Thanks guys. If I could just stop cycling so much with my moods, I would be all set. It's really exhausting.
Thank you all for your responses. It means so much to me that you're all behind me and so proud of me.
I'm having a very hard time tonight. It was a very long day for me at school, after school etc. And I am feeling very on edge. I am crashing hard, and I'm scared. I just tried talking to my bf about how I'm not well, and it went awful. It's been ages since I have even mentioned anything about my bp (I know I said we're communicating better--but that is just about other things, not my bp). I've basically stopped bringing that up completely over the last several months; as long as I don't talk about how I'm feeling, then we're okay. The minute I started talking about how overwhelmed I am, and how it's bringing out these horrible symptoms, he looked like he was falling asleep, or that he hated every minute of listenting to me. It feels horrible. It makes me wonder.
I haven't felt this way in a long time. I've just been shutting off my symptoms when I'm around him and I know that's not good, but it's worked so far. Until now. I've been so stressed for the last couple of weeks, and I can only keep my bp under control around him for so long. It's so awful. I have to keep it under control at school, and here at home. So basically I am not letting anything get out. I started to cry this afternoon when I was alone in the house, and I thought, just let it go...it's okay. Then the phone rang. I didn't even get to have my little meltdown. Now, I am extremely irritable and upset. I've already taken a Clonazepam to try and calm down, but I honestly just want someone to hug me and comfort me.
That is what I need. But that is not what I am going to get. The old familiar feeling when I'm depressed; I feel like he is completely resenting me right now. I found out where I am going for my internship after school today--a clinic w/3 doctors--which is great--My bf said to me "I'm sorry you can't enjoy this news..." and it felt like such a bad comment towards me. It felt like he was implying that I should just be happy. I wish he could understand how awful these symptoms are. Trouble is, I know he doesn't look at them as "symptoms"--at all.
Ugh. Sorry you guys for ranting, but I really needed to. And I don't think I'm done. So I will try to journal tonight and maybe call distress.
Thanks for reading,
Oh mogli...I feel your pain. It is so hard to really get through to some people about how bad bp symptoms can actually be. I too at times feel overwhelmed to the point that I know if my husband would just hug me and tell me things will be ok....I would feel better. But he too does not get too involved with my symptoms, he just wants to make sure I am following therapy as far as getting myself back on track when I waiver off.
Just know that there are a lot of people who understand what you are going through. You are not alone. I would give you a hug if I could. Just keep your head up and be proud of yourself. You deserve some self praise....celebrate somehow.
I'm sorry to hear how you have been feeling. Everything is happening so fast around you and it's hard not to be anxious & stressed. I see it has hit you big time right now.
IMO I too haven't heard how the remark was said by your bf but to me, the way it was worded sounded like he did understand what you were going through and how you felt and showed that by stating he was sorry that you were not able to be happy about the news. But that is only my opinion.
I agree with serafena. Are you sure you are not reading more into his reactions than what is really there? I know we hold a lot of guilt with dealing with our BP. My husband is totally there for me, in his way. The rest I get from my therapist. Are you currently seeing a therapist? You really need someone that you can totally open up too. It is not healthy to walk around holding everything in and acting in a way that you think people expect you to act.
My husband use to say to me in my early diagnosis that he felt like his hands were tied and didn't know what he could do for me when I was going through stressful/depressed/manic episodes. He didn't know how to be there for me. But he learned along the way by me sitting him down and sharing things with him and telling him what it was that I needed. He also invested time in coming to my therapy appointments at times to understand things and what I was going through in more detail.
I hope you are able to open up more or schedule a therapy appointment asap. You really need someone to be one on one with you during times like this.
We are also here for you. (((Hugs)))
I've been concerned for you? How have the last few days been going for you? Are you ok?
Is there anything else that we can help you with? We are here for you! ((((HUGS))))
So...I've been pretty busy the last couple of days. My bf was away for a couple of days for a hockey tournament; my Mom came over to spend a night with me. She left yesterday. We had a really nice time. Did some shopping with her yesterday, then my bf got home--we really missed each other. It was so good to have him back home. It felt so good; it was great to feel so missed.
Thank you all again so much for posting your thoughts to what happened this week. Like I said before, you've given me so much to think about. Warren--what you said has stuck with me; it's always so good to hear from you. I hope you are well. Sukay, LFW & serafena, your words affected me as well. Basically from everything all of you posted, I've come to this conclusion...
My bf loves me so much. I somehow get wrapped up in being upset with him (because in those moments, I feel he's "wrong") and forget just how much he loves me and cares for my well being and how I'm feeling. But he's only human. And being a bp partner isn't easy. That is something I also forget in these moments. Once I come to my senses, I realize that it's not easy for him. I want to however, remember that sooner so things don't escalate the way they do sometimes. I'm not perfect either and realize that I won't acknowledge his feelings right away all the time. I simply want to try and do better with it. My support worker said to me in my last session that maybe I need to lower my expectations (of my bf). She was referring to our relationship as a whole; not just the bp complications. But with that, and all you have said, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Something else that you all pointed out, was that I can find support in other outlets; therapy. Once I get a job, I hope to have counselling made available to me again. The support I have now is the counsellor at the abuse center (for the yelling that happens in the fights my bf and I have)...so that counsellor isn't helpful with my bp at all. But I am gaining some insight and tools to help deal with the emotional tangles for that issue between me and my bf. My support person is great, but it's not really therapy for my bp.
So, the therapy will come again. Just have to wait until I am working again. That will be about a month away at least.
I am going to try and use my journal, HW, and maybe support group that meets in my city once a month--and I think that will help me with the support I am needing right now. It's just open to everyone, for whenever they want to come. It's available at night, so even with my externship and once I start working. And LFW, I am going to ask my bf to hug me the next time I am feeling irritable or overwhlemed. Instead of getting all worked up, and upset with him.
Thanks again, thanks for the hugs, much needed. I am thinking of all of you. I hope you are well today.
mogli, it sounds like you have done some terrific soul searching and self therapy. It will be great for you to get back into a therapy more geared toward your bp, but alot of the coping advise you have gotten seems to fit as well in most relationship situations. As a fellow bp sufferer, I do understand how hard it can be at times to remind ourselves of the love others do feel for us, as our self esteem is not always the best. But you are right...it is important to remember that, and to work at making our self worth a constant "fact" in our lives...then things may not escalate due to misconceptions and misinterpretations.
Just remember you are loved, and you are doing great.
Thank you both for the love, and support. Serafena, strange that you used the word "normal" b/c that's what I've kinda been think'n too. Relationships aren't perfect happiness all the time. While yelling is something we want to change, having disagreements, having times where we're both overhwelmed, frustrated--is normal. So thank you for that thought.
Anyway, love to all of you as well.