ABUSIVE BP SPOUSE WRECKING MY HEALTH

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katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/18/2008 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
My spouse is so abusive and calls me bad bad names ,when he doesnt get what he wants or when he is angry or cranky with me .Thats humiliating .I love him but how to stop emotional abuse,walking out on him is not easy as i love him and he knows this fact,But i wonder if he actually even loves me .How can i make him understand without annoying him as he says you made me do that?wont grow up and take responsibility. He gives me so much hassles in everyday life i have started to get anxiety and panic attacks.
confused mad mad
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert

Post Edited (katy_33) : 2/18/2008 12:03:54 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/18/2008 12:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy,

There's no NO no excuse for him verbally abusing you. It's absolutely time you put your foot down and put a stop to it. Insist that he talk to you respectfully or you will walk away and FOLLOW THROUGH. Try and understand this one fact: The BP is not causing this. It may be making it worse but he would most likely treat you this way anyway. So no guilt. You're the only one who can stick up for yourself. If you feel scared he'll hit you or something worse, get out of there and go somewhere safe -- your parents, a friends house, a safe house. But it's time for a serious evaluation of how much you can love a man who doesn't treat you with respect and gentleness.

I'm so sorry.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 2/18/2008 12:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Katy,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Serafena is absolutely right. Only you can put a stop to this. You need to speak up, put your foot down and let him know that you will not accept his behavior of verbally abusing you any longer or you will leave. If he does it again, stand on your words and follow through. Nobody deserves that! And just like serafena said, the bipolar is not causing this, he has an issue that he needs to deal with for treating you this way!

Good Luck.


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/18/2008 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy,
I am so sorry! There are too many people out there in this world for you to be with someone that would treat you with disrespect, anger, and humiliation. Find the love for yourself and walk away from an abusive relationship. I know its hard....I know you feel love for him, and I know parts of it feel comfortable and secure. I think the best thing you can do is find a great therapist and try to understand what's going on with you....maybe why you are in this relationship....to make sure you don't ever end up in this situation again.

You deserve happiness and good health! I am so sorry you are hurting!
Good Luck!
 
Casem
 


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/18/2008 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
casem ,
My life is living hell ,i always thought i am patient and loving,relationship is made of love and fight(small or severe),and i can handle it,but i never knew if guy who comes in my life cant handle it ,,then what??He thinks fight=run off and avoid situation.If he talks =only abuse when upset.

Morever i think he is cheating on me.

its very tough
katy
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/18/2008 1:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy, I am known as a direct and honest person here at HW. So, as a BP spouse I am going to share my thoughts with you. My hope is you will not be offended, as it is ONLY meant with the best of intentions on my part. I hope you can receive it that way.

I have seen your postings, and I have seen your responses to other posts and one thing keeps jumping out at me...while you have all these questions and you are clearly in a sad situation, when others have given you input, you seem to either ignore that input (which is certainly your right to do), or you snap back in some way trying to justify how you think they are wrong, or placing conditions on thier love for another. When others share with you that what they have learned, what they KNOW to be true, or their experiences....you seem offended as it doesn't fit with what you seem to want to hear. I am not sure other than to listen to you, what you are hoping to gain here given this.

Both spouses and BP's are sharing with you that BP or not, abuse is unacceptable whether it be verbal or physical. That the only way to stop it is to create boundaries you will keep that make it clear to your partner you will not stand for such behavior from him towards you. That these boundaries are loving both for him and you. That his abuse of you is NOT solely a BP issue. That BP may exacerbate it, but there are CLEARLY other issue going on with an abusive person in their personality. That a BP spouse has hard decisions to make about their own lives (which like a BP is responsible for their lives BP OR NOT, SO TOO is a BP spouse about themselves), and what they do and don't want for themselves as a life. THAT LOVE that is deep, true and unconditional can exist while still not accepting being hurt by the other person - and in some cases choosing not to stay in the situation.

All your posts talk about your situation being abusive, yet all you keep saying is you love him and can't get him to understand the pain he is causing you. My dear....time to take some responsibility in you allowing him to be abusing you if you won't stand up for yourself. Like Serafena said, if you are in fear for your safety...GET HELP...GET OUT. There are shelters for women in these situations. ALL the information about abused women says that the most successful situations happen because the women thought their exit through, and made a plan. SO...make a plan if you are in this situation, and use the resources around you.

The fact is that YOU are responsible for your own happiness, not your BP spouse. You are responsible to show people how to treat you, and if you allow for the kind of abuse you are talking about...then that is the lesson you are teaching your BP spouse about what is acceptable with you. I am NOT saying standing up for yourself, and setting limits, is EASY in any way, shape or form. It is VERY hard to do....VERY. But it IS necessary if you have ANY hope of making a relationship work with a BP. Ask ANY BP or spouse and they will confirm this fact. Unless you are working in a team with your partner with their condition....you are in for pain and sorrow and a rough ride.

Katy, it is clearly time for you to love yourself as much, and take as good care of yourself - as you have tried to take of him. Clearly you are loving him more than yourself right now, and you deserve at least EQUAL from yourself - for you...don't you think? Many on these boards have been through a lot in their lives, and what they share is from the heart in the hopes that others can learn from them, or see that they are not alone in their feelings, or there is strength and lessons to be learned by opening up and sharing with others. I hope you start finding that to be true for yourself. I think you have to start opening yourself up for other points of view, and perhaps in that you will find strength, guidance and hope.

I hope you have received my thoughts with the "best of intentions" that they are meant. I wish you nothing but the best in your choices that will lead you to the life I am sure you deserve and desire. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 2/18/2008 1:52:14 PM (GMT-7)


katy_33
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 147
   Posted 2/18/2008 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi LFW,
I would not join HW if i had to ignore all of wonderful people here.YOU have misunderstood me on this,i am very open minded and forthright person like you dealing with tough issues,i have not snapped back at any one ,was just trying to ask a question but seems to have offended you i wonder why?

I am here to get suggestions,opinions ,support all the wonderful people here but the problem is i am going through a very critical stage in my life.If getting out of abuse was so easy and forthright,we women dint have to gather strength to do it.

Thanks for your support.
katy

sad
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.
Gustave Flaubert


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 2/18/2008 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy
I was like you...I assumed, if you love someone, you stay through the good and the bad, no matter what!..... I was taught through my religion and my upbringing....but they didn't teach me the RIGHT message that should have followed that rule.....the good and the bad WHEN you and the other person have a solid foundation of mutual understanding, respect, and wellness for yourself and eachother. The good and the bad when you are both committed to loving yourself enough that you don't NEED the other person to complete you, you WANT to be with the other person because they are a loving, giving person. It may seem normal to you, to live in a chaotic relationship, but you don't have to live that way.

If you don't think of yourself, or put yourself first, no one else will. We are all here for you, please try to learn from our experiences.....find strength in our words.....get yourself in a safe place.......
 
Casem
 


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 2/18/2008 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
There are such things as deal breakers, and abuse is a deal breaker in relationships.
Forum Moderator 
We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants) 
Make sure your suffering has meaning...


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 2/19/2008 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy, I am glad to hear that you are open and seeking support and eager to learn here. That is what we all come here for. I hoped that by sharing with you what I was seeing in your posts and responses, it would hlep you see that the starting point has to come from yourself. It is no longer about your partner. Abuse is abuse, and if you don't stand up to it, you are then allowing it and in some ways saying you accept it. Perhaps a great place for you to start would be to ask for suggestions about things others have done to communicate with the BP the various boundaries/limits...etc.? Perhaps then you will have a starting place for yourself to end this cycle you are in? But again, I say, if you are in physical danger...make a plan for yourself, get help and get out.

I know for me that when trying to talk with my spouse isn't working, taking the time to write a note to him where I can calmly, but firmly, express what has been hurtful to me, what I will no longer tolerate, what I will and won't accept any longer...etc., it has been helpful. Then I can take the time to ensure that I am communicating clearly "I" messages of what I will and won't tolerate, verses "YOU" messages of blame. Then he writes me back and has his say. Sometimes this allows us to hear each other better. Maybe this could assist you? LFW

Django Hendrix
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 2/19/2008 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you serefena for making it known that *BP is not causing this*. If a person is hurt by someone and they don't understand why, they want to attach a label to it, often they call it a "mental illness". Like the old saying "he needs to be on medication". I don't know your situation. It is hard to understand something when text is all we have to go by.

enoughalready
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 2/20/2008 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Katy_33
 
My only recommendation would be to both get some marriage counseling making sure the counselor has knowledge in mental disorders.  I hope all works out for you and he.  It can be really tough if you love him and still are getting anxiety and panic for his treatment of you.  Maybe you could go on a short trip to show him what it would be like without you around.  I am a firm believer that it takes two to tangle.
 
Enoughalready
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