i really need help

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bunnypucker
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 494
   Posted 1/3/2008 5:39 PM (GMT -7)   
i feel so guilty about posting. i lurk all the time and read every post but i dont contribute much, i feel like i dont have anything worthwhile or helpful to say. and then i come and always ask for help when i dont give any to anyone else. that being said i need help really bad and besides my therapist you guys are the only ones who understand. my family doesnt and im sick of being told that if im depressed its "because of the weather" or "everybody has bad days".
i have been pretty well managed for awhile, i had occasional depression and anxiety but it was nothing i couldnt handle. but now, since thanksgiving i am in a huge depression. my pdoc added wellbutrin to help and its starting to but im still so low. i cant DO anything i sit on the couch all day. i have nowhere to go besides the grocery store and you can only do that so much before it gets old. i dont have any friends who live by me and the ones that i do have recently decided that i blow them off and dont understand my illnesses and decided they dont want to hang out with me. 10 years down the drain.
i dont care about anything and everything is an amazing effort. it sounds gross but i hardly can even bring myself to shower, and often dont. its like its just too much. i do substitute teach 2ce a week or so but it is SO hard. so hard. i have been off for winter break and now im scared to go back and feel like i cant do it. i have no confidence in myself and just a little while back i was very confident and enjoyed working.
the holidays were awful for me. i was so depressed that i basically missed my favorite time of year. im so upset that it went by and i couldnt enjoy it.
im also really down because i have been thinking about how i cant do my art anymore. i am an artist by trade (hopefully an art teacher someday) but ever since i started being treated for bipolar i cant do my work anymore. i am totally uninspired and have no motivation. the mania used to be so wonderful i was so creative, i could work for hours and i always had something to do and i was always filled with thoughts about what to do. now this isnt something that has happened recently its prolly been like this for about a year or two but for some reason its coming to a head now. i cant help thinking about it and how incomplete i feel without it. and now my crohns is starting to flare again and i feel like i just cant handle it. its not fair both my brain and my body are working against me.


(big breath)

im sorry to dump this on you guys but i truly dont know where to turn and i dont see my therapist until monday. and there are so many things that 45 minutes are not going to be enough.
thank you for reading,

bunny
Crohn's Disease Diagnosed 12/24/03
Bipolar






Im 26 years old, and am currently only taking remicade and protonix for my CD. am on quite the cocktail for my BP however: Geodon, Lamictal, Celexa, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.

Im also on lipitor for high cholesterol caused by a prior BP med. im on fentanyl patches for pain also, and i take some meds prn for my allergies, asthma, and migrianes.



"We are all worms but I do believe i am a Gloworm"

^always makes me smile^

<FONT color=#00ffff>




<FONT color=orange>


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/3/2008 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Bunnypucker, write down ALL your concerns to you pdoc. In fact...I want you to print out what you just wrote in this post. START the meeting with the pdoc by handing him this and asking him to read it right then. That should cut through at least 30-40 minutes of verbal explanation time. Once he reads that, he will KNOW what is going on, how you feel, how the meds are doing thus far, and where to adjust things. Then the rest of the appointment can be more focused on strategies to help you with the comments people are making that you don't know what to do with - which you shared - "because of the weather" or "everybody has bad days" - type of thing. I know it is hard, but think of it perhaps another way...if you had your choice of what you wanted them to say verses these things, what would it be? Then, in a calm moment, share THAT with them by saying something like, "I know you are only trying to cheer me up when you say, "everyone has bad days", and I WISH that did help me more, because you love and care about me...and I love you back. But unfortunately it doesn't make me feel better, and as much as I would like it to work that way, it sadly isn't. But you know what I think might really help me is if you could say..."????" sometimes."

The fact is, if you trust in peoples good will towards you, and can even for a moment put yourself in their shoes watching all you go through. Perhaps you can try to understand that they are at a loss for words of what to say, or how to help you. It is like, what do you say to a person at a funeral who has just lost a loved one? Most feel uncomfortable to be faced with seeing someone they care about in so much pain, so they say little quipy type statements and try to move away because it is hard to watch the sadness and pain. Well, in a way, this is no different. Your loved ones don't know how to make this better for you - they can't make it go away - as much as they so deeply wish they could. They just know you are sad and in a lot of continual pain given one issue or another, much of the time. So, if you view it like that, and can help them begin to learn more about your conditions, and guide them on things that do help you more than other things, this could improve. Because the fact is they must care a lot, or they wouldn't bother to continue saying anything. So you are very fortunate to have the people who care in your life.

As to how to help yourself, make a list of things that are good for you either physically, mentally or whatever, that do help you, even if you are NOT in the mood to do them. Then make a list of things that you are doing that don't support your wellness, even if you DO feel like doing them. Then, one by one, exchange a good/positive behavior with a negative/unsupportive one. An example, even though you don't "feel" like taking a shower, if you did, would it make you feel even a little more refreshed? If you are bored with going to the grocery store for yourself, perhaps there is an elderly neighbor on your street, or through your church, who could use the help in either getting to the store, or have them give you their grocery list with some cash, and it would benefit them for you to do their shopping for them as it is hard to walk around a store for an elderly person. This would get you out of the house, get you moving, help you focus on something/someone outside of your own issues for a few hours in a day, and make you feel good about yourself and the actions you have taken to help another. Self esteem will begin to improve too as a result because you will feel good about what you have done for another regardless of how you were feeling. Forgive me, I do not mean this as insensitivity at all, but sometimes (and this is regardless of being BP or not) when a person gets consumed by their own issues for too long, it becomes a vicious cycle that becomes self consuming. I think that sometimes they need to break that cycle by focusing on reaching out to another, even for an hour a day. It does help keep some perspective on life itself.

Good luck to you. LFW

bunnypucker
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 494
   Posted 1/3/2008 9:00 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you LFW
i was actually hoping that you would reply, i like your honesty and you seem to help a lot of people. i think i will print this out, i never thought of that. it would certainly make things faster and then i wouldnt forget to say things.
i see what you mean about people not knowing what to say when im feeling so bad. it didnt occur to me that they really dont know what to say. i guess i have never been clear either, ive never asked for help or for anything related to my BP, i just sit back and experience it alone. the only person i really talk to is my therapist. maybe if i talk to my mom more about it she would know what i need? i guess i cant expect people to read my mind. i think i need to be more clear with people like you said. and i think i need to ask for more support because i feel so alone. i dont know why i can be so open with my therapist but i cant talk to my family. i do know that my sister doesnt understand at all but prolly my mom and dad would if i told them. its just hard.
im working on that shower thing, i do honestly feel better when i take one. i have motivation problems i think. ive actually been thinking of volunteering at the spca. i really like animals and it would get me out of the house. me and my therapist are trying to figure outsome sort of volunteer work to do, she thinks it will help me feel better.

anyhow thank you for replying, i really appreciate it. expecially since nobody really knows me yet.

thanks again


bunny
Crohn's Disease Diagnosed 12/24/03
Bipolar






Im 26 years old, and am currently only taking remicade and protonix for my CD. am on quite the cocktail for my BP however: Geodon, Lamictal, Celexa, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.

Im also on lipitor for high cholesterol caused by a prior BP med. im on fentanyl patches for pain also, and i take some meds prn for my allergies, asthma, and migrianes.



"We are all worms but I do believe i am a Gloworm"

^always makes me smile^

<FONT color=#00ffff>




<FONT color=orange>


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 1/4/2008 6:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bunny,
 
Hey, I know you!!!! I've seen you around. :-)   Don't ever feel that you don't contribute to anything. We ALL learn from eachother. Just as you stated that you hardly ever post but read a lot, so are there many others that read and learn as they go around. That is what we are all about here. So don't ever feel that you don't contribute.
 
I understand what you are going through. I remember my depressive episodes where I just didn't have any energy/motivation to do anything!!!! Ugh!!!!
 
One thing I did try to do that did help was to make a daily list. I started with only 1 thing on the list that I would write the night before I went to bed. I would put on it ONE thing that I wanted to accomplish that day....and that was it. I kept doing that until I could add 2 things to the list, then 3 and etc.
 
LFW gave you excellent advise. I would definately print your post and hand it into your psychiatrist and your therapist. This will cut through a lot of red tape. But I think it will be very productive.
 
Keep us posted and let us know what happens Monday when you meet with your doctor.
 
 
~sukay~
Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 


Honey Bee
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 1/4/2008 10:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bunny

Just a quick suggestion re informing others about your illness and how it affects you -

Something which helped my hubbie and I a lot with explaining his BP (to a few trusted people) was to find various bits of info both via the web and bookshops and instead of trying to remember everything when explaining it to family members actually give them something after a brief chat that they can read and keep and hopefully absorb PRIOR to having a deeper discussion at a later date.

This worked for us as we found it easier to discuss and answer questions once the other person had had a chance to study the info and take it in in their own time and at their own pace. We discovered that it is incredibly difficult to explain depression and mania to people who have never suffered from mental illness, they just don't get it however hard they try and even with their best intentions, they just can't remember the details. My dad especially struggled as he has never suffered from depression for example and could not get that you could not just feel better by going out for a walk for example as this is what makes him feel better when he is having a 'bad' day. I use this word very loosely as his bad and my hubbies bad are at totally different ends of the scale as my dad has never suffered a day of depression in his life. Although he still doesn't quite understand he does (bless him) have a GENUINE APPRECIATION of how difficult it is for my hubbie to live with the BP and so makes allowances for it now.

It is a complex illness (as I am sure you know) and easy to forgot the detail if you just have a conversation with someone. The other really useful thing for us that worked was when talking to my parents was we honestly related the BP to my hubbie's behaviour over the past 20 years to actual incidents and real examples of problems with people, events etc. that they had observed but not understood why he had acted/reacted in this way. It was for us the the only way to make it 'real' and link the disorder to him and get them to see how it affected him in his day to day life. To my surprise by doing this my parents were much more understanding and sympathetic than I thought they would be.

Also giving them some external info other than you just talking to them will hopefully make it more real for them and take it very seriously (not implying they wouldn't anyway). They are lots of statistics around as to how common it is/not is for example and the fact that it is often genetic etc. You don't mention whether anyone else in your family has a history of this type of illness but if they do them I am sure your parents and relatives have seen and experienced their disorder over the years which may help you clarify things further.

Sorry, one last thing which I think is VERY important, don't just focus on the negative, I had a whole list of 'famous' people who suffered from BP and who were very very influential and a very positive influence in the world etc. The world would be a very different place without them and the other side of BP is that it often allows people to achieve and do truly wonderful and amazing things. Again, there is a lot of this info on the web.

Hope this is helpful.

Honey Bee

NB: Wikipedia for example has quite a good clear, but detailed explanation and there are lots of great books out there.

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 1/4/2008 10:28:29 AM (GMT-7)


bunnypucker
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 494
   Posted 1/4/2008 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
sukay-
thanks for making me feel better about not posting much, by the time i get to a post most people have said what i would have said so i feel it would be redundant. i dont actually make a list but i am trying to plan at least one thing each day i am going to do, be it clean my room (cause it ALWAYS needs to be cleaned) or go to the store because i like doing that. i just have to be careful with my spending when i get manic or depressed i get to be compulsive with my spending. but were working on my self control. so thank you

honey bee-
i know exactly what you mean with your dad talking about what happens when he has a bad day. things that make others feel better dont lift my depression and even a distraction can prove to be to difficult to do. i think that i am going to sit down with my mom and just tell her, while im in a relatively good moment, what i need from her. and what she says that doesnt help me. its going to be so hard, im not good at any sort of confrontation and even though i know that term doesnt really apply, thats what it feels like. i think i will get a book on bipolar and after i read it, pass it on. something that isnt so clinical but more conversational with the types of things we feel and experience. i hope i can find something like that, even online. there is a history if mental illness on my mom;s side as well as alcoholism so i know she has experience with it. we dont know about my dads side, hes adopted. my mom is a nurse too and she has seen so much suffering that i think it is hard to come home and see me suffering and knowing she cant do much about it. also i think she is desensitized from it. i mean when you spend all day giving chemo to cancer patients its easy to come home and think "at least shes not dying". that i can understand at least.


i guess i have to be more clear with people with what i need. especially right now that im in a bad time. i have to make them understand that the word "depressed" is a bad work for it because it doesnt compare to what a normal person feels like when they get depressed. its a totally different thing. i know im making progress even though it is slow and i know that i just have to wait till the meds kick back in but i just get that drawn out and hopeless feelingand feel like its never going to.
oh well, at least i slept last night. thats rare and it helps me a bit when i have a good night behind me. so im still feeling the same but the virtual hugs make me feel a bit better. and i needed this advice badly, so thank you all.

ill let you know how it goes,


bunny
Crohn's Disease Diagnosed 12/24/03 and Bipolar
[color=black>Probable]

Im 26 years old, and am currently only taking remicade and protonix for my CD. am on quite the cocktail for my BP however: Geodon, Lamictal, Celexa, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.
Im also on lipitor for high cholesterol caused by a prior BP med. im on fentanyl patches for pain also, and i take some meds prn for my allergies, asthma, and migrianes.

<FONT color=#00ffff>

<FONT color=orange>


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/4/2008 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Bunny,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Everyone had such great advice though. (I'm taking notes. I've been feeling pretty low myself. ) You should never feel like you need to apologize for not being "talkative." We know you and welcome whatever you have to give and are always happy to help.

I think a discussion with your mom sounds like a great idea. You're right it will probably be hard, but in the end valuable. The book is another good option. I really like the book I have by David Miklowitz : The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. It's meant for both patients and their families.

Feel better, and do keep us up to date.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


bunnypucker
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2003
Total Posts : 494
   Posted 1/8/2008 5:42 PM (GMT -7)   

i had to chanfe my doc appt becasue of a migraine so im going on thursday now. i cant wait to go i have so much to talk about.

i have GI appt that day also to talk about my crohns. its coming back after being on 5 months of prednisone that completley ravages my body, keeps me from sleeping and messed with my head meds. but the doc will prolly want to put me back on it.

i just cant win.

 

ill post again after my appt, let you know how it goes. i am having brief moments where my depression lifts. so that good, and i am showing come emotion again which is good also. guess i jsut have to wait some more.

bunny

 


Crohn's Disease Diagnosed 12/24/03 and Bipolar

Im 26 years old, and am currently only taking remicade and protonix for my CD. am on quite the cocktail for my BP however: Geodon, Lamictal, Celexa, Buspar, Wellbutrin and Klonopin.
Im also on lipitor for high cholesterol caused by a prior BP med. im on fentanyl patches for pain also, and i take some meds prn for my allergies, asthma, and migrianes.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/8/2008 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there bunny. It's all frustrating right now, but cling to those moments of light, because they show you how it will be when things even out again -- which they will. Keep us posted.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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