confused/going crazy.

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bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 3/31/2008 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay so growing up i always had a really hard time with everything. my parents divorced when i was just a couple months old and i never really had any friends.... until i was in about 5th grade but anyway both my mom and dad were really abusive... i once had to live in a homeless shelter for kids for abotu a year at age sixteen due to the abuse and thats when i was dignosed with major depression... pts... and then bipolar I.
i was on quite a few different meds for a while.... i took lexapro... abilify... lamictal and others .... lamictal was the last one i took and i broke out in the rash my mood swings were getting wrose and i never went back to my doctor again i stopped the medicine on my own and havent taken anything in over 6 months for a while i felt great i was happy and i thought maybe i had gotten over my mood swings until about two months ago i went into a major depression crisis and now i just i feel so angry yet sad all the time and i dont know if i want to hurt my self or others or if i just want to scream... but id really like to talk to people
 
ps i'm eighteen now... but i didnt finish my story but i have to get to class i'll be back on later...

spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I

Post Edited (spittinpcebby) : 4/1/2008 12:03:29 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
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Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/31/2008 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Spittinpcebby,

Glad you found us. Sounds like you could use a community of people in the same state of mind as you. Well, I doubt we can all claim such a background. I'm sorry for you horrid childhood -- sounds just awful. But depression we know around here.

I'm not sure you want to hear this but my instinct is to say give the doc another shot. Try a different doctor. Depressions left untreated tend to get worse, not better. If you give the doc a list of what you've tried I'm sure there's something else. I know it's tedious -- believe me, I really know -- but that's my first reply.

How's school going with the depression?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


sukay
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 3/31/2008 7:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome spittinpcebby,
 
I'm glad that you've found us. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.
 
I'm really sorry to hear all that you have gone through. You've obviously had such a harsh childhood. Things are still rough for you.
 
The only suggestion I have for you is that you get yourself back to a phychiatrist and get re-evaluated for your meds. If you were diagnosed as having BP, you don't have to suffer needlessly. Get back on the medications that you need to help you get back on the right track. There are a lot of different medications to try so don't give up.
 
You should also ask your phychiatrist for a refferral to a therapist to talk about your past issues and to help you through your current ones. Most people with BP incorporate the help of a therapist into their wellness program. I have and it has helped me tremendously.
 
I hope this is a start.

~sukay~
Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
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Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/31/2008 9:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Spit...I am going to speak like a mom for a minute...as I am one. You have had a tragic upbringing that you will need to consciously work to move beyond with help from professionals - my heart breaks to hear you have had such a sad start in life. Now, what I want you to know is that I have a teenage son with BP, and what I can tell you is that you NEED to take your medication to have a good life. NOW I know you took some already with negative results...BUT...that doesn't mean you were with the right pdoc, or that he had you on the right meds. Chances are, you were probably not. But that does not mean you should give up looking. Clearly you have a brave soul to have survived all you have, and to reach out to us here at HW. So....take some of that strength and find a NEW pdoc. Find a GOOD therapist...and begin your journey to wellness. You CAN and WILL overcome the depression....AND YOU WILL HURT NO ONE IN THE PROCESS...including yourself! There IS the right help out there for you. Go to the biggest university near you and ask which of the teaching psychiatrists specializes in BP and go talk to them, and or call around and ask various doctors and therapy centers for the name of THE BEST OF THE BEST, in therapists and pdoc's specializing in BP. What you will find is that several people will give you the same name as "the best". Start there and see if they are the BEST for you. If not...keep going until you find the "right one" for you. But at least that is the place to start.

Just taking action in the right direction will help you feel empowered to keep going. You will feel better knowing that you can trust yourself to do the following: tell the truth about what is really going on with you, admit you need help, and that you will not let yourself down and you will go get it what you need to be well. Just look...you reached out to us, you told the truth....and see...you are well on your way. GOOD FOR YOU. Your future is bright if you keep going in this direction. ALL good things. I am proud of you for finding us, for reaching out, and for telling the truth. You be proud of you to...okay! We are always here to try and help...LFW

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 3/31/2008 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Serafena

I know I need to give it another shot, i'm just really scared... and no one really understands what i'm going through around me... my friends just think i'm emotional and my mom hates me.... I just turned 18 so I can finally go see a doctor with out needing my mom's approval i plan on going soon but i'm just second guessing it... school gets really hard for me i'm an honor roll student working full time at a department store... but my teachers don't know anything about me and i don't want to tell them because i dont really want special treatment but everyday i just feel like giving up a little bit more and i kinda feel like the only reason i'm still okay is because i want to get better, i want to help other kids that go through what i'm going through... i need to help my self first though... you know?

I'm glad I found this site though I think talking to people that understand a little bit more might be really good for me.

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 3/31/2008 10:37 AM (GMT -7)   
sukay,

thank you for welcoming me. i have a social worker right now and i talk to her 3 hours a week she comes out to my house to see me when ever i'm avaliable... but i don't feel comfortable talking to her i dont feel like i can actually open up to her and after my last conversation with her i don't know if i want to talk to her ever again... she told me i should drop out of high school and work full-time to move out my mom's house and then just work on my ged once i'm settled... living with my mom is quite difficult she is orignally from korea and cant read or write and she has a gambling addiction but no matter how much she has hurt me in the past or continues to hrut me i need her in my life she is my mom and if it werent for the things she put me through i probably wouldnt want to become a social worker... i would never wish the abuse i've recieved on anyone else but i don't wish i had it any different... i've learned from her wrongs the right for my life...

i deffintily need to just try and find someone i trust and i can talk to openly about things.... i'm going to try to look but i am also the kind of person thats has a wall built so high up around em that i tend to not let people in and when i do once they get to close or start to care to much i push them away... i fear if i dont get rid of them soon they will soon take advantage of me and begin to abuse me... physically or emtionallly.

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 3/31/2008 10:41 AM (GMT -7)   
LFW

i want to thank you for every thing you said... i know everything youve told me is true and i tell my self similar things everyday... but i can never push my self to actually do it.... my friends and the people around me are always comign to me for advice and help and i always put them before my self its not healthy for me and the longer i put off helping myself the sooner i wont be cabable of helping others but i just havent foudn the strength in my self to actually help my self... i dont think i care enough to help my self...

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 3/31/2008 12:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Spit, Yes you are strong enough. You were stong enough to come on this site seeking support, you were strong enough to make honor role regardless of your home situation....YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH. Just take the first step and make a few calls, set up a few appointments and start the ball moving in the right direction. Then....ONE step at a time. As to that social worker for you....go to her boss and tell her what was said to you and demand a new worker on your case. That was unacceptable.

I know when times are tough that it is hard to put yourself first sometimes...or even on the board....as they say. But my dear...if you don't...who will????? So...take all your "feelings" and just get on with it....Do it anyway even if you don't FEEL like it at this moment. It doesn't matter if it just feels like going through the motions....you will still end up with movement in the right direction. SO....before writing me back...LOOK UP A MENTAL HEALTH CENTER...PICK UP THE PHONE...CALL and ask if anyone with their organization specializes in BP. If they do, ask if they take a sliding scale or whatever means of payment you have to give....if yes...MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SPEAK TO A THERAPIST...if not, ask for a referral to someone they can recommend. That at least gets the ball rolling again for you. Then write me back if you'd like. I'm here. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 3/31/2008 1:10:03 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 3/31/2008 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
One of the problems you've run into already is the mental health field is filled with well meaning people who maybe aren't that good at what they do. We've all got lousy doctor/therapist stories. I'm so sorry your social worker suggested you leave school. Don't leave school, it's crucial, and clearly important to you as well, and soon enough you can be off to college if you want. Instead, take LFW's advice and try to find someone you do feel you can trust, someone who is an advocate just for you. Most mental health centers have sliding pay scales, and if one you call doesn't, they can tell you which one in town does. Good luck.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 3/31/2008 8:52 PM (GMT -7)   

spit,

this response to your post is different from the other ones.  this post is called "tough love."  you see, i lived your life over half  a century ago.  i stayed with my abusive family because i thought that it was better than living on the street, taking drugs and dealing them, and/or becoming a male prostitute.  i was also determined to go to college and felt that i needed my birth family to help.  as it turns out, they didn't and i paid my own way through college by working up to six jobs at one time to pay my way. 

this was my reality.  i fought everything and everybody.  back then, there were no school counselors or social workers to help people like us.  we just made it on our own - or didn't.

i hurt so badly that i took mr. spok from star treck as my model.  all i had to do was to live without emotions.  i can tell you from my experience that tamping emotions down just leads to a volcanic explosion.  and i DID explode big time.

there were those who told me to "get a grip on myself."  you and i both know that such platitudes are less than meaningless.

any professional caregiver has as their first obligation to put themselves and their belief systems in suspended animation and to deal with the problems of their client in terms of the outcomes that the client wants.  if your social worker (a "professional") told you to quit school, get a ged, and support yourself, she missed her first commitment, to you, for you to finish school and, hopefully, go to college.  she was just as abusive as your family.  report her?  maybe or maybe not.  this is your decision and your alone.  just like suing my birth family for the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse was my decision and mine alone.

am i sorry you had an abusive childhood?  who didn't?  the cleaver family only existed on 50s tv.  and "father knows best" was no different.  when some conservative tells me how wonderful it was in the 50s and 60s and how we had to get America back to that greatness, i want to puke my guts out.  they didn't live it or they were living in a well-healed dream world.  blacks had no rights.  jews were often discriminated against - ivy league schools had maximum quotas for jews.  blacks need not apply.  police sometimes took a suspect in an alley and beat the suspect into a coma with his (women couldn't qualify to be a cop) nightstick, claiming that the suspect was "resisting arrest."  no one ever questioned it  no, my fellow sufferer, we have all been abused.  like my wife tells me, "suck it up and get over it."

help?  h*ll yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i have been in therapy most of my adult life (i used to want to send my birth family the bills).  like you, i was first diagnosed with depression.  i tried committing suicide at least 15 times until my 20th birthday.  and a few times from then until now.  i can tell you from my experience, you can live through these dark times.  you can grow and prosper.  remember:  living well is the ultimate revenge!   and i am enjoying my revenge immensely.

i hope that this diatribe helps you at least a little.  i am a survivor and, believe it or not, so are you.

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/1/2008 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
LFW & Serafena,
I want to say thank you you two have helped alot i appreiate the help. I went to my school FSA (Family Service Association) which is linked to the social worker I see at home and told the Manager down there what has been going on and what the social worker had said she aggreed that it wasnt the best thing for her to say to me but I should try to give her another chance... and I can see my old phychiatrist by next wednesday but if I want to see someone different I have to wait til the end of the month for just a name number of one... and then maybe if I'm lcuky she said they'd be able to get me in to see a new one by mid may...

I don't know if I can wait that long... I cry every night for about 2hours or more and I don't know why... and every night my urges to inflict pain get worse... and during the day i'm a bomb just waiting to go off and i've been a bomb for the past few months... the only things keeping me from going off is that i'm aware i'm ticking... and i keep basically kicking my self to not flip on people... i've gotten more distant from my friends and mom just because i know that if they say one thing that i dont like or agree with i might flip.

wmnak,
i know what you mean i've kinda always thought that way like you know what my parents were terrible but i'm going to be better and do better and its going to kill them all along the way...
my father hasnt talked to me since i was sixteen while i was in the homeless shelter due to the fact that i was taking my mother to court and couldnt live with her during the time.... but he seemed like he really cared for that year and then when the judge ordered me back home it was like i enver existed again... i just turned eighteen in the beginning of march my dad sent me a text saying "you're eighteen now, how soon is julia kicking you out and when should i expect to hear about you being in jail?"
that pissed me off i love my father and i want him to be apart of my life mainly just because i want to see the look on his face when he realizes i'm better then him becasue of him.... but instead of flipping out and saying something really mean back like i use to when i had NO control i replyed
"18 years ago your youngest daughter was born and although you may not see it I am stronger now then ever. it is because of the abuse and pain that I will now succeed.... everything you have done has taught me what not to do. you may not believe this but I will always love and care for you and although you may not love or care for me you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I apologize you've let the worse get the better of you"

i dont think i said this but my father wasnt always abusive the abuse started when he got re-married when i was six it went on until i was ten and then i was removed from his custody and placed into my mothers care from there i wasnt abused for the first year at age 11 my mother began to beat me and emotionally tear me down until i was sixteen.
i have an older sister she was never abused by my mother but when i went to live with my mom my dad needed a new target... my step-sisters werent going to be the target... she was... she blaims me for the abuse she recieved... she says i should have never pissed him off that night and then maybe i wouldnt have had to move to my moms... (my mom was a stranger to me up until the day i had to move in with her i hadnt seen her since i was two.)

i've lost my train of thought i'm not even sure if that last bit had anything to do with what i was talking about... in my response... i would re-read to make sure but i dont want to be late to class. i have to go...
spittinpcebby<3


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/1/2008 6:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Spit, if you are THAT close to snapping and hurting yourself or others....Then perhaps it is time to look at some hospitalization to stabilize you right now (I think you might even arrange with school to allow you to keep up with your course work from the hospital so you can graduate on time). I realize it is up to you as to whether you "wait things out" or give the social worker another try...but...if all you do at night is cry for several hours and are filled with this desire you speak of....I would say it is time for immediate help. I hope you continue to stay responsible and in control of these impulses you speak of for yourself AND others. You strike me as a wonderful young lady who is trying so hard to find her feet and get the help she needs. I wish you nothing but the best in the choices you make. LFW

Joxster1970
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 4/2/2008 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
hug works wonders.. Need One??


Joxster

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/2/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
always
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


Joxster1970
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 4/2/2008 11:10 AM (GMT -7)   
yeah  BIGG HUGG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
how did that feel??
 
                  Joxster

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/3/2008 4:57 AM (GMT -7)   
=] good. thanks
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


stressed in bama
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 4/4/2008 11:13 PM (GMT -7)   

 

 Spit.  Wow, For a young man your age you have a lot on your shoulders. I really admire that with all you go through you do very well in school. I encourage you to do all you can to get the help you need. I get the feeling you have a very good head on your shoulders for someone your age. You will have to put yourself first. I will keep you in my prayers and I wish you well.

 Hugs, stressed in bama


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/5/2008 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Spittinpcebby,

What an ordeal. I feel for you. Nothing hurts like having your parents reject you. ( I know too. I bet many of us can relate -- there's a theory that bipolar isn't caused by, but is triggered by stressful environments.) I too am concerned by your sense on wanting to explode and hurt someone-- yourself or someone else. LFW is right, that's worth being hospitalized for. That's dangerous. All the more reason to see a doctor, someone professional who can evaluate you clinically and not be freaked out when you explain such statements. Can you make an appointment soon?

(((Hugs)))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/10/2008 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
stressed in bama-i'm a female but thank you. =]
 
Serafena
I am actually going to be going to an intake appointment in about two weeks, its the best they could do, but after that i should be back on medication and talking to someone on a regular basis. 
 
 
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am going to see someone I have the appointment and I will be going, I've been more depressed the past week then angry and I'm also sick with the flu so I haven't gone to school in a week and today is my first day back in school, getting out bed this morning killed me, getting out of bed every day kills me i feel like someone is ripping my heart out and stepping on it, i hate to wake up but I also can't sleep.... laying in bed at night i just cant sleep i close my eyes and all i do is end up remembering everything that happened to me when i was younger which makes me depressed even more and then i dont even want to sleep... i dont know i'm so lost lately
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


stressed in bama
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 4/10/2008 10:08 AM (GMT -7)   
spit,
I apologize for thinking you were a man. Couldn't tell you were I got that from.I hope you are doing better.
 
Hugs from stressed
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