Same goes for me. I worry about everything and always think of the worst ending. Everything is my fault and it's so bad that if I suspect something is going to be wrong I worry so much and cannot sleep or eat all anticipating something bad will happen or someone will get angry at me. 90% of the time nothing really bad has happened, but I still do it all of the time. I feel the wight of the world on my shoulders and have to have everyone happy or I am miserable. I wish I could tell you how to control it, but I can't even do that. I can just tell you that you are not alone with this, and we will be here for you.
Post Edited By Moderator (olivia of course) : 1/17/2008 6:46:18 PM (GMT-7)
olivia, my dear, dear friend. You have managfed to put me into two minds regarding bipolar. (sorry. my sence of humor is really out in left field - or is that something stinkey in a pile out is left field? i get so confused, y'all (only been in alabama for a few months and already my linguistic skills are feeling the pinch .
I finally reached a bottom line - close to a bottom line with respect to the feeling aweful when something went wrong. actually, in philosophy it's called the exestential fallacy. What this philosophical law says is that if a woman is raped in broad daylight in th emiddle of new youk city with 30 civilians watching, living is texas and alabama I have no responsibility for that poor woman's suffering. Perhasps she is advanced in her own spiritual (not relgious - there's a difference) development to be able to chalk it up to karma and to get on with the spiritual growth and beauty that the great pumpkin (i'm not going to get into a discussion of "my god's bigger/better/scarier/etc. than your god.") we are all RESPONSIBLE for happens to us in this lifetime; but we are NOT ACCOUNTABLE.
I hope that this epistle has helped. remember that everything, good or bad, that ever happens to is is caused either by karma or constipation. think about it - just don't spend your whole life obccessing over it.
Olivia, I haven't been on in about six months. we managed to get to alabama and get set up with doctors. Then my body decidd to make my chronic bronchitis accute and I spent several days in the hospital. less than a week later I couldn't breath and spent a night in the er. noone can say that my life is dull. My x-wife cursed my with an ancient Chinese epithet: "may you always live in interesting times.
Glad that your's was the first posting thatt I saw tonight. I wish you bluebirds, roses, peace, and harmony.
(mia for almost six months ).
Bipolar IIIt is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare
it's hard to stand on one leg while kicking yourself in the arsae with the other leg and hope tp make progress.
much love, olivia. I'm still there but tyring to have fun with it, too.
my friends on this thread,
the first challenge for each of us is to love ourselves. this is not necessarily an easy task. when i tote up all of the vile and nasty things that i have done in this lifetime i sometimes think that i need a red asbestos business suit and and an air conditioned office. then i sit back (without a cigarette for the first time in about 55 years) and realize that each of these opccurances was a learning experience and was, at least in part, a function of my bp letting itself out for a run. the bp, for good or ill, is a part of me. if i try to deny it, i am denying myself. if i learn to love it, i am learning to love myself.
the next challange is to refrain from being too judgemental with yourself. i discovered that i would beat myself up about incidents that i would have let pass in anyone else. in 100 years will anybody care that a particular report was a day late or that you got a B instead of an A on this one particular examination? (if you answered "yes" to this question, you are beyond my small contributions to sanity.) Let it go, people! just let it go. it doesn't realy matter.
Finally, there is the challange of sharing what you have learned. there are two major branches of buddahism, miniyana and sidiyana. The first says tha if you achieve nirvanna you are to keep your path to yourself because by sharing it you involve yourself in the karma of another person. sidiyana, on the other hand, acknowleges the sharing of karma but says that this sharing is not necessarily a bad thing. i believe that if you fail to share your path, you are losing out on perhaps the greatist force on earth: human emotion and human reations to a multitude of stimuili. it is true that your canceer cannot help mine, but knowing how you have dealt with this scourge may help me to cope. have i been everywhere, done everything, and have my fill from this decanter? hardly. i have tried to end my life many times and, fortunately (or unfortunately if you ask my ex) couldn't even succeed in this simple task. I have lived in Germany and travelled all over western Europe and i've liven in England for almost 10 years, doing a lot of travelling there. at the same time i have hurt a lot of people with insults and injustices that can naver be forgiven. In my work i developed systems which would only be used in the event of world war iii - no holds bared and nothing held back. may the egods forgive me things i have done in the name of "national security."
what i am trying to say is that we all have our idiocyncristicies and our own crosses to bear. you cannot take away my idiocyncristincies nor can you bear my cross. but by dealing with these three challenges perhaps we can help each other.