Dealing with other people

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sophieWVU
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 1/2/2008 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
I asked in group therapy today how to better deal with others.  My therapist says, "doesn't matter, all you can worry about is how your feeling."  My mom drives me nuts, treats me like I'm 5, thinks everything I do will be a failure without her direct supervision.  And she just plain gets on my nerves.  I beat myself up b/c sometimes I get mad when I shouldn't.  Sometimes I try to block out how I feel, but taht doesn't work.  And telling myself, "you should't feel that way" doesn't stop me from feeling it.  What to do? 
 

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/2/2008 10:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Take a deep breath, and in a CALM moment with your mom, try to have a CALM honest conversation without blame. Share, that you love her so much, you know all she does is about her love for you, but there are moments that you need your space and some time to collect yourself in order to stay in a good place. You know you fly off the handle at times inappropriately, and other times - while perhaps justified in your feelings, you can go a bit overboard, therefore, you wanted her help to come up with strategies of how to communicate what you need with her and other, without offending or upsetting them. Because in truth, that is NOT what you want to do to her or anyone else. What does she think will work for her that you can do. Is there a signal you can have between you? Are there phrases that you could say that would not make her feel like you are blaming her for anything - as that isn't what you want to do, yet still help you communicated it is getting either overwhelming for you or you simple need some space and you need her to step back for a bit.

Tackle one issue at a time with this system. Do NOT try to handle everything at once. Once you have this successful conversation over ONE issue, and are able to implement some of the things you came up with successfully for you both. THEN move on to the next issue. Do this step by step. If you deal with these things in moments where you both are in calm places, you have a better chance of hearing REALLY what you both mean. Part of a mom driving you nuts is simply because she implanted the "drive you nuts buttons" and the fact is, if a mom is really doing her job, she will on occasion drive you nuts. So understand that MUCH of what she does, and where she is coming from, is REALLY a place of love for YOU. NOT a place of criticism, even if that is how it may feel in the moment. Try to look beyond that to see the bigger meaning. Here's a small story of what I mean...I had a dance teacher once tell this story and I have never forgotten it. His mother use to tell him to put on a sweater before leaving the house regardless of the weather - she would be utterly insistent about it. It could be 95% out and she would yell and carry on for him to "put on a sweater". He felt controlled by this, like he couldn't judge for himself what he needed, like she didn't trust him to know if he was cold or not. He resented her for it like she was trying to smother him. Then one day, when he was about 22, he heard her say "put on your sweater" and instead of all those other feelings coming up, he heard in his head a transposed version - he suddenly heard as he was leaving the house during mid-summer one day (even without the other words) "put on your sweater, I don't want you to catch cold, I love you". And instead of saying, "leave me alone, I'm not cold...blah blah blah"....he simply said, "I love you too mom!" He said this routine went on for a bit from then on, and then one day finally instead of saying "put on your sweater" before he left her house, she started simply saying, "be safe, I love you!" He said that this is when he realized he was the one who attached all that other negative meaning into what she was saying. All she really meant by it was she loved him and just wanted him safe, and for some reason that, for her, came out "put on your sweater" all the time.

So, I hope that this gives you some food for thought and if you can take a step back, be sensitive to how you speak to her, ask for her help to help you learn better ways of communicating with her for things you need from her...like space, to let you succeed or fail on your own once in a while (again...that is TWO issues and tackle them one at a time), maybe it will help. Good thoughts to you...LFW

sophieWVU
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 1/2/2008 10:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you so much for the advice.  That's a great example.  It just seems we get nowhere but I can't change her.  I guess I need a different approach and see what happens.  I know at the moment I'm just sooo irritable, which at the moment I think is the stress of moving back down to school and the fact that I'm waiting for my doc to adjust my meds.  I'm tryin look at why certian things get to me...we got a paper today in group that talks about how anger and irritation is just how we react to insecurity.  Probably some truth there

 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/3/2008 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
You can't change her, anymore than she can stripe the BP away for you. And believe me, as a mother of three, and one of which is BP....I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING to be able to do that for my beloved child. I am sure your mom is no different. Part of the issues that I see, is the need for self awareness on the part of the BP. You need to begin to look at what are "normal" levels of reactions for things. Then, watch yourself, see if your reactions start, justified or not, going beyond those levels. If so, manually make the adjustment - even if inside you are actually feeling rage. What I mean is this....is something ticks you off all of a sudden because you are irritable and your instinct is to snap....run a series of questions in your head quickly...1. does the situation warrant the level of irritation I feel inside? 2. how far in expressing my irritation would be appropriate? 3. do I need to step away, take a deep breath and count to 10 before saying anything to get control of myself? Then, immediately acknowledge in responsible words as part of whatever you need to communicate, say..."you recognize that inside you are feeling things very deeply, that the situation does not warrant this level of feeling inside, but for you it is there....therefore, please understand you are going to try and control your reaction as much as possible - and then share what is bothering you as calmly as you can." You need to work on learning how to mimic "normal" level behavior, both for yourself and others. And believe me when I say that the key to all this is not with your mother. As you are learning, you can not change her - you do not have that control. Therefore, the only thing you can control or change is you. But believe me, through that, it CAN open the space for her to then change too. You know the Serenity Prayer...think of it more this way...

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE - which is everything outside myself
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN - which is anything I choose for or within myself
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

I find it good to think of it that way, because sometimes we all need reminders that we have NO control over anyone, or anything, but ourselves. Others must be responsible for themselves. Good luck. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 1/3/2008 12:23:05 PM (GMT-7)


bunnypucker
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 494
   Posted 1/3/2008 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
lfw-
i appreciate much of what you said and i think it applies to my situation too. my mother cares for me so deeply and i know that my being sick hurts her but for some reason she downplays it. im a depression right now and if i say so she says "everybody has bad days" or "its the weather" or "just do out and DO something or something like that. and if it is my crohns bothering me she says "well youre gonna have good days and bad days" or "just deal with it".
thinking about what you said about not being able to change people, i think i need to accept that. ill work on that in therapy. anyhow you gave me some food for thought.
Crohn's Disease Diagnosed 12/24/03
Bipolar






Im 26 years old, and am currently only taking remicade and protonix for my CD. am on quite the cocktail for my BP however: Geodon, Lamictal, Celexa, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.

Im also on lipitor for high cholesterol caused by a prior BP med. im on fentanyl patches for pain also, and i take some meds prn for my allergies, asthma, and migrianes.



"We are all worms but I do believe i am a Gloworm"

^always makes me smile^

<FONT color=#00ffff>




<FONT color=orange>


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/3/2008 7:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I am always grateful to know that anything I may share helps anyone. Thanks Bunnypucker. Let us know how it goes. I know it is a different way to hold things, but I hope it helps. Good luck to you. I am sorry to hear your depression is kicking up its head, hope that improves for you soon. LFW
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