Well, I'm mad at myself just as much as I'm mad about the situation....here's what happened (the WHOLE scoop):
I've had a bad cold and it's been keeping me up at night...so, I'm stuffy sounding....we had a very unusual (for here) electrical storm last night that kept all of San Diego awake last night as well as causing numerous accidents this morning. Now, the rain has made my allergies act up on top of the cold I have. I got up, got the kids ready for school (hubby woke up sick w/stomach flu) and left w/o eating breakfast because I hadn't planned on dealing with kids and ran out of time.
I get there 30 minutes early....the doctors arrive over an hour late. The room is freezing, so I put (at nurse's suggestion) my sweatshirt over my exam paper robe, fall asleep (great for already goopy eyes, right?) and am getting hungry. At 9:30 the doctor finally walks in (I got there at 7:28.) He makes some comment about my being cold. I just mumble a "yes" trying to wake up and look alert and remember all that I wanted to make sure I got across.
He asks me some questions and somehow or another the topic focus' on the illnesses, not the arthritis....and not the fact that it is the arthritis causing these illnessess.... He basically tells me after being there 2 minutes that I really don't have a case. He gives me such a quick physical exam I think he did it just as a formality. He talks again that my blood tests in April show my sed rate is normal and that my liver functions were just above normal, not causing any real warning flags. I ask if he had the other test copies between Dec-July that showed otherwise. He flipped through some pages and never answered me.
He goes back to the illness thing (and I just don't think of going back to the autoimmune and arhtritis aspect of it....I was just so upset at the way he seemed to have made a decision about me before really doing anything that I wasn't thinking) and says, "well, these test results are not strong enough for them to make a decision...that's why they sent you to me, but I don't make the decision. The government wants to see solid evidence that there is a problem and your test results don't have anything tangible....ANYONE can come in here and say they are sick.....(good place for me to remind him it's not just that....it is all the problems combined caused by the arthritis topped with disabling pain, but I don't think of it).... we could see thousands of people every year saying they're sick.....(this makes me think that the fatigue from the cold, the stuffy nose, and probably pale face made it look like I was a big fat faker.....like I'm some idiot trying to come in with the sniffles and claim disability)......but, we'll try and see what we can do....." Huh???? I didn't quite get what exactly he meant by that. I asked if SSI would have more than what he had - like ALL of the test results, reports on how many times I've been in ER this year alone w/serious infections, x-ray results showing the arthritis, etc...his response, "I hope so."
After ALL that, he spent maybe 5 minutes with me total. I left there so upset and of course as I was walking out realized all that I didn't say and probably should have. I was driving home by 9:43.
I think I made a lot of mistakes in dealing w/him.....it was bad timing for me with this cold and the allergies from the storm......I just hate feeling like I have to defend myself when the facts are there, I feel bad enough having to even BE there....like you, Erin, I cannot believe I am in this predicament. I am college educated, been a career woman, was brought up to always be self-sufficient even if married....and it kills me not to have that option and just not be able to handle much of anyhthing let alone a job. Even though the last 10 years have been rough on me physically, I gotten through them and just wasn't expecting THIS to happen - all these illnesses and everything else that has been slowly getting worse over the last 2 years. I thank G-d that I'm not worse than I am, I hear so many sad stories here on HW and know I could be so much worse, but at the same token, these illnesses have gotten so severe that even the doctor has been worried for me....when your PCP calls you 2-3 times a week for a month at home to check in on you - you know she's concerned!
I better end here...too long a post....getting too upset and then mad at myself
for feeling upset and sorry for myself. I'll get over it.