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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 2/15/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so distraught over this.  I have obsessions of loosing it and going crazy like this guy (i've never wanted to harm anyone in my life). 
What makes this seemingly normal, bright student different than me?
Should I be taking meds, and can I even stop now that I'm on them.
I'm about to add prozac to my depakote...I'm so scared
What do you all think? 

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 2/15/2008 10:13 PM (GMT -6)   
I see that you are scared, and I want you to calm down. You are obviously different than this guy because you are talking about your obsession. Talking about your feelings/thoughts is a step in the right direction.

Also, it sounds like with your meds, you're wanting to be as careful as possible. You get a high-five from me! Do you want to talk to a professional concerning your fears about med change and your thinking you could be like this guy?

Last, I want you to stop watching the news reels concerning this tragedy, it is affecting you horribly.
I after days/weeks of watching 9/11 footage I had to quit watching it. I would just stare at the tv watching the same clips over and over. I got obsessed and would be short of breath and so on. When I, to this day, hear the sounds of the firemans alarms (meaning they are buried in rubble) it gives me that same feeling.

If you have a friend, therapist, or someone on here you can talk to (like an accountability partner), discuss your feelings and such with. You can specifically have that person do a daily or weekly check on you concerning the adding of the Prozac. Just to have another set of ears to bounce off your med ups/downs and concerns.

BIG cyber-hug just for you,

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 2/16/2008 10:17 AM (GMT -6)   
Learn to turn off the news and do something more positive. Read a book ,listen to music, take a walk, call a friend and go have a meal. get in touch with the reality of your life. You are NOT going to go off the deep end and do anything unusual. That's why these people get on TV...because these incidents are very rare. People have been killed since the beginnig of time by other people...we just didn't have 24 hour news to let us know about it--over and over and over.

One of the best ways to take your mind off of this kind of stuff is to do something for other people. I am a teacher, and by the time I meet all the kids needs for the day I am too tired to worry about much else. I also have three teens of my own to follow around and check on. Plus two dogs and a cat that need petting. And of course, bills to pay and a lonely mother-in-law. Sure, I feel terrible about bad news but I don't have much time to dwell on it.

Think about spreading goodness in your corner of the world..that's a good start to fighting the bad out there.

Many hugs:)

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 2/16/2008 1:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm a grad student and I typically have been working 12 hour days (at a farm, office, and in classes) and I work sometimes 36 hour weekends at the farm.  I think its wrong to think I've chosen to sit around and think about this.  You can't control the thoughts that come when the day is through, and thought control doesn't work anyway.  I'm trying to wrap my head around it that's all.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/16/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Marthamae and nev, I completely agree with you, and something has apparently just struck a nerve with you, sophie. But you're okay. I would definitely take this to my therapist, if you've got one, or someone similar who you trust, if for no other reason than to have someone talk it through with you -- someone who knows you and can explain to you what the medication is likely to do for you (and unlikely to do). It's extremely unlikely to trigger a rampage. Think of the sheer volume of people on prozac in this country. I joke they should just put it in the water supply.

Don't judge yourself harshly. There's some grieving you're doing in there for those people who were shot. That's not wrong. But your obsession is excessive and making you unhappy, so try to find ways to break free of it.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/16/2008 3:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Sophie, Clearly your thoughts scared you. I respect that you are stepping forward to try and sort through it all. PLEASE take the advise of those who have already shared and take the next step in sharing with some professionals around you, who are there to help you as part of your team of wellness. If by chance you don't actually have a team, turn to a trusted friend or family member and ask for help to sort through it. Ask that they help you find a good therapist. There is NO reason for you to be afraid of your own thoughts. That must feel awful, I am sorry you are going through that.

I know in many ways this is an anonymous board, but we are a caring - sharing - supportive place. But with ALL our good intentions, it really sounds to me that you need a more personal approach in addition to what we can give to you. I encourage you to keep sharing here...BUT...DON"T STOP THERE.... Now, if you have that "team"...then make sure you are sharing your fears and thoughts with your pdoc and therapist. Your ability to tell the truth to at least THEM is critical to your being a well balanced healthy individual - BP or not. If you do paint a "rosy" picture, then you would hamper their ability to help you. I am SURE this is information you already know inside yourself, but sometimes it helps to hear it from another.

You have taken a great step forward by coming here and sharing. Be proud of yourself for that. Your work and school schedule sounds grueling. Make sure you are getting PLENTY of rest time, or that could be counter productive to your wellness overall. If I sound like a mother, it is because I am. Take time to breathe in your day, and try to surround yourself with as much love as you can....even from yourself. I know you are scared of the meds, but they are there to help you....WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR PDOC....He is there to help you. If you don't like him...FIND ANOTHER...but don't stop your meds without their guidance...stick with it. These thoughts can get under control with proper help. I am sending you positive thoughts for you to make good choices....LFW

Django Hendrix
Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 2/19/2008 12:37 AM (GMT -6)   
It's probably not as uncommon as you think for grad students to "think they are going to lose it". You've probably been spending too much time in the stacks thinking about thinking that you feel like you are going to blow your own stack. Throw in bi-polar on top of that (another diagnosis that is probably not all that uncommon among grad students) and I can see how you might feel overwhelmed. You are obviously a very intelligent and sensitive person who wants answers to big questions. I would suggest taking a break, if you can, and just trying to find someway to turn it off. Just throw all of the self-analysis out the window and accept that you might not find the answers. As others suggested, do something else. Take a long walk, meditate. There is a growing body of research that shows that there is tremendous healing power in meditation for people who are bipolar. I wrote some notes down on the subject of meditation and bipolar from an academic journal, and if I can find them, I'll post.

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