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olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 1/15/2008 8:28 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been struggling a lot lately with blaming myself when things go wrong, and they do more frequently than I would like. Especially when it comes to things that could have been prevented. I beat myself up as usual, and sometimes find myself obsessing over what I could have done instead.

When I last saw my therapist she said it is part of being BP and of course human. I guess my biggest struggle is in how I deal with things. Now more than ever I am wondering if the way I handle things is just a natural thing, or is my BP affecting everything. Now I am confused.

What do you think, do you deal with the same issues?
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 1/16/2008 12:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia, you are not alone. I to do the same thing, but I have to wonder - while it is the same thing - if you don't perhaps take it a step or two further or longer than I would - given you are BP, and I am not? That is the only potential difference I can think of. I have learned though, that if I start obsessing on the issue "coulda, shoulda, woulda" stuff, it is best to tell myself what is done is done, do what I can to make it right, apologize for it...whatever, then I try to learn from it, figure out how I can prevent the issue in the future, and then....LET IT GO! If that doesn't work, I "confess" my screw-up to my H, BFF, or my mom, so I can get it off my chest and I make sure I don't hide it like something I have to feel shame about. When I do this, I seem to remove its power over me. Then I give myself a new task to sort through and my mind just seems to let it go...step by step. In essence, I make myself "get on with it" and move forward as best I can. Does this help? Otherwise, I am great at taking on all the guilt about it, even if sometimes it REALLY isn't my fault. Part of me just expects so much of myself, and another part just cares so much that I do good. Learning to forgive myself and moving on is important. HUGS...LFW

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 1/16/2008 8:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia, I do the same thing.  I find a way to turn everything that goes wrong into my fault.  It seems to be happening alot lately too.  In fact, when I "confess" what went wrong, I usually start out the sentence with..."I am so stupid" or "I am such an idiot."  I get so worked up about it, that while it is going on I can't eat or anything.  I am so worried of "getting in trouble" for doing something "wrong"

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


Mr.T
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 1/16/2008 6:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Olivia,

Same goes for me.  I worry about everything and always think of the worst ending.  Everything is my fault and it's so bad that if I suspect something is going to be wrong I worry so much and cannot sleep or eat all anticipating something bad will happen or someone will get angry at me. 90% of the time nothing really bad has happened, but I still do it all of the time.  I feel the wight of the world on my shoulders and have to have everyone happy or I am miserable. I wish I could tell you how to control it, but I can't even do that.  I can just tell you that you are not alone with this, and we will be here for you.


Evelyn7
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 1/17/2008 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   
new to forum. I do the same thing, blaming myself. I am way too hard on myself and constantly beat myself up for little mistakes I make. I am trying not to be such a perfectionist. Yet when ever I do or dont do something, I isolate myself. Soon the depression creeps in and I need to release the emotional pain.


--I edited your post due to Forum Rule #1

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (olivia of course) : 1/17/2008 6:46:18 PM (GMT-7)


Django Hendrix
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 1/17/2008 8:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Limited as I am to interactions with other people who suffer from Bipolar disorder, I must confess I am a little relieved to know that "beating self up" to the extreme is something that we all go through. Don't get me wrong, it is a horrible thing.

For me, if any little thing goes wrong it can alter my mood dramatically. Usually starts out with a huge surge of negative emotion that may last for a day or two, or less, and then ends in depression. When I'm experiencing one of these spells, I call myself the most horrible names and rant and rave at myself and God. My neighbors, if they can hear me, probably think I'm crazy :-)

On the other side of the coin I replay and scrutinize my behavior and interactions with other people and have high levels of remorse and anxiety over "perceived" wrong doings or social blunders. This also alters my mood, some times dramatically. The key here, is that 95% these things are "perceived", not "real". The whole thing just snowballs until I'm imagining all kinds of things and reading people and information based on a delusion that is in my mind. It is scary to think about because my mind is deceiving me, and my mind is all I have.

I don't know if what I've described is similar. I hope it helps. I don't have answers, but it is good to know we are not alone.

DH

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 1/17/2008 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   

olivia, my dear, dear friend.  You have managfed to put me into two minds regarding bipolar.  (sorry.  my sence of humor is really out in left field - or is that something stinkey in a pile out is left field?  i get so confused, y'all (only been in alabama for a few months and already my linguistic skills are feeling the pinch :-) .

 

I finally reached a bottom line - close to a bottom line with respect to the feeling aweful when something went wrong.  actually, in philosophy it's called the exestential fallacy.   What this philosophical law says is that if a  woman is raped in broad daylight in th emiddle of new youk city with 30 civilians watching, living is texas and alabama I have no responsibility for that poor woman's suffering.  Perhasps she is advanced in her own spiritual (not relgious - there's a difference) development to be able to chalk it up to karma and to get on with the spiritual growth and beauty that the great pumpkin (i'm not going to get into a discussion of "my god's bigger/better/scarier/etc. than your god.")  we are all RESPONSIBLE for happens to us in this lifetime; but we are NOT ACCOUNTABLE.

 

I hope that this epistle has helped.  remember that everything, good or bad, that ever happens to is is caused either by karma or constipation.  think about it - just don't spend your whole life obccessing over it.

 

Olivia, I haven't been on in about six months.  we managed to get to alabama and get set up with doctors.  Then my body decidd to make my chronic bronchitis accute and I spent several days in the hospital.  less than a week later I couldn't breath and spent a night in the er.  noone can say that my life is dull.  My x-wife cursed my with an ancient Chinese epithet:  "may you always live in interesting times. 

 

Glad that your's was the first posting thatt I saw tonight.  I wish you bluebirds, roses, peace, and harmony.

 

warren

(mia for almost six months confused ).


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 1/19/2008 6:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia,
 
I do blame myself; feel guilty; say "I'm sorry" --all the time.  I try to change this, but it seems that it's just too hard to change.  What it is for me is insecurity and I think that definitely goes along with the BP and my anxiety.
 
Ugh, what a time you've been having.  I am just hoping things change for you soon.  Have you ever looked into a support group for your BP?  Just curious.  I am thinking of trying to get into one again, because I am finding that I'm not managing things as well as I could be.  It's like I'm getting lazy (or fed up) with it all.  I'm not sure if it's something that would help you; it's so good that you have a therpist.  I don't have counselling anymore, and it's affecting me greatly.
 
Take care hun, hope things get better for you soon.


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 100 mg/day


marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 1/19/2008 8:10 AM (GMT -7)   
If you see a psychologist, ask him/ her about a workbook designed to help you deal with your way of thinking about things. My doctor gave me one and I have been slowly working through it. It has really helped. I used to be so negative and depressed over the things I had done and very pessimistic about the future, etc. The work in this book helped me put things in the proper perspective.

I don't think we are allowed to recommend specific books on here but I'm sure your doctor knows of something similar to what I am talking about. You'll learn a lot about your patterns of thinking.

Many hugs and best wishes!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/19/2008 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Marthamae -- you can recommend a specific book. If you know of a good one, lay it on us.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 1/21/2008 9:13 PM (GMT -7)   
I guess for a moment I was feeling all alone. I need to live and let go of things. Especially of things that I have no control over. I am doing better as the days pass by, and all the other posts have been pretty encouraging. When guilt wants to creep it's head back in, I wallow in it sometimes, but I do not let it consume me. I am trying, and that's what counts.
Olivia
Co-Moderator, Bipolar


Tammysuebee
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/21/2008 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
confused  sometime I get confused about this as well.  I too am very hard on myself.  Much more than other people are.  I hate for things to go wrong, to lose something important or worst of all completly forget something.  I used to blame it on being a Virgo. LOL  Now I have my BP to blame it on.
It took someone I really loved to point out to me that I am not the only one that has these feelings.  "Normal" (non BP) can have the same issues.  And amazingly once I started looking around, I realized she was right.  I now instead of feeling isolated and "crazy", I try to watch how others handle the same problems.  Trust me, I am not down playing the BP because my behavior can be a much more extreme form of these issues.  What I am trying to say is that there is a fine line between the you being the disease and you having the disease. 
I have found that if I concentrate more solving the problem(whatever it may be) and less time blaming on this or that, that my problem is solved much fast and I can move forword instead of getting stuck in the here and now.
I hope this helps if not thanks for taking the time to read it anyway.
Tam

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/22/2008 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tam,

Thanks for joining the forum, it's great that you jumped right in! Why not hit "New Topic" and tell us a little bit about yourself? We love to meet and greet our new members. It sounds like you've been BP for a while. We can always use new wisdom.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 1/25/2008 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   

olivia,

 

it's hard to stand on one leg while kicking yourself in the arsae with the other leg and hope tp make progress.

much love, olivia.  I'm still there but tyring to have fun with it, too.

 

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 1/27/2008 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   
dear olivia,
dont fret yrself.thats human and all of us do that.the difference is bp ppl go overboard and stop sign is no where to be found.REGRET AND WHAT IF IS normal in everyone;s life when things seem wrong.
i am no psychologist but i wish if i could erase all illnesses from world ,i would feel so happy.i am dealing with bp spouse and have great patience as i hear him day in and out.
so dont fret and enjoy yr time thinking every moment is important ,why ruin it for something you can hardly control.
stick to yr decisions .....if right greeeeeeet
if not ......we all learn from mistakes.
too much slackness or too much careful attitude spoils fun of the moment.
now i sound like a counselor so i better shut offff.
hehehe
have a fine sunday!!
hope this helps .
katy

marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 1/27/2008 4:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry I am just getting back to this thread.

The book I recommend is called "Mind over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger.

It's a workbook and you can do it by yourself or with the support of a friend or therapist. Check amazon.com for it.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 1/28/2008 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   

my friends on this thread,

 

the first challenge for each of us is to love ourselves.  this is not necessarily an easy task.  when i tote up all of the vile and nasty things that i have done in this lifetime  i sometimes think that i need a red asbestos business suit and and an air conditioned office.  then i sit back (without a cigarette for the first time in about 55 years) and realize that each of these opccurances was a learning experience and was, at least in part, a function of my bp letting itself out for a run.  the bp, for good or ill, is a part of me.  if i try to deny it, i am denying myself.  if i learn to love it, i am  learning to love myself.

the next challange is to refrain from being too judgemental with yourself.  i discovered that i would beat myself up about incidents that i would have let pass in anyone else.  in 100 years will anybody care that a particular report was a day late or that you got a B instead of an A on this one particular examination?  (if you answered "yes" to this question, you are beyond my small contributions to sanity.)  Let it go, people!  just let it go.  it doesn't realy matter.

Finally, there is the challange of sharing what you have learned.  there are two major branches of buddahism, miniyana and sidiyana.  The first says tha if you achieve nirvanna you are to keep your path to yourself because by sharing it you involve yourself in the karma of another person.  sidiyana, on the other hand, acknowleges the sharing of karma but says that this sharing is not necessarily a bad thing.  i believe that if you fail to  share your path, you are losing out on perhaps the greatist force on earth:  human emotion and human reations to a multitude of stimuili.  it is true that your canceer cannot help mine, but knowing how you have dealt with this scourge may help me to cope.  have i been everywhere, done everything, and have my fill from this decanter?  hardly.  i have tried to end my life many times and, fortunately (or unfortunately if you ask my ex) couldn't even succeed in this simple task.  I have lived in Germany and travelled all over western Europe and i've liven in England for almost 10 years, doing a lot of travelling there.  at the same time i have hurt a lot of people with insults and injustices that can naver be forgiven.  In my work i developed systems which would only be used in the event of world war iii - no holds bared and nothing held back.  may the egods forgive me things i have done in the name of "national security."

 

what i am trying to say is that we all have our idiocyncristicies and our own crosses to bear.  you cannot take away my idiocyncristincies nor can you bear my cross.  but by dealing with these three challenges perhaps we can help each other.

 

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 

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