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luvmybabies
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 107
   Posted 4/9/2008 10:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, My name is Stephanie and I am new to this forum. I have been posting on the fibromyalgia forum but I usually only lurk in here. I am 26 years old, married with 3 children and recently quit my job as a computer technician due to health issues. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003 after being hospitalized because I was extremely suicidal. My official diagnoses is bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I went off all my meds in 2004 because I got pregnant with my daughter and I have not gone back on them. I have been ok since then, well in my own mind. I have been battling chronic pain for almost 2 years now and lately I am so depressed and I just feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper. I spend my nights crying. I am afraid to go back on all the meds because I felt like a zombie when I was on them. I know it is only going to get worse. I am starting to realize that this disease that I thought I had so under control was never really under control. Having suicidal thoughts is not under control. Yelling at people you love for no reason is not under control. I can't understand why I do this to myself. I guess I just wanted to talk to people who understand. That's why I am here because I feel alone.


Steph

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/9/2008 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome Stephanie.  I am glad you decided to take the jump from just lurking here.  I think that you will find alot of support.

Living with bipolar...I am a firm believer that "getting it under control" is nearly impossible without correct medications and most of the time talk therapy.  I know that you say you are not looking forward to feeling like a zombie again....but you know that you really have to give these types of medications weeks to regulate, sometimes months.  And even then you may find that you are not on a good mix for your body.  It is really trial and error, and maddening until you find a good combo.  But now being on theother side of things myself...I see how those weeks of being extremely tired, and moods going crazy, well...it was worth it to be where I am now.  I am on an anitidepressant and antipsychotic, I am bipolar 1 and a rapid cycler.  I caused alot of damage, both financially and emotionally during my unmedicated years...and I fell so much better about life now.  I also go to therapy every other week.

Trust me...your children would much rather see their mom enjoying life and really being there with them.  Give yourself that chance to feel better.  Don't let the suicidal thoughts cloud your mind.  You do not really want to leave...and you need help getting it under control.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/9/2008 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Stephanie:

Welcome to the board. Glad to hear from you.

For everyone with bipolar, moods change, obviously, and get more or less severe, so sometimes you can handle them on your own, maybe, and sometimes you can't. Maybe you've just reached a place where you can't. Don't feel bad. It definitely sounds like time for a trip to the pdoc; give yourself a break and get some help. My other thought is that if you felt like a zombie last time you had meds, you weren't on the right meds for you. Your drugs shouldn't zombify you, and if they do, you need to let your doc know that so you can try something else.

I also second Michele's recommendation of some therapy -- 26 with 3 kids, just left work because of health issues. I'm sensing you may have some stress to work through. :-) Talk therapy really helps if you've never tried it, helps keep things in perspective.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


luvmybabies
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 107
   Posted 4/9/2008 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow, You guys are really nice. I have spent the week getting yelled at so its nice to "hear" some kind words. I wrecked the family car on Friday. My husband is very angry with me about it. He has been very awful to me since it happened. I also just found out that my dad left my mom. I am going through probably the worst stress of my life and I have absolutely no support. I can barely get out of bed to be honest. My bipolar is completely out of control. Back when I was on all the meds I was in the county mental health system. Even had the housing through them. I got stable got my life together and now I have private health insurance. I am not sure how to get help though. Every time I call a doctor I get the run around. I am told they don't have an opening for months or something like that.

I am a rapid cycler too. I hear voices at times (during my bad manias). I am close to a complete mental breakdown right now. I have told my husband that I am worried and maybe I should be hospitalized but he just shrugged me off and I don't know how else to get help. He doesn't want me to go to the hospital cuz he won't have anyone to watch the kids when he works if I do. He doesn't get it at all.

Stephanie

stressed in bama
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 4/9/2008 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Stephanie,

So sorry to hear about all you are going through. Although I am not the one with bipolar,my husband is bipolar and I am pretty much his only support.His family also shrugs his illness off.His daughter dosen't think it is good for him to be on so many meds but I told her to remember how he was before he started getting help. I can't give much advice but the folks on here are great. Do you not have anyone to help with your children other than your husband? I so wish I could say or do something to help. I will keep you in my prayers. You have 3 I am sure wonderful children and they need their mommy so Please don't give up on trying to get help. I wish you the best.

 

Hugs just for you Stressed in bama

I have a stepdaughter close to your age and I can't imagine her going throughwhat you are so just hang in there,dear


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 4/9/2008 4:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow Stephanie...you have a lot on your plate right now.  And good thing you know just how close to your breaking point you are.  You need help now.  I do not know how your insurance works.  But on the back of the card, call their 1 800 number.  Tell them you need the number for mental health.  Tell whomever you get on the phone that you are dealing with an emergency and that they need to help you find a provider asap...that waiting a month or two won't do.  I am sure they would rather get you in, then to have to pay for an expensive hospital stay.

Remember.  Everyone makes mistakes.  You wrecked the car, it could have just as easily have been your husband who did it.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Everything always seems worse right when it happens.  You know when I was 5 months pregnant with my youngest, I was heading out to the grocery store...I backed my car out of the garage and backed right into the front bumper of his truck.  Pretty talented to be able to crash one of your cars into the other.  Yea I felt stupid and my husband was pissed.  But you know what...we laugh about it now. And we had to pay $1000 on deductibles for both cars. 

And as far as your parents are concerned...I know you are younger, so it may be a bit more traumatic.  But you are also an adult now and need to remember that you don't know everything about their relationship.  There are things that go on between parents that kids are not privy to.  So be open to both of them, and most defianately do not take on any pain or guilt about this.  You are in a bad place right now you need to concentrate on getting you over this hump first.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


quietpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 4/11/2008 1:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Suicidal thoughts are hard to accept. I face them constantly over the past 17 years. sometimes I have come too close overdosing on lithium and vodka, taking too many tricyclics, and taking a combo of T3 and vodka and xanax. None ofthe others involved the authorities/ ICU care. I haven't made an attempt in 6 years. My daughter thinks the last once was a heart attack, she was 3 and remembers it. The fact she she remembers it scares me. My son has told me he knows I could die and he doesn't want not to see me anymore. Thay keep me strong. So Slowly I learned to get rid of everything that could hurt me. The most dangerous thing I ever have access to is my sahving razor and my daily pill appropriations.

I just make myslf feel better by lying there and closing my eyes and being still, pretending I am already there. It is calming and usually it is helpfull. Sometimes it doesn't help and that it why I am looking for something to control my anxiety. My doctor thinks it will help with the suicidal feelings too. I am currently trying librium.

quietpain

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 4/11/2008 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Steph,
 
Welcome to HW :-) You are definitely supported here.  I feel like HW is my only support these days.
 
I wanted to reply about the meds.  I did the same thing you did.  I had to quit b/c of the zombie feeling.  I have to be able to function, go to work etc. but definitely be able to physically get out of bed.  With so many of the bp meds that just isn't possible.  I don't think many of us can truthfully say that these medications that are out there (most of them) for this illness don't have that effect--b/c they do!!!  But some people can tolerate it.  I am not one of them.  So I was off meds for just over a year.  But then my episodes started getting more frequent and more intense.  My pdoc said this would keep happening if we didn't do something; but it was my decision.  I was slipping fast and hard.  So I recalled the only medication I didn't have that zombie feeling with--Lamictal, and decided I would try that.  So far, not bad, could be a lot better, but I'm not willing to go on anything else.  So I try to manage the best I can in other ways.
 
I would suggest thinking back to the one med that maybe didn't make you feel so bad, or talk with your pdoc about trying something new--there are a lot of meds.  Pdocs can pick all kinds of medications to try and help us balance our moods.  They don't all have to be antipsychotics.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the lack of support (?) from your husband.  It's all just so hard.  It's hard for us to suffer so much, but it's also hard for our partners to watch us suffer and there's nothing they can do (or so they think).
 
I too, am feeling overwhelmed right now with stress, which means that I am at high risk right now for sinking lower and lower.  You are not alone, and although I feel I am, I'm not either.
 
Many ((((((Hugs)))))) to you.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 200 mg/day

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