Welcome to healingwell.
I would like to make some comments regarding your post. First, you said your wife was diagnosed 6 wks ago, if I am correct. Was that by a psychiatrist and has she been put on any medications?
Medications can take a while to take effect and usually always need lots of tinkering with the correct meds and dosage amounts, so hopefully you will help to encourage her to keep all of her doctor appointments and keep the doctor informed of any changes.
Also most medications have some side effects. Some may have an affect on our libido. So don't take offense so quickly.
Dealing with bipolar takes lots of effort & tolerance. You need to learn w/your wife as much as you can about this illness. Try to stay involved with her doctor appointments because when learning about bipolar you will find that the patient has a different aspect as how they see themselves/are dealing with things in their life compared to what others see, especially partners and family. So if you can go with her to her appointments that would be wise and very helpful/supportive. A good psychiatrist would encourage that too.
Most people with bipolar also incorporate the help of a therapist to deal with issues of learning to live/deal with issues that come up along the way. When unstable, people who have bipolar can become very irritable and say a lot of things that they really don't mean. You may also want to work with one for yourself as well. You certainly want to support her, and you have children that you need to look out for. She is unstable right now but you and her need to communicate that her being abusive verbally & physically to you (no matter how minor) will not be tolerated. Again, most therapists would encourage your involvement with coming to the appointments from time to time when needed.
Like I said, there is a lot to learn. But willing to be supportive is the first step. Hopefully she will understand that she needs to take this seriously and needs to be proactive in her wellness plan. Knowledge, keeping all doctor appts., getting involved with a therapist and working with you.
I hope this has helped some. Please continue to post any of your concerns. Others will chime in too, just be patient.
Bipolar IIIt is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 2/13/2008 3:35:09 PM (GMT-7)
Lost and Confused,
My husband acts sexually the way your wife is acting alot. He will say he wants passion like he had when two people first meet each other. Well, that's not going to happen after over 20 years of marriage. Usually my talking to him sensibly allows him to see this but it doesn't mean he won't feel the same way again in a week or so. I've notice when he gets in the mania states, his sexual prowess increases. It really is aggravating to me. But just in general he is constantly commenting on other women, how they look, how big their whatever is,,,,etc. How much the women who looked at him this morning is crazy about him and so forth. Alot or most of that is about his own need to feed his ego. It's a self esteem problem that his has. I let most of what he says go in one ear and out the other where sex is concerned. He acts like a 16 year old where sex is concerned most of the time anyway.
But I know that he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me deep down. I stabilize his life and sort of his safety net. He use to be verbally abusive, alot of passive aggressive behavior. I confronted him like LWF did with her husband and told him that he couldn't talk to me that way and I would leave him if he continued. That I wasn't living with someone who put me down or thought he could cuss me etc. He stopped.
I also figured out that he likes to get us into arguments. I think it feeds his need for adrenaline. I started responding to whatever he says with quick answers instead of trying to figure out what I'm going to say back to him. I really listen to what he saying and answer with something like, that's not true or that's not my fault, or just ok. I no longer try to tell him why it's not true or why it's not my fault, etc because that gives him something to twist or exaggerate or get confused, etc so he can turn it into an argument. I have to say we argue alot less and I have really been able to see what is really going on in his head. And I don't like most of it unfortunately but it has brought some peace. But I still can't really discuss anything important with him. It stresses him out and he often just bails out on me. And that doesn't make for a healthy marriage and if you read my other thread, I seriously considering leaving my marriage.
I sure hope you find some good answers. Maybe some of this will help you.......I hope so.
It seems like some women will stay and put up with the behavior. But it is just so stressful for me. I didn't know for years what the problem was, I just knew I wasn't happy with how dh handled our business situations. I only found out what the root cause was here about 3 years ago. It's better that we aren't arguing as much but he is just determined that he won't get a real job and will only work for himself. He hasn't been able to be consistent in getting a business started and I know that I'm not getting what I need out of life as long as I remain with him. I love my husband and he can be so fun to be around. But fun doesn't pay the bills.
I've seen alot of spouses leave after trying to work with their bipolar spouses going the whole route of getting medications and seeing therapists and such. I know a good many that have stayed but I don't know of but one or two that seem to be content after going through all of it. So I just don't see a rainbow at the end of all of this. These spouses that are not medicated only get worse with age. It is just scary to think what old age will be with dh too.
Post Edited (serafena) : 2/18/2008 8:49:58 AM (GMT-7)
Your wife needs you much more than she is admitting to you and more than she probably even knows herself. My dh use to call me numerous times a day too. Mine has had alot of these sexual needs too and still does to an extent but most of it I have found over the years is more in his head than something he will actually do especially since I have been more bold about what I will accept from him.
I found out that alot of his verbal abuse was stemming from passive agressive behavior that he learned probably when he was young to throw the attention off of himself. He would try to blame me for everything. I stopped responding to him and started listening to him. I really started to see how his mind and actions worked. I learned alot from Dr. Irene's website who is a professional that gives alot of free advice and information on her website. If you go there, don't get thrown off by her cat pictures, she provids alot of good information on how to deal with an abusive spouse or partner.
Things changed around here when I had really had enough of his behavior and suggested one day that we split up and that he could date other women and probably be alot happier than being married to me. I saw the excitement in him to start with and then it changed to his becoming very anxious and worried and then to anger. He knew that I was serious and it wasn't a bluff on my end. I was ready to split. He made a big turn around and started trying alot harder to make me happy. Things around here are better but I'm still not that happy.
Now when he starts bringing up seeing other women, I tell him real quick that he had better watch what he does and says to me because our marriage still isn't strong enough to weather more crap like that. He backs off. I think as long as I let him walk all over me ....he did. Now that I found out that he really doesn't want to lose me, I have alot more control.
I would really recommend going to Dr. Irene's site and read her information, it will probably help you alot.
There's the link for you.
Post Edited (Dasa) : 2/19/2008 11:54:37 AM (GMT-7)
Post Edited (Dasa) : 2/21/2008 11:10:27 AM (GMT-7)