roommate trouble

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nev
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 3/4/2008 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
So I'm helping my bp friend get a roommate, renting a room, apartment-whatever works.  Many roommates have not worked out so far.  Any helpful stories/insight.
 
She isn't able to hold a job, gets SSDI, so the funds aren't there for own apt.
I am a friend who receives her check as 'payee' inorder to ensure funds are used for housing, clothing, food etc.  
Also my friend doesn't sleep normal hours, changes meds on own, etc.
So that's just a bit of background.
 
Any comments or helpful advice?
 
thanks,
nev

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/4/2008 7:59 PM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like she needs some level of supervised housing. There are places that are designed for housing assistance for disabled, or people with "special needs". She may be able to get a studio apartment in a place with a like "den mother" to help with med regulation and such. Their are even houses where you rent just a room in it for group living. I hear they are very supportive places. Good luck to you. LFW

sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 3/4/2008 11:33 PM (GMT -7)   

Nev,

What a wonderful friend you are to be helping out so much. It is a lot of work and responsibility.

I just wanted to let you know that I completely agree with LFW suggestions. It would be a much healthier environment for her and a huge stress release for you knowing that she is being well taken care of.

Best of Luck to you.


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/5/2008 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow Nev,

What a huge responsibility for you to take on. That's an incredibly generous thing to do. Nonetheless, I agree with the others that she isn't 100% capable of living on her own and maybe she would do better in a supervised living situation. Or, because regular roommates are going to be hard to keep around, what about someone else with health issues, someone else bipolar, etc. You could leave your name at the psych's office for referrals to possible roommates. I dont' know if they would do that, it's worth a try.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/5/2008 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Nev, Hello, I am Kitt and I agree, you are the kind of firend most people would be blessed to have in their lives.

I have a friend that lived in a half way home and actually it was a house broke up into apartments and each woman had their own bedroom and shared the living area.  My friend was happy there as other people she could  identify with lived with her.

She fianlly became well enough to have her own apartment with SW checking on her several times a week and getting her to her appointments.

She liked her freedom at frst but deteriorated and would become very depressed as she was lonely and would hide out in bed all day.  She did not want an apartment to share and actually talked of going back to the more supervised living as it was less stressful.

I hope you can help your friend find a good match for her.

Bless you
Kitt


 
Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
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nev
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 3/6/2008 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks guys, this is what has been known for a long time. She needs to be in a group setting. She has been several times and always leaves. I only wish I could find a person is like or understands her condition and willing to give her space.

I do have an ad on a roommate search, being upfront about the bp, because she is always upfront.
I actually received a reply for a female roommate who has a bp mother and grandmother, but wants to know that meds are taken regularly, and a couple other typical things when dealing w/ bp. So I have to be honest with the woman. Cause my friend is in denial and will say she is stable and the whole nine yards.

My friend just got in a cheap apartment, 2 days later she wants to get out, after paying practically the whole months check for rent and deposit. So she's stuck there until the end of March. But when April 1st comes, then what???

Most group homes won't take her cause she's tried most of them around here. It's a mess, really.

I want my friend to succeed, but in reality, I see her being committed to a long term care center or State facility. She doesn't accept her schitzoaffective diagnosis, and only claims the BP. Refuses to take 3 out of the 4 meds Rxed to her.

Anyway I was just typing to get it out of my head for now, thanks for listening guys.

Any other comments are welcome, I'm always worried there's something I missed.

-nev

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/6/2008 3:39 PM (GMT -7)   
You are being very kind to help your friend, and if you know a long term care facility is where she belongs, you do her no favors by not helping her get there. If she is there, they may be able to get her meds stable and she will finally see the difference, and THEN will be ready for a group setting. Sadly, without people being strong enough to do what is right for people in this state. Many end up on the street over time. I wish you both all the best. LFW

nev
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 3/7/2008 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks LFW, my friend is way past what you describe. She has been on the street, many times. So much that almost all the shelters in our LARGE metro area won't have her back.

Also she has been an inpatient so many times, gotten stable, won't tell docs about her symptoms, pretends she is GREAT. Then gets out and quits or self-medicates, changing doses and taking when it feels right or she remembers.

My friend has WAY worn out her welcome with her family. She is extremely promiscuous (sp?), therefore has 3 kids, being taken care of in 3 different houses. Yet believes that getting pregnant again would be a good idea and this time would be different.

I hadn't seen my friend for atleast 10 yrs, and found her 2-3 yrs ago walking on a cold rainy road, quite disoriented. Just this past October I was asked to be her payee, and let her stay with us for one month to find new housing. At that time I concluded that my friend could not take care of herself, make decisions etc. I relayed this to friends mother and the caseworker, telling them I would be willing to help/testify for her to be committed or whatever was deemed best.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

LFW-I believe in TOUGH love, as that is what my friend needs. How far should I take this?
The only way I see, bacause the 'Authorized' people have not stepped up, is to turn over
her money to her and let her fall flat on her face. Literally that is the only way she will go
out, unwillingly.


LFW-I do eagerly await your candid response.

thanks,
nev

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/7/2008 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay...you want candid...here goes. I would do one of three things here.

1- I would go to the family and ask if one of them wants to step up and as a relative have her declared incompetent officially in the courts. They will then appoint them the person to make decisions on her behalf (or someone else). Then that person should have her committed to a long term care facility. She can not leave then until the "guardian" would approve it, or the doctors deem her well enough (although it can also be requested that it has to pass state court review to ever release her to protect her from manipulating the system)...but given the history...she can be long term/permanently committed that way. Even if it is not in your immediate area. The courts can help select the right facility for her...and you can get it court ordered this way as well.

As an example on this, when the courts ordered my brother many years ago to a facility (it was that or jail...all the courts were fed up with him), he was sent within our state, to a place up in the mountains. It was the best thing for him. At first he fought it, then he felt safe by it and didn't want to leave it. It's where he finally got REALLY clean, clear and aware of how sick he REALLY was. He realized what he needed, whether he liked it or not, so when he had to leave the program he knew he needed to go to a permanent group home setting or he would spend his life out of control. He stayed there until he passed away from his heart giving out after so many years of drug and alcohol abuse at the age of 40.

2. I would go to the court myself and ask them to declare her incompetent and then have her committed, and make it court mandated, or ask that you be appointed her guardian after she is declared incompetent...and then YOU commit her with no ability to be released without a panel of experts and your approval.

3. Say you love her, but as she refuses (or is incapable) of improving this situation with your help, you are having to release her and wish her well. The checks will come to her and from there it is up to her - come what may. She will seek help, and embrace it and REALLY change....or she will not. Her life will be whatever it is.

I know facing these situations is very hard. And when they are not your family...they are even harder. It is extraordinarily kind of you to want to help your friend. But sadly, from what you have shared...these are your only options unless you want your life consumed and overtaken by her and her problems. I wish you both nothing but the best, but realize no matter how this plays out for you both...there are tears and sadness in the future regardless of which option may be followed....but on the other side of "that" - in time there can be peace for you both. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 3/7/2008 4:51:31 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/7/2008 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Nev,

What an incredible situation. Let me just reiterate my sympathy and support.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


nev
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 3/7/2008 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you both

nev
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