About to give up on spouse

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Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 2/11/2008 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I haven't posted in awhile.  I do come in and read sometimes just trying to understand this disorder.  My husband must be bipolar or maybe bpd and definitely has ADD.  I have read extensively about all of these disorders and others but someone here said one day, it doesn't really matter which it is, the symptoms are similiar and the behaviors are difficult either way.
 
I could handle so many of dh's behaviors but I am at my wit's end now.  He has decided that he won't work for someone else.  He has tried over and over different businesses "unsuccessfully" and has about 10 ideas or more for new businesses now.  He doesn't have money for a start up.  6 months ago he did but wouldn't put any effort toward anything.  He waits until we are down to our last $200 to get motivated enough to sell something or borrow money.  I use to work and in hindsight realized when I did, he would pretend to be working only he would rack up debt rather than actually make a profit at the businesses that he had.  He worked 20 years ago at a plant for years.  But he doesn't want to do that again because he doesn't want anyone "telling him what to do or to get back to work" etc. 
 
I love him and we have been married over 20 years.  He has a pyschiatrist and takes medication for anxiety and depression.  He has manic episodes too and goes on spending sprees.  Not huge ones like wiping out the bank but enough to cause alot of problems in our marriage.  I am just fed up and I'm really considering ending the marriage soon and maybe we can just continue as friends and enjoy each other's company from time to time.  I just don't want to live week to week pinching pennies and owing money to others like he sets us up for.
 
Thanks for listening to me.  I know that you folks here are very kind people and have helped each other and others who come in needing advice.  If any of you have any suggestions by all means please give them to me.  I just don't think I can take this anymore.  But it's sad.  I hate to give up our love for each other.  But sometimes love just isn't enough when I am constantly upset and resentful for all of the pain he puts me through.  At least if I am in control of my own life after I leave maybe we can still love each other from across town.......??
 
Thanks again...........       

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/11/2008 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Dasa...You didn't mention any kids, so I am assuming there are none, or they are grown now. I am sorry for how painful this is for you. My H is BP, and love or no love...it IS rough a lot, sometimes even on good days. I think you are recognizing you count too, and in reassessing your life, you are seeing that even after 20 years....in some cases...it just is not putting a smile on your face or participating in creating security for you that as we age...we NEED. I TOTALLY understand. I think you are being brave with yourself and telling the truth for you. Parting does not need to be angry, it can just be what is needed because of the facts for you (as you expressed above). You are right that by telling the truth, you have the best shot to always love him (and he you) - you can develop an very loving friendship, and start allowing both of you to stand on your own again. It will be hard for you both for a time, but under the circumstances that you are describing...a good thing too. But after a while, you will BOTH find your way. It is a hard choice, but I admire your willingness to look at the hard decisions and include what is best for YOU in them. My best wishes to you for a peaceful transition. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 2/12/2008 12:01:46 PM (GMT-7)


Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 2/12/2008 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the response LFW, I wondered if some would think that having real love in our lives is more important than the pain that we face with a spouse who can't or won't be responsible for a secure future. It has been a long process on my part getting to this decision. I know that he might remarry or otherwise become someone who is no longer in my life. That is a painful thought but this life the way it is going is painful too so I guess I'm just trading one for the other.

I just don't understand why he thinks working a normal job is so difficult. It would be alot easier than worrying about how to pay bills and where the next meal is coming from. He is an intelligent man and capable of finding a job that would be a fit for him. I just don't get it. Anyway, thanks again, I appreciate your thoughts because I know that you know what I'm dealing with day to day.........Dasa

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/12/2008 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Dasa, It is interesting that you only comment in terms of him remarrying again, or dating. YOU may as well. You could even find out that if your life balances out - and you find YOUR happiness again (alone or with another)....you will be happy for him/them. You could even build a special bonding friendship that lasts a lifetime that is special BECAUSE of the 20 years you have shared. And you could even create a special friendship with his new "partner" (and visa versa)...one big united extended family! Stranger things can happen...look at Demi/Ashton/Bruce....it IS possible if you REALLY want happiness for each other, and you both accept...that it won't be physically with each other anymore.... too much history, too much pain under the bridge as it were...but because of the deep love that still exists, you can create together a deep level of love and special emotional intimacy that still lives between you...if you both want. It is all choices and telling the truth.

I do get your feelings and I do NOT think negatively about your decision in any way. That is the beauty and freedom we have to lead our own lives. We can make the right decisions for ourselves at any given moment without judgment from others. No one can say what is best for you, except you. People may have opinions, but unless they have walked in your shoes - and lived with your needs (the ones being fulfilled and not fulfilled), they can not know what is right to do FOR YOU. Only you can.

I am sending you good thoughts. LFW

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 2/13/2008 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Dasa,

I was just curious. Has your husband actually been diagnosed with bipolar by a psychiatrist? If so is he seeing his doctor regurlarly? I ask because you said "My husband must be bipolar..."

If he has been diagnosed with bipolar why is he only being treated by his psychiatrist for depression & anxiety only? He needs proper medication for bipolar.

It also sounds like he could benefit from seeing a therapist for sure.  Has he considered this option?

 

Just curious.


Dasa
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 2/13/2008 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Sukay,

He has been seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 years mainly because he was going through withdrawal from valium.  His MD doctor wouldn't continue giving it to him.  Other doctors had given him Strattera which helped him for ADD but made him nauseated.  None would give him any other ADD med.  Other doctors had given him Zyprexa (a mood stabilizer?)  which helped him but we couldn't afford it and also it made him binge eat. Then it became scary to us because of possible liver damage.  He has been on other medications over the years that he didn't like at all. 

The pyschiatrist he sees now only asks him how he is.  Dh tells him a rosy story and he writes his prescriptions.  He said that dh could go to a therapist in another county to be tested for ADD and that he wouldn't give it to him without the other doctor giving him the diagnosis because he worries about giving out such a control substance.  He only finally agreed to that after getting tiffed at me for pushing him to give dh something for ADD.  The doctor hasn't mentioned bipolar or bpd or anything else.  He has him on klonopin, cymbalta and requip.  He hasn't gone to the therapist because the psychiatrist only gave him the referral at our insistance.  I just feel like he has more going on and an ADD med might make him manic.  And he is manic enough.

I agree that he needs to be diagnosed but it has been difficult to find a doctor around here that will be thorough enough to get a diagnosis done.  But hopefully dh will find one.  

  

 

Post Edited (Dasa) : 2/13/2008 2:26:48 PM (GMT-7)

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