Thank you guys. Stressed in bama--I've read your posts recently--I am sorry for what you are going through. I think it's great that you posted to the depression board as well. I post there too sometimes. Everyone here is here to support each other. We're all dealing with a lot of the same issues.
I had my bath last night. But I am even worse today than I was yesterday. I just took my meds and I increased my dose of Lamictal (w/pdoc's permission). I am in complete and utter agony. I don't know what else to say right now except that your support is critical to me. I am home alone and there is no one to talk to even over the phone. Bf will be home sometime today--and I'm trying to keep an open mind as to how he's going to feel and react to the state I'm in; b/c I don't think I can possibly hide it today.
Thank you for comforting me, it means so much.
LFW--I read your post before my bf got home, and had planned to put into action your wonderful advice. But he was angry and frustrated, so we got into another huge fight. It was terrible. On top of everything else, I have the flu right now, which started yesterday before he got home.
Serafena, thank you sooo much for your post. It is dead on to how I feel and what's been going on. Those triggors are exactly what's caused this and made everything worse. And with the fight last night, I'm still deeply depressed. I've called crisis twice in the last 12 hours.
My bf wanted to end things last night. He says he can't do this anymore. After awhile, he then said he would give us one last chance. I am confused today, b/c I feel like he's losing his love for me, and nothing could hurt more. I also feel that I am doing everything I can, but I know with the depression I am still going to make mistakes. And now it feels like the next time I get this low, it will be over between us. And I don't feel that's fair b/c I want the same thing he wants--to not get into a huge blow up about it. But for those times that I am not well, as long as I am going to my sources for support and battling it myself, for the rest of it I just want some acceptance. So much is going through my mind. I appreciate his patience and support. Then there are the times where he can't accept and try to understand that I am not well. I've told him so many times he doesn't need to do anything--I'll maybe ask for a hug--but just to accept what I am going through.
Last week, when all of you helped me to see that I need to use my other sources as much as possible to avoid these nasty situations, I put that into action. I definitely did that yesterday, but at one point the tears came, and because of that, he was very upset. I communicated to him that this is how I am going to be handling things from now on. I'm not sure he accepted that either. I expressed to him how much I am here for him. I took his hand and looked at him to make sure he knew how much I mean that.
My support worker and my counsellor both feel that I need someone who is going to give me some understanding and acceptance--crisis keeps saying this to me as well, but how are we ever going to get to that point???
I am the saddest I have ever been in my entire life today--I feel that eventually we are going to fall apart. I almost know that's going to happen. And this is the person that I have loved more than anyone before; this is the one person I want my life with. It is absolutely killing me today to think that I'm going to lose this person who I love so much.
So just all of you know, I am still in coping mode for myself today, obviously b/c I'm still depressed--so any support is much appreciated. Thank you all so much for absolutely getting me through this.
with us here, you are NEVER alone. you are an important part of this (dis)FUNctional family and we all love you and understand what you are going through. all of us have been there. i often ask myself if there is anything in life but depression. then i get reminded of the manic times and how badly i hurt my loved ones and embarrassed myself. win? maybe we can just break even.
mogs, you MUST be careful of creating self-fulfilling prophecies. if you believe that you cannot win, guess what? you can't! if you believe that there is only one person in this whole life for you and that relationship ends, guess what? you will spend the rest of your life alone. if you believe that you and your b/f will split, guess what? DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?
i have a multitude of ailments, from bp to copd and chronic pain. although they feel life-threatening at times, they only MAKE me feel that i wish i were dead. my wife, on the other hand, has life-threatening illnesses. i do my best to keep the lid on myself and my pains and agonies and to care for her. i know that the probability of her being with me on this plane of existence in 10 years is almost nill. i don't know how - or if - i can take that loss. we have been through so much together that i cannot imagine life without her. i only know that, if and when she passes to another plane, i will survive. i don't know how. the "how" is a detail. i just know that i will, whether i want to or not.
if, may the gods forbid, things don't work out between any of us and out "significant other," we WILL survive. remember that "hoe" is a detail. we all have the strength and the ear of the gods. we don't have to LIKE what we are living through, we just have to live through it. sometimes my back pain gets so severe that i want to die. i really do. then my wife says, "get off your lazy ass and DO something." i yell at her and she yells at me and we get on and get something accomplished. i still hurt, but at least i remain mobile. you will remain in this world and find happiness with your current b/f or someone else. the "how" is a detail.
we all love and care for you, mogs. PLEASE take care of yourself. i will send good thoughts your way and hope that your b/f will be able to open up and love and accept you, bp and all.
Post Edited (wmnak) : 4/12/2008 10:51:11 PM (GMT-6)
Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 4/7/2008 5:51:42 PM (GMT-6)
Thank you all so much. Once again, your support is vital to me.
I am still depressed, and a bit stressed too. My bf and I talked about things on Monday night, and he said that he really doesn't want our relationship to end. He said that night we had the fight, that he was tired and upset, and didn't mean to take it so far by saying that he wanted it to be over. When he said that Monday night, I felt soooo much better. But I'm starting to worry again. I just hope so much that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him; I hope that he is still in love with me. I have been depressed all week, and it was my first week at my externship at the doctor's office. It was overwhelming, but a lot of positives too. I'm just basically feeling really insecure. I'm keeping my depression and stress under control as much as I can. I just don't want us to have another fight about my illness. I'm so scared of that.
Warren--I have thought of "what if this relationship does end someday?" Well--it will without a doubt be the most devastating thing I will have ever gone through. I have never loved anyone the way I love my bf; ever. And I had quite a few significant relationships before him. But with him, I have felt this is "it". I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him; us, together. But if it does end, I will have to accept it, and I will have no choice but to heal. LFW, serafena, warren, & sukay--thank you all for your posts. All of you brought such comfort to me in these posts. They are the only comfort I have felt in a long time (other than from my Mom) And the stress I have been under has been so unbearable. I don't even know how I'm not in the hospital. I meant to call my pdoc today to ask him about going up another 25mg on the Lamictal, but forgot. I will call Monday.
Anyway, I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much, many ((((((Hugs))))))
mogs, I don't know, but maybe going up in your antidepressant might do some good. I think you really need some help getting over this funk. You have had a big month. School, internship...you have accomplished alot, and you really need to let yourself feel truly proud.
You are moving ahead in life, making positive strides...even while dealing with a sometimes dibilitating affliction. You are strong and you know it. It is time that you allow yourself to feel it. One thing my therapist told me, as far as mending the relationship with my husband, is that sometimes what speaks the loudest is no words at all. I think if you concentrated more on being happy, and feeling happy with yourself, your relationship will heal...just in him seeing how much better you feel. I think that self assuredness rubs off on people. I found that a huge shift for the better happened in our relationship when I was able to stop worrying so much about it. I started concentrating on bettering myself, school, kids...things that made ME happy. It was hard to do...besides the bipolar, I have always been a worrier. But after a few weeks he avtually told me that it was nice to see me smiling more often and gave me a big hug.
Not to say we haven't had our share of disagreements, he is still healing from how I hurt him...lying, spending upwards of 50,000 in 1 year. So he still has moments where is is depressed about it. But overall I see things getting better.
I think you just need to tell yourself each day that you are worthwhile, that you have accomplished alot and are deserving of praise....self-praise included. And just try , no matter how difficult, to try and find the good in everything.
Thank you Michelle--so kind of you. Just to be clear, did you mean I should up the Trazodone (antidepressant) or the Lamictal (mood stabilizer)--with my pdoc's consent... I'm thinking of upping the Lamictal again.
Anyway, here is the problem:
I do know that I am strong in fighting this illness and accomplishing my goals. However, the big issue is that I am not strong in how I feel about myself...how I look, my friendships or being around people, and in my relationship. I am so completely insecure about these things, I don't know how to overcome it. It's overwhelming.