I can relate to how you're feeling about living with this illness. Just last week I was crying, saying aloud, "I don't want to be bipolar anymore". I feel that it's all so hopeless sometimes. And I also feel that it's not fair, and that I don't want to suffer with this my whole life.
I send you a big (((((((hug))))))) for all the pain you are feeling. I really encourage you to seek some support. I understand that you don't want to go to the hospital; I don't like it there either. You should give yourself so much credit for wanting to recover; and I believe you can do that at home as long as you have the support you need. It is important to take your meds so that you don't crash so hard like you said. Crashing puts us in such a bad place.
I hope that you keep in touch with us here. Sometimes writing can really help with the depression. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Do the little things; eat, rest and if you can, pamper yourself. You deserve it.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 200 mg/day