Many pdoc's that I know have always said that they will not hide that they have spoken with the spouse. However, they also do not blurt out the info. They assess the information given them with what they are, or are not, personally seeing, and they bring up the need for the spouses feedback as part of a balanced picture of the patient. They also suggest that an appointment be made where then, I, the spouse, am included and required to come. Then, they have me say what I did in front of both the pdoc and my H at that time. This way my H doesn't feel I was doing something behind his back, and the pdoc feels that the spouse can see why it is important to have us involved. Did that make sense?
But then again, when we had a session at one time with my son's therapist focused on our S, his therapist once said something to my H that was accurate for only what he was seeing, but didn't realize until I told him that it created problems at home as a result of his comments, since he was seeing only "good-behavior" in his office from my H. He immediately worked to correct that at our next parent session for our son and was able to see how the dynamics worked. He even told me he was sorry for not realizing that what he said could have been used the way my H then did. He would be more sensitive to being more thorough about what he was saying in the future. We have found global types of statements can sometimes backfire. For example...if you tell someone that you don't see any signs of BP, therefore it is definitely under control...that is different than saying, "given how you are doing when you are in my office working on your son's issues, it would seem that while the BP still exists, you seemingly are doing well when I have had the few opportunities to see you." Do you hear the difference? It leaves room that there are still issues that may arise from the BP, however, they themselves are also witnessing stability too. That shift in communication can make a huge difference in my house. The first one is what my S therapist did, and my H walked around angry at me for weeks spouting that he has NO signs of BP - I'm just looking to find ways to make him bad and wrong and create problems since his meds are doing their job. Which of course was completely inaccurate. YES, he is quite stable, but that does not mean that signs of BP don't exist....the over reacting, the moodiness, the low frustration tolerance, the entitlement to "have his say"....etc. It is just they are not as severe or as often as it would be untreated, they are more tolerable, but they ALL still do exist.
My advise, call her pdoc and explain the situation....that you want to talk to him and share with him what you, her spouse, are seeing and living with. But, she is quite adamant that you not be a part of this, and when he shared your call last time, it made things much worse between you and your spouse. But you feel your perspective is important that he have for HER benefit. What does HE suggest you do? Then wait for him to tell you how he is willing to work with you for positive results. He will either say...I will tell her I need an appointment with you both, or go ahead and share your input with me and I will keep you call private for the moment, whatever. But either way, you need to get his feedback as to the best way to go about this and find out what HE thinks. Good luck....LFW