checking in on Casem

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loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/12/2008 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Casem, just checking in on you. How are things going? Last you posted you were having a rough go, are things getting any better for you? I am sending you well wishes so you know we are thinking about you...LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/14/2008 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi LFW,
Thank you so much for asking about me. I miss you and think of you often in warm, sunny SoCAL!
It has been quite awhile, but I check in now and then, to try and keep up with everyone else. There are quite a few new people so I feel a little out of the loop....but I identify with their hurt and pain so much I wish I could hug every single one of them.
 
It has been almost 6 weeks since I have talked to Michael. On Jan. 4th I told him that there is no room in my life for an unhealthy person such as himself. He made no effort to contact me for one month. As of last week, ALL of his belongings, down to the last dish in the cupboard was packed, placed in the garage and picked up! I simply sent a text message asking him to pick up his things and not to call me, email me, text me and not to respond to my text under any circumstances. Ofcourse he did, with a "Real nice of you". I did not respond. I feel free and cleansed.
 
I attribute my strength to the best therapist this side of the Mississippi! I have seen David twice a week since the beginning of January and, although it has been one of the most painful experiences, I am moving forward and learning more about myself and who I am and what I want from life. I have read two of the greatest books about the family dynamic and schematherapy and "why I do the things I do." (Am I allowed to say what books they are or is that considered advertising?) Without my therapist, I wouldn't be able to set the limits with Michael that I have and feel as good as I do today. I know I have along way to go...but it is a start.
 
Michael called and texted on Tuesday, I did not respond. It helped me to feel even more invested at a time when I was waivering and questing my commitment to myself. He is still not healthy, his downward spiral has is rapidly progressing and there is nothing his dad nor I can do. I have accepted this and I am focusing all of my energy on myself, with out guilt or remorse.
 
My advice to every one considering a life with someone with bipolar disorder who refuses to seek treatment or take responsibility for their illness is to set limits and hold strong and true to those limits. For yourself and for the person you love. The decisions you make regarding this illness have NOTHING to do with love. You can love someone with all of your heart and soul, but if they are not committed to their own treatment program, and if you do not set limits for what you will accept in your life, and are not prepared to act if those limits are breached, no amount of love in this world will save your relationship with someone with bipolar disorder.
 
But I also know.....everyone needs to learn on their own, the hard way. The advice here on HW is invaluable, and if only the experiences of others could truly touch the minds and hearts of everyone so they could "JUST DO WHAT WE SAY", it would save so much heartache. But I think the journey is half of the "healing well", no matter how much it hurts.
 
How are you, your H and S? How are you feeling lately? How is the business?
 
Casem
 


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 2/14/2008 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Casem,

I'm sure LFW will be very excited to see that you responded to her post! I was very happy to see and read it. It's so nice to hear that you have been around and still with us! I thought we had lost you and I too was curious how you were doing.

I'm so glad that you found a therapist that you are able to really connect to. I have one like that. I have been seeing her for about 7 years now. If it weren't for my therapist helping/leading me to make physically & mentally healthy decisions in  my life I don't know how I would have made it through things without her. So I totally understand how wonderful that feels. That is why I am such a huge encourager for people to make an appointment with one as part of their wellness plan when dealing with bipolar for themselves or those that are in relationships with someone who has bipolar. Good for you.

I wish you would copy & paste some of the information that you have learned about bipolar for YOURSELF for those that are in relationships with people who have bipolar, so that they can hear what YOU have learned. We have so many new people on here as you have already noticed that need help in this very area. You don't know how much your one post today has continued to help others. Maybe you can retitle the new post so that it could catch their eyes. Just a thought.

I am so glad that you are on a healthy journey for yourself!

Sincerely,



~sukay~
Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/14/2008 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sukay,
I just may do that. I will copy some of my post, and include some other tender nuggets of things I have learned, especially the point about setting limits and focusing on what drew me to someone "unhealthy" like this in the first place. It is one thing to be involved with someone with bp who manages their bp relatively well....but it is completely something else when there is abuse and manipulation and neglect.

A quick question...am I allowed to refer to specific books? Or is that considered advertisement? I really have found some so helpful in the initial stages of my journey, especially when I need to truly focus on JUST ME an MY ISSUES!

Thanks for your kind words. Maybe now that I am in a different position, I can start to help others with what I learn, rather than be in the "victim" role that I have been in for so long. Thanks, again.
 
Casem
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/14/2008 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem...OH MY GOSH...YOU SOUND GREAT!!!!!!!! I read your update and am sitting at my computer cheering. Hooray....YOU GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! You finally GOT IT!

Kudos to your therapist...but more important....KUDOS to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a mother seeing a child grow up and finally make it through a nightmare to the other side. It was FANTASTIC to see that you now understand that staying with a BP who runs, vs. staying with a BP who is working with all their might to overcome and manage the BP responsibly is really 2 different things. If someone cuts and runs from their truth...there is nothing you can do to help or participate in their lives. LOVE has NOTHING to do with it, and you prove NOTHING by staying. You are not showing them love by being a convenient place to provide them with to - lie to, cheat on, manipulate or destroy - thereby your life becomes the outward picture/demonstration, of their inner pain, fear and illness.

What you found as the truth, is what that says about you in that process if you do. Equal un-wellness, because you won't insist on better for yourself. We as spouses/partners...etc. HAVE to love ourselves as much. And boundaries, limits and healthy actions and consequences are our only way to do that. And we have a responsibility to OURSELVES to take care of us too. No one in their right mind would allow that level of chaos, abuse, and pain to be shoveled on themselves if everything was all right. So YOU got the help you needed to see that and are NOW making healthy decisions for yourself. NOW...your life and your future are bright. Keep up the great work. It takes time, and it is a NEVER ending process. But in time, you will get to where you will learn to trust yourself and see the signs of issues YOU - CASEM need to avoid in order to fulfill, and have, what YOU want in life. When you are far enough down the road of this process you will begin to meet others who are a good balance to your life.

To answer you question on how am I and my family....times have been a bit rough as everyone was sick off and on for the last 7 weeks. It is ALWAYS a rough time since meds are thrown off for my H & S. Then add to that work & financial stresses, teenage angst, and family dynamics....rough is a good word. But, we are all turning the corner to wellness (this has been a REALLY nasty flu), leveling off with our systems, and the kids are all calming down, and work is finding its way. Both my H's business and my own are gearing up to have (what I pray for and am determined to work towards), a positive year of growth and profits. Time will tell. My H is doing better in this department than myself, but I am committed to catch up this year! Send me good thoughts :-)

I am SO proud of you Casem. I hope for the sake of some of the new HW members, they listen well to all you have learned and can save themselves some time and pain as a result.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS....TO YOU......LFW

Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/14/2008 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much! Your kinds words, as always, are appreciated! My birthday was Feb. 7th, and it was also the start of the Chinese New Year....so I know it will be a great year. I am sending you wonderful thoughts full of growth and profitability for your business and health and happiness for your family.

I think you and Sukay were very right in many of your previous posts.....Michael not only has BP, but serious "Entitlement" issues. ....he takes more than he gives, he lacks the empathy and discipline needed to be in a healthy relationship or to even take care of his own life...DESPITE having BP. Throw the BP in the mix, and he is a very sad, confused, angry man. The further I am from the situation, the clearer I see the real issues. I don't think anyone has ever set limits for him...not his parents, his ex-wife (until she divorced him), not me...until now.

My therapist and I have discussed the fine line between those with entitlement issues and BP. How they seek immediate gratification no matter who it hurts (could be interpreted as an episode). How they lack the discipline to meet long term goals (could be seen as depression). How the manipulation and guilt they use go hand in hand and how anyone that loves them must be even stronger in setting limits. If you love someone with this entitlement issue, you must have some type of leverage in order to help them to change, because they do not respond to your expressions of hurt and pain. That is what I waisted so much of my time doing with Michael. I thought if I just constantly explained how much he was hurting me and stayed and showed him what he was doing was wrong, he would wake up one day and get it.......that isn't how it works. They only understand LIMITS. You must be prepared to follow through on ALL of your limits! If you continue to leave your dirty laundry on the floor, I will not do your laundry. If you continue to yell at me, I will not engage in a conversation with you. If you refuse to see your pdoc or seek treatment, I will end this relationship. Your love may ultimately be the most effective leverage for someone with entitlement issues, but that my not even be enough.

Anyway, I am reading some great books and I am so interested in the psychology of it all! I could go on forever.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate your ear! (((HUGS, HUGS, HUGS))) TO YOU!!!
 
Casem
 


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/14/2008 3:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much! Your kinds words, as always, are appreciated! My birthday was Feb. 7th, and it was also the start of the Chinese New Year....so I know it will be a great year. I am sending you wonderful thoughts full of growth and profitability for your business and health and happiness for your family.

I think you and Sukay were very right in many of your previous posts.....Michael not only has BP, but serious "Entitlement" issues. ....he takes more than he gives, he lacks the empathy and discipline needed to be in a healthy relationship or to even take care of his own life...DESPITE having BP. Throw the BP in the mix, and he is a very sad, confused, angry man. The further I am from the situation, the clearer I see the real issues. I don't think anyone has ever set limits for him...not his parents, his ex-wife (until she divorced him), not me...until now.

My therapist and I have discussed the fine line between those with entitlement issues and BP. How they seek immediate gratification no matter who it hurts (could be interpreted as an episode). How they lack the discipline to meet long term goals (could be seen as depression). How the manipulation and guilt they use go hand in hand and how anyone that loves them must be even stronger in setting limits. If you love someone with this entitlement issue, you must have some type of leverage in order to help them to change, because they do not respond to your expressions of hurt and pain. That is what I waisted so much of my time doing with Michael. I thought if I just constantly explained how much he was hurting me and stayed and showed him what he was doing was wrong, he would wake up one day and get it.......that isn't how it works. They only understand LIMITS. You must be prepared to follow through on ALL of your limits! If you continue to leave your dirty laundry on the floor, I will not do your laundry. If you continue to yell at me, I will not engage in a conversation with you. If you refuse to see your pdoc or seek treatment, I will end this relationship. Your love may ultimately be the most effective leverage for someone with entitlement issues, but that my not even be enough.

Anyway, I am reading some great books and I am so interested in the psychology of it all! I could go on forever.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate your ear! (((HUGS, HUGS, HUGS))) TO YOU!!!
 
Casem
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/14/2008 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm always here to listen, as is everyone else here at HW too. I knew you would get to the place were you FINALLY really saw what was REALLY going on. I just didn't know how long or how much damage to yourself you were going to allow before you did. I am SO glad to see you got there sooner, than later. SMART GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have SUCH a wonderful future ahead of you, and so much you can give to others. BTW...Happy V-Day. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

I will take all the wonderful thoughts you have to send. I could use positive thoughts in the universe for me and mine....Sunshine....LFW

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 2/14/2008 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so glad you are doing what is right for you and you feel good about it.  And please...feel free to recommend the books,  I do not think that is advertising, just a suggestion  :)
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/17/2008 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Casem,

It's so delightful to read about how well you're doing. You're absolutely welcome to post the titles and authors of books you've read. We just don't allow anything you have a vested interest in. But if you've found something helpful, please do share it.

congratulations,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/18/2008 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
hi lfw,
you wrote so well!!
katy
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert

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