Black Jack, I hope what happened with your son and friend can be worked out and not be life altering.
You are too hard on yourself. We're all here for the same reason. You are going through a lot physically which is affecting you emotionally and mentally. It is hard to take a step back, but you need to reasses your situation with your wife and figure out a game plan until you are better. Not all of this pain and fatigue will continue on a daily basis. I truly feel that once this infection is gone and the antibiotics are out of your system (which can take weeks, if not months after you complete them) you will feel better. Yeah, you may not be doing cartwheels due to the RA, but G-d willing, there will be improvement. I know it doesn't seem like it, we've all been there. But, it is going to take time and you can't be running 24/7 if you want to get there.
Post Edited (missie1227) : 2/10/2006 9:24:15 AM (GMT-7)
i have felt very powerless by the system, medical/insurance/ss admin, since my crash in 2002. after being a productive citizen for many years, i was not anymore and suffered a loss of my health and income also, as this goes hand in hand i think. and everything which goes along with that. loss of relationships, self esteem, depression, frustration etc.
but i would like in some way to use the information that i have come to learn and know in a positive way to help others to stay safe from bad doctors who hurt, maime and abuse. this is very hard to do since the power brokers are the insurance companies and government rules the usa. those who we trust to look out for or be watchdog for citizens are powerless also to some extent b/c of they are held captive by the red tape and paper work which can last for years to complete and be investigated. I was actually persuaded not to 'bother' with filing complaints b/c 'no good' would come of it, short of getting Geraldo rivera involved.
we can strive for change like during the 1850's-1920's womens suffrage until we got the chance to vote and became equal citizens in 1922.
but that was a long hard battle and needed alot of support to win. what i am getting at here is that there is a way to change the system but it is a very time consuming and lengthy process. i am talking about medical doctors and the schools that train them and government /FDA who approves medications.
i believe people who have been harmed have the right to speak up in a non-slanderous, non-defaming way to let people know who and where the bad doctors are so that you can have a choice not to be abused. some civic minded people try to go undercover to find out the schemes and frauds by 'creative bad' doctors to bring them to justice, however, these same docs crop up in other states to practice in other areas of expertise.
medicine and medical doctors is the only profession that you can legally injure or kill someone by error and get off scott free w/o any reprocussions, if clever enough to hide the boo-boos which most or many are savy enough to do.
when you have the power of knowledge behind you and you are an authority on such esoteric issues, it is easy to be beyond reproach. when the doctors all join together to protect one another in their code of silence to cover up mistakes or skew truths, how does one propose to fight this?
when the government takes away the peoples right to sue for compensation for gross negilgence, errors, miscalculations, improper diagnoses and malpractice, we are at a loss to recover any justice. the bush government ( esp in fl) is not favorable towards individuals who have been harmed ( jeb bush, governor) since the enactment of med mal practice caps in monetary values for anyone no matter if you are 20 or 60 yrs old, your rights have been seriously compromised if you have been injured. it is not the attys fault, it is not the insurance companies fault, it is the fault of the serivce providers who give bad care through acts of ommission, commision, negligence, ineptness, lack of skill, training, or ability.
how do you explain to a 20 yr old young man with his whole life ahead of him that his doctor misdiagnosed his illness, treated him improperly with incorrect medications, over looked allergies to cause him to lose his life earlier than planned or cant use a part of his body anymore. tell that 20 yr old you can only sue for 500K cap no matter what or how much insurance the docs has or not, but this will have to support you for the rest of your life after attys fees have been taken out?
500K less 30% atty fees/expenses doesnt come out to very much money over 15 years we are talking about 20,000 a year and if a person is expected to live to age 60-70 it isnt gonna cover future med expenses and support. the doctors all know how to play the system and/or like ken lay, put everything in his wife's name to avoid be tapped personally, or the state of fl has annunities that can not be attached, along with the homestead law which does not allow for his multimilion dollar estate to be attached.
there is no accountability anymore to hurt betrayed people whose lives have been ruinined. we are seeing this kind of behavior in all areas of business now also, enron squandered pensions and grossly took advantage of the empolyees who are SOL.
but because the government doesnt hold anyone really accountable anymore for misdeeds, people do not have to be accountable then. i know the system is not perfect but why cant we train doctors to become ethical and moral instead of just taking a oath to uphold life and first do no harm make it o**** for something rather than viewing a patient as just another insuracne card?
i know my rant may bore some of the folks on this forum as i sound like a broken record and go on and on about it, it is only that i feel so strongly that something should be done to help this catch 22.
i feel if we can hold the doctors to higher standards and levels of care, we can weed out the bad ones and make sure that the newer people who are being trained do so in a proper way with correct ethics and values. this of course comes from the family instilling a moral background during childhood rearing.
CaMama, Erin, I,too, have been in bad shape this past week. I started to get worse about three weeks ago, with many days of rain....I am so miserable that I haven't been able to write--I don't want to bring you down, friends. But, Paula told me this morning that you, CaMama and Erin, are not doing well. So, I am writing to say I am thinking about you, that I understand you, that depression alone never made me feel the isolation and uselessness and sense of death that I feel now. --But we are in this together, aren't we? Thank God we are together here. Even when I am not writing, I am thinking of my several friends, healers, confidants, and soulful friends. Like a good New York City bakery--You know what I mean, Erin!--this is the only place in town to go. CaMama, the psoriatic arthritis has me on my knees. And the ankylosis spondilytis is a hell of a kick in the spine, just in case I'm not feeling dead enough. CaMama, I know how you feel about being worthless, but you know that you are not. You have a good voice inside of you, and it keeps you going; it keeps you dealing out darned good advice and educated, trustworthy knowledge about drugs. --Erin, what can I say to you? I see CaMama walking--rather, shuffling, as I am now--in physical pain, weakness, and with a sickness in the spirit that is like a rodent chewing on your spinal column. She wants to yank out that pain, I'm sure, as I do, but where is it? It's in "the cards we're dealt"; in the unfairness of so much suffering in one life; in, thinking, finally, that there is no fairness, just randomness, just a deal of the cards--and, ah! how often we come to the table with earnestness, honesty, our souls open, while the dealers are withholding their cards. Erin, I want to say to you, "Get up." Rise from your bed. You are loved by me, by CaMama, Ducky, and many others." I wish, Erin, that as Lazarus was pulled from the lure of sickness by Christ, that my words tonight could do that for you. I am too human. I cannot perform such miracles. Yet, if you know that you all have let me into your ring of love, then you know that my love goes out to you. I am the Jack of Hearts, remember? I am the one we all wish for, the one who speaks from the heart, who is not afraid to do so, who says what many revile and shrink from, because they are afraid of mortality and the need to express our love and concern for each other whenever and as often as we can. Erin, CaMama, you and Ducky have given me the courage to get the papers from my doctor so that tomorrow will be my last work day for many weeks. I cannot go on. I, too, have no energy--indeed, no desire to have it, too often. The cards we're dealt? In the six weeks that the unopened Enbrel has been hibernating in my refrigerator, I have sustained the same damage to my left elbow and hand and fingers as I have had in my right arm. I can't drive anymore, really. And I have to. Yet, my elbows throb with pain after driving only a few miles. Imagine? I am losing my strenght, my vitality, my mind. And if I am driving for about a half hour, I cannot keep my eyes open. My eyes want to close and my body wants to go to sleep--and I nearly want it, too. CaMama, if I could fall asleep driving 65 mph.,without fighting it, well, I think that would be grand. Everyone would be relieved of my rages, my sadness, my crying, my drifting away, my yelling....We all have to accept that we have died, but we all know that we are being transmogrified. Our pain is making us purer, no? I go into rages because the few good friendships I worked at over the past ten years have all dissipated, due to tragedy, jealousy, alcoholism, and so on. I am alone now. Not one close friend. CaMama, you have been married fifteen years; I think it is safe to say that your husband loves you deeply and he has a heart for your suffering. Perhaps his heart does not speak of it,not everyone can allow that. Paula and I married in 1977 and most of our married life has been a game of leapfrog: a year of happiness, two, three, four years of my deep depression, my self-isolation. Now I am six feet under again and I cry like a sissy, so self-sorry. And my body gives me such pain now. I am beginning to approach where you all are. You know that I am only here tonight because you, Erin and CaMama, are hurt and sad. I am, too. My hips went out last week and that pain is tremendous. I hurt everywhere, and acutely. Now I know what a flare-up is. Oh, the knees, the elbows, the fingers, the ankles giving way on the stairs....ad infinitum. And my doctor is still making me stretch two week percs a day. Is that right? What's right? Okay, I have jammed in my complaints here, though I am here to say that what hell it is to be sick like this. We know isolation, don't we? Erin, I am scared as hell about taking time off. Whither goest my courage, my grit? As you are, I am afraid of failure. You know, I have not been able to write three paragraphs for the magazine where my poem is going to be published. I risk being dropped. Yet, I cannot think clearly. Isn't that something? Oh, my friends. Look at all that I write here. I am trying to touch and be touched, to heal and to be healed in the spirit as much as we can do that for each other. Leonard Cohen's words, the man suffers still. Yet, his words are not depressing, as some think, who do not listen closely. In this song, whose title is the first phrase of the song, he lifts his painful body and mind and prays to God, who is the holiness and charity and love that is in the human heart, if if be expressed, if the spirit abides: But, I am wrong to try to define God. It is not my place. I will, however, write some of the song here, in the prayerful spirit and wish of it, for you, my dear friends. And I repeat them in thanks and the realization at this moment, that the friends, the loving and loved friends, I have always wished for are here, are you. "If it be your will, if a voice be true. From this broken hill, I will sing to you. From this broken hill, all your praises they shall ring, if it be your will to let me sing. If it be your will, if there is a choice, let the rivers fill; let the hills rejoice; let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell, if it be your will to make us well. And draw us near, oh, bind us tight. All your children here, in their rags of light. In our rags of light, all dressed to kill, and then this night, if it be your will, if it be your will." Love, camraderie, prayers for your health and the peace of mind that too many storms tear out of your and my hands, for thanks that I have you, Black Jack the Jack of Hearts (I am always thinking of you friends, though I do not have the energy or presence of mind to write. And, Ducky, tell me how you are, please. Let me hear from you. I am thinking of you, as I have said above. Missie, find peace.)