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mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/7/2008 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Well...this morning is back to school.  My husband is a high school teacher, and I have 3 daughters.  So I am glad they are all back on a schedule after 2 weeks for Christmas Break.
But maybe back to school for me too.  If you remember...I was only diagnosed as Bipolar I 2 months ago.  I am also a rapid cycler and sometimes mixed state Bipolar.
The meds I am on seem to be working for me.  I feel completely different than I had been for over a decade.  I think some mg. adjustments will be made in the near future, especially my anti depressant needing to be upped.
Back to the topic.  I have therapy today and then I am going up to the college.  Part of Bipolar with me is starting classes and then within a couple of weeks giving up because of the depression.  Over the past 15 years I have managed to finish and pass enough to earn an AS degree...but now I am thinking of applying for the RN program.  THere is one class that is a prerequisite that I need to take, so I am meeting with a counselor to get into one of the online classes.  Then I apply for the program in March, and it actually starts in the fall.
I know with how I feel right now that I would never be able to go through the 2 year RN program, but it doesnt start for 8 months.  So I guess my problem right now is with trusting my own feelings.  Am I looking forward to doing this because of the same old thing....mania?  And a few weeks into it I will give in to the depression and give up?  Meaning...are the meds not really working and right now I am just in that manic, hopeful state...where I hope "this is it", "I am finally on my way to feeling better"? 
Or am I really feeling better.
My main problem is that for The first 10 years I suffered with this in silence...not really knowing what was wrong with me...just that I knew I did not feel "normal", and guessing I was depressed, since it ran on my mother's side. I finally had a breakdown 5 years ago, started seeing a psychiatrist....was diagnosed as clinically depressed, put on Lexapro and saw the psych for 2 years.  Only to keep with the mania symptoms...lying, overspending.  Never once was the word Bipolar ever said. 
So I feel...is this really "the fix" or the beginning of it anyway?  Like I am afraid to really jump on the bandwagon of ..this new diagnosis and therapy.  I believe whole heartedly that I am finally diagnosed correctly, since learning so much about Bipolar, my symptoms are almost textbook.... I am still skittish.
UGH....so hard to trust everything.  The same way it is hard for those around me to trust that I actually feel better.  I guess only time will tell.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/7/2008 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Michele,

I totally understand. I think you can trust that you feel better. You know what it feels like to be bottomed out and you clearly aren't there, so you're obviously better. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's a little reality check too. We need those sometimes because we don't trust ourselves. And I too often question what's real emotion and what's not. You need a barometer.

I think trying the prerequisite class is a good idea. It's only one class so the load isn't going to be unbearable. And if you need to back out of it you can without sacrificing an entire program.

I would give joining an RN program a little more thought before rushing in, though. Being a nurse is an incredibly high-pressure job. Stress and bp generally don't go great together. Not that you can't or shouldn't do it -- I'm sure there are plenty of bp nurses out there, just that since you're new to it, you might wan't to consider that.

Best wishes,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 1/9/2008 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Michele,

I also totally understand you, and have evidence to prove it. I am hopefully going to graduate with a BS in May, but I would have been in school for 9 1/2 years by that time. I have failed countless number of classed because of my BP, bit one thing I didn't do is give up. I have taken a few breaks when the going got tough, but I am almost there.

I too start out really motivated about most of my classes, then somewhere in the middle get severely depressed, and wonder why I am there. Unfortunetly, this happens every semester, but the only way to make it is to push yourself. You have to believe in yourself. Best wishes, and don't stress yourself too much about classes especially if it is not for another 8 months.
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar

Post Edited (olivia of course) : 1/11/2008 8:52:50 PM (GMT-7)


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/9/2008 10:58 PM (GMT -7)   
MM, I saw your post and I had a few thoughts for you. It sounds like trusting yourself is an issue because you have never been able to before, which is what was so baffling to you before - how can we not trust ourselves.... So now it is the, "Is this real or memorex" type of thing. As with anything else, it is just going to take practice - it doesn't just happen by itself...it is learned over time. Olivia and Serafena are correct that you are going to need to do A LOT of conscious (one of my favorite words) checking in with yourself. Trust will come in time. It builds when you see that what you feel/say/do all match up with consistency, when your daily follow through is something most times you can count on yourself for, and you are ready to not override what you have committed to do - because of how you feel. You are DEFINITELY on the road. And here is my proof for you....YOU are owning your condition. You are taking your meds, being responsible for your behavior by looking at your patterns and telling the truth about them - both the good and bad. You are analyzing what has not worked in the past and are in advance trying to responsibly make this decision for yourself so it can be a success by putting in a lot of pre-thought, and not playing games about the realities of it with yourself. ALL good signs.

Now, here are my concerns...I too had a reaction to RN. I think Serafena has a good idea about the one class to really check it out. The stress, exhaustion, etc....can be unbelievable - never mind the study to become an RN, but doing the job consistently itself. Honestly I think it is a noble goal, but perhaps not the best fit for a BP? Only you can make that decision. When looking at choices for a career...is that one you feel long term you can handle- or are you setting yourself up to not succeed? The fact that you want to be an RN tells me a lot about you. I get that you want to help people. I get you are caring. I get you want to make a difference. Fabulous qualities you should think highly of yourself for. Now my question would be - are there other jobs near or around the profession better suited to you - when you take all things into consideration? Also, perhaps is there another profession all together that would allow you to combine, all those wonderful things about you, with what you want to do, that might also interest you....and it would be something you would find stimulating, enjoyable and you would be able to consistently handle regardless of what was going on with your BP?...because even stable you will have ups & downs...good days and bad. I am sure you have looked at this issue. But here are a couple of examples of what I mean -- I just learned that at the famous Institute of Art near me, that a creative person can actually study and graduate with a career in model building (and those people can actually find well paid work!). I had NO idea. I would have loved that when I was young. I love working as part of a team, I love making things and creating things and seeing a vision come to life. So....ALL THOSE YEARS AGO...when I was in my study days....I would have loved to have known of that as an option. It opened my eyes that if I didn't know about that...how much else I didn't know about as well that I could have chosen from? So....I pose that question to you? Next...I have a friend who wanted to dance, but she had terrible stage fright. She kept pushing herself and pushing herself with classes and auditions...but she kept chocking at the auditions. She thought her options were performing or teaching...and she didn't really want to be a classic dance teacher, but she wanted to earn money at it. Finally she looked at what about dancing mattered to her so much, and it wasn't the performing, it was the idea of creating beauty for people through movement, and she loved the way moving her body made her feel. Then one day this woman asked her if she would be willing to work with some "special needs or disabled kids" because they wanted to create a movement program for them. She fell in LOVE with this. She went on to study movement therapy for kids and combined her love of dance with this. The faces of the kids and parents when things improved for the kids, the one on one work, etc... gave her everything she ever needed about it. And she earns a nice living at it too. So, as you can see, there are lots of different ways to look at things. Start with what you know you can handle, that would support you being consistent and successful - always able to follow through. Then start looking at various careers that allow that, and would combine what you want to do. Sometimes working with a career counselor helps? A friend of mine after working successfully in a career as a film editor for over 20 years wants out, but has no idea what else to do...so he has begun this process with one to figure out what else his skills and interests would translate into.

Anyway, those were my thoughts. I know whatever you decide, you will have put a lot of thought into it. Good luck to your successes ahead. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 1/9/2008 11:08:47 PM (GMT-7)


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/10/2008 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you all for the replies.

Although RN is what I do want to do.  I know I can not jump into a profession like that.  I have a few nurse family members, and the stress level is high.  I have a meeting on Tuesday with my college counselor and I am going to discuss all of this.  And have him also look into other options.  My college also has a great Radiology program.

The good thing about this new school counselor, is that he is in charge of the Special Programs department....works with those with disabilities.  I have already filled out all of the paperwork, and my therapist has filled out some also.  So in any classes I take, because of the Bipolar diagnosis, I will have certain provisions...like extra time on tests, and counselor check every 2 weeks, etc.  I think this will in the long run help keep me on track and keep that depression from creeping up and making me want to give it all up.

So I hope I am taking all the precautions to help make this time more successful.  Like you Olivia...when I am done with this class it will have been 16 years of off and on college , just to get an A.S degree  :)


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/10/2008 2:03 PM (GMT -7)   
The Radiology program is a great option. So is the pulmonary...breathing treatments and such. I know a gal who does that and loves it. Also, what is the catagory of the people who do the ultrasounds and such at the hospital. They go from room to room helping with echo cardiagrams, ultrasounds...etc. I can never remember their titles. Anyway, great game plan with all the rest too. See, loads of options to find the perfect win win for you. Best of luck. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/11/2008 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Go Michele Go! You can absolutely do this!
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/11/2008 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   

LOL...thanks serafena!

Well one anxiety hurdle has been accomplished, meeting with the one counselor and adding and paying for this one English classso I am in, and it is an online class.  But I have to meet with my special services counselor every two weeks.....just to make sure I am still with it and not slipping into the "why am I here " rut.

The counselor also helped me clean up my transcripts.  My GPA was lower because of the many years of starting and stopping a class, and getting F's in them because of that.  So I had to do an academic renewal...you can do that on classes that have been more than 5 years since you had taken them.  So it made my GPA jump up, so that made me feel better.

So right now my goal is to just get through this class, and stick with it  :)


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 1/13/2008 9:04 PM (GMT -7)   
 
Hello Michele! :-)
 
I have just been reading through your post. I'm so glad to hear that you are finally feeling real good! Good for you! 
 
I'm also glad to hear that you are continuing to push forward with a plan that you have been committed to!  I think this time around will be better for you now that you have been properly diagnosed and on the proper medications, plus having the extra help of a special needs counselor sounds excellent!
 
Hooray for YOU! This is a huge adjustment to you from where you have been. Continue to move forward but enjoy yourself along the way. Don't over committ yourself right now. See how things go and like you said, just concentrate on getting through this class first.
 
Good luck to you!
 
~sukay~
Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/14/2008 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you Sukay.

I can not even begin to tell all of you how much all of your support means to me.  Especially during this time when my husband can not offer me his full support because of his reservations, anger, etc.

I am so grateful to have found this forum.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson

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