Bipolar IIIt is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare
Again, thank you for the replies. Things are chugging along. I am giving him space, not asking him to talk about things, keeping myself busy (which is very easy having 3 daughters)
I think where we are both stuck is the fact of the bipolar. Since being diagnosed, I have become an information addict. Well I should say I was for a while. I have alot of bookmarked articles and websites. I have read a terrific book suggested by my therapist. I am just the type of person that feels that knowledge is power. I would be doing the same thing if I had been diagnosed as diabetic....I would have every bit of info possible, and I would also be having to change my lifestyle...as far as diet and exercise.
Well it is as if he doesnt want to even hear the word bipolar. I do not in any way use it as an excuse for behaviors. I state it as my fact. I have a condition and it's sympoms have to do with my mental abilities. I do own what I have done, and I do not feel I can apologize anymore without making myself feel stupid for having to apologize over and over for the same instance. I just feel that his anger is not allowing him to even venture the possibility of bipolar, he needs to be able to just blame me for all the ills, and doesnt want to put a dx into the mix. But the one thing that allows me to move on and continue on my journey to getting better is that I DO allow myself to learn about bipolar and having these light bulb moments that help explain the whys.
There is no way I would have even gotten to feeling as good as I do now if I hadn't allowed myself to explain alot of my past to being undiagnosed and untreated bipolar. It in no way gives me a free pass...but it answers alot of questions, and helps lead me in this new direction of wellness that I never had before. Being dx as bipolar has been a curse and a blessing. A curse in the way that it is an affliction that can affect my brain and that I have to be on medication for the rest of my life....and control it. But a blessing in the way that the self defeating thoughts and actions that have plagued my adult life now have a reason for existing. It wasnt because I was innately evil or bad...it was because I was suffering unknowingly with something that can be treated.
So there is a fine line in this house as far as the word bipolar. But I am not going to allow hime to kepp treating me like I am just evil...and not a person struggling with something. And more importantly someone actually trying...faithfully taking my meds, keeping a journal, doing things to feel better. And most inportantly therapy...and that is one of the things I have to learn how to do...is to trust people with even my failures. I am learning to do that..it has only been 2 months and I feel I can not be faulted for not being able to snap my fingers and be all better, with no screw ups.
We have therapy tomorrow and I am looking forward to getting to finally talk.