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idontknow
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/28/2007 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I was trying to read the forums and get some insite on what others are going thru and I normally have a good amount of patience...but not atm....I can't spell well either so bare with me. My wife just took my daughter the emergency room because she said she was feel suicidal...she almost 14 and was recently diagnoised BP. My wife is also BP and has been for a couple of years. I am at loss. I can't fix this!! I hate seeing both of them this way. I also feel like the outsider because I'm not BP and I just don't get what they are going thru. My wife is doing ok, she has her days, but my daughter is really taking this hard. She has friends at school that once they found out about her BP are starting to treat her differently. We are christians and have very strict beliefs and thats making it tougher on our daughter, due to the fact that she wants to be allowed to go and do w/e she wants to do and wants us to let her make her own mistakes and learn from them instead of us trying guide her away from them. My daughter won't talk to me, she talks better with her mother and I understand that mothers and daughters get along a whole lot better than dad and daughters ( lest that my experience so far). I'm just at a loss for words here. I see things as black and white. My wife tells me that either to extreme on one end or the other and can't find a middle ground with my daughter when it comes to letting her do things. I told my wife that if I let my daughter ust run out and do w/e I wouldn't be a good dad. IDK, i'm rambling now and not making any sense. Just wanted to unload I guess. I useually hold up pretty well but everytime my daughter has a problem I get worried about coming home and seeing her dead cause she can't figure out how do coupe with this and I can't help her and she won't let me try. What am i doing wrong?

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/28/2007 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Idontknow,

Welcome to the site. It's good to hear fresh voices. I hope we can give you the support you're looking for. Feel free to unload here, it's a safe space to do it and get some feedback.

You're really having a tough time with two relatively new BP's in your household, so give yourself a break for feeling a little lost. Anyone would. I hope you're daughter's okay.

I think as far as disciplining teens (and while my daughter is only a toddler, I was a high school teacher, so take it as you like) your wife is right that you want to let kids have some chance to learn and grow on their own but the truly important thing is for you and your wife to be united. Be on the same page. Don't let your daughter play you off each other. Maybe you already do this, but make her wait for answers to her requests while you and mom discuss and reach agreement on whether or not she can go somewhere. Because if she sees that Dad is saying one thing and Mom another, she'll always go to mom. But if Mom and Dad are talking and agree with one another, she'll see that you're decisions have been discussed, reasoned out and she'll see you two as a parental unit.

Hope this is helpful,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


idontknow
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/29/2007 2:33 AM (GMT -7)   
TY for the reply! WE do collaborate on the things she can and can not do...most of the time. There are and continue to be instances were I will correct her actions by some sort of punishment then have to find out that my wife has let my daughter do things even tho she was not allowed to. Sometimes you have to make a judgement call on the spot and hold your breath as to whether it was a good one or bad one. But, my wifes mother has also noticed that as of late my wife has been spacing out from time to time and that allows our daughter ( and son) to sneek off and do things they are not suppose to do. My wife sleeps alot of the time that i'm asleep, due to I work thirds, and that leaves the kids open to run and do. I do understand that kids need to find out some things on there own but at the same time if I know thats its a bad idea or situation then I feel like I would not be doing my job as a loving parent and keep them away from that. Trying not smother them is something that I'm just not good at....I'm a dad...I smother. But, she has already suggested she is ready to take the next "STEP" in her relationships....you know....and at 13.5.....She's already had two of her friends end up in positions they didn't want to end up in. I'm just very worried that with her being BP and the pressure of teenage life the both compounding on her will make those judgement calls so much harder to make. As for my daughter, she is still at the hospital, been there for about 8hrs......i'm very worried even tho my wife called and said my daughter was feeling alot better. When they took her she said she was feel suicidial.......very worried.....

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/29/2007 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
IDK, I only have a short minute to write at the moment, but I wanted to share that I am a mother to a BP who is 14 now, and my H also has BP. But this post will quickly just focus on being a parent to a BP. It seems to me that there are several issues you are bringing up...the issue of dad and daughter relationships, parenting a BP, supporting a BP child through adolescence...etc. As to the feeling of suicide that happened, obviously you know that you did the right things to care for her by taking her to the ER. Do you have a strong relationship with her pdoc? It is CRITICAL that you and your wife do. Is it the same pdoc treating your wife? In my house it is and it is a beneficial thing. The best thing you can do is stay loving, calm and confident for her. Reassure her that you are there for her, you will protect her, you love her, you are there to help her no matter what she needs...now or in the future. Remind her that you have confidence in her. That has to include having confidence in SOME (not all) of her abilities to make good choices for herself. I agree that kids need boundaries, but in those boundaries they need room to succeed and fail within safe limits of their own devices. It is hard, believe me, we are going through it to. Our S has been regulated with his meds now for almost 4 years, and as soon as hormones hit, we feel like we are following behind him watching for the next need for a med adjustment. But the thing is, we have been very direct with him about how HE is part of his wellness team, and without his participation, while we are the parents and can control certain things still, we need and want him to learn how to as well. We have told him he is ultimately responsible for his conduct regardless if the meds are working or not. The meds are there to help him, but in the end, HE is held accountable. So, we have worked with him to learn how to make healthy choices for himself. It is a battle at times, but thus far, we are pleased with his navigation through teenagehood - and believe me, we know we have a long way to go...LOL. As to the friends thing...my advise is that she NOT tell anyone. Word gets around very quickly and kids are cruel and ignorant about these things. They don't mean to be, they just are. They can not be trusted with the information at this age or stage in their lives. Tell your daughter to NOT discuss anything about it with them. Just continue to be herself, as she always has been. If she needs support at school, start a good relationship with the counselor. They are a great resource on campus for kids to turn to. Explain that you will work as a team, for her benefit, with the school resources, her pdoc, her therapist & her medical doc. All of you are her wellness team and how lucky she is to be so loved. Remind her that she too is a leading player in her wellness team. And if she needs to talk, she can turn to ANYONE on her team whenever she feels she needs. You will all be there for her. It is okay to let mom take the lead, but always remember that little girls need their daddy's too! You have an important and valuable place in her development. The fact that she is BP is no different than you finding out she is a diabetic. It just is other chemicals involved vs. the insulin. Good luck to you all. LFW

idontknow
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/31/2007 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
TY LFW for the reply. I ty for your advice and agree with you but I guess deep down inside I can't help in a small way to feel like my D might be useing her BP in small way to get were she wants to be with my wife. I know that sounds horriable but I can't help but  get that gut feeling that that is what might be going on in a small way. The dr she saw at the ER put as an action plan that she is to be checked up on every 15 min to make sure that she is ok. Thats cool and needed!! But, her cousin came in from out of town for the new years holiday, she wanted to spend the night with her at another cousins house even tho she knows she is grounded for breaking a very big rule that me and her mother set down a LONG time ago. I left it up to her mother ( as she was with her when they called me) as to whether she could stay or not. My wife didn't like that to well as she said "oh great, I get to be the bad one". They both came home with my daughter in a very bad mood, she didn't get to go. Later on that night after we watched some dvds as a family and it was bed time I told her to go to bed. She started inabout how she needed to sleep with her mother as she was suppose to be checked in on every 15 min. Her mother then agreed. But, no one was worried so much about the checking in on when she was talking about spending the night with the out of town relative. I hope im not reading or seeing more into it but I have watched my daughter do and say things to get her way and it has made me very leery of trusting her, which as I write this is probably what the problem is, trustimg her. I hope that she doesn't use her BP as a means to get what she wants, I do try to give her the benifit of the doubt most of the time but if i get that feeling, that all parents do when something just doesn't seem right I act on it. Also, our religous believes are what she really has a problem with as they are strict.I really believe that if we were just to dop our religious  believes today that she would start to make a huge turn around in her attitude towards everything. What do you do when the believes you have are what you truely believe are the best for children and evryone on the outside thinks they are not?  Are we putting her best intrest in mind.....of course I  think we are. I read this and heck i sound paranoid lol....idk.....children should come a manual lol.......about how to be good parents! I don't doubt she is ahving some problems, and we are doing the right thing in getting her all the help we can. I just hope she is learning from this instead of letting BP completely stop her in her tracts.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 12/31/2007 4:53 PM (GMT -7)   
It won't stop her in her tracts. She will continue to grow and develop. But even though she is BP, she also has to know that it is never an excuse to behavior or choices. Ultimately the responsibility rests with her. And she will be held accountable. Medication helps make the choices and actions easier to control and stay balanced better, BUT it does NOT do the work for them. As to the religious beliefs, the thing is, you can plant the seeds, you can nurture them to grow, but we as parents have to accept that what they believe in the end will be for THEM to decide. And it will be ultimately THEIR responsibility to create their personal spiritual relationship with God. Whether they follow what they were brought up in or not. At some point, perhaps you can expect her to show respect to the beliefs, but give her some room to express differently occasionally, within bounds of course. What I mean is, okay, perhaps she must go to church or temple on Saturdays or Sundays, but perhaps she could take a break from bible study every Wednesday night. Or maybe she must say grace before meals with her family, but she doesn't necessarily have to do that out with her friends if she doesn't want to? I don't know...but you get my point. Help her find healthy compromises that could also work for you. That way she will feel her feelings mattered to you and that is really what it is about anyway. Good luck! LFW
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