Welcome Stephanie. I am glad you decided to take the jump from just lurking here. I think that you will find alot of support.
Living with bipolar...I am a firm believer that "getting it under control" is nearly impossible without correct medications and most of the time talk therapy. I know that you say you are not looking forward to feeling like a zombie again....but you know that you really have to give these types of medications weeks to regulate, sometimes months. And even then you may find that you are not on a good mix for your body. It is really trial and error, and maddening until you find a good combo. But now being on theother side of things myself...I see how those weeks of being extremely tired, and moods going crazy, well...it was worth it to be where I am now. I am on an anitidepressant and antipsychotic, I am bipolar 1 and a rapid cycler. I caused alot of damage, both financially and emotionally during my unmedicated years...and I fell so much better about life now. I also go to therapy every other week.
Trust me...your children would much rather see their mom enjoying life and really being there with them. Give yourself that chance to feel better. Don't let the suicidal thoughts cloud your mind. You do not really want to leave...and you need help getting it under control.
So sorry to hear about all you are going through. Although I am not the one with bipolar,my husband is bipolar and I am pretty much his only support.His family also shrugs his illness off.His daughter dosen't think it is good for him to be on so many meds but I told her to remember how he was before he started getting help. I can't give much advice but the folks on here are great. Do you not have anyone to help with your children other than your husband? I so wish I could say or do something to help. I will keep you in my prayers. You have 3 I am sure wonderful children and they need their mommy so Please don't give up on trying to get help. I wish you the best.
Hugs just for you Stressed in bama
I have a stepdaughter close to your age and I can't imagine her going throughwhat you are so just hang in there,dear
Wow Stephanie...you have a lot on your plate right now. And good thing you know just how close to your breaking point you are. You need help now. I do not know how your insurance works. But on the back of the card, call their 1 800 number. Tell them you need the number for mental health. Tell whomever you get on the phone that you are dealing with an emergency and that they need to help you find a provider asap...that waiting a month or two won't do. I am sure they would rather get you in, then to have to pay for an expensive hospital stay.
Remember. Everyone makes mistakes. You wrecked the car, it could have just as easily have been your husband who did it. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything always seems worse right when it happens. You know when I was 5 months pregnant with my youngest, I was heading out to the grocery store...I backed my car out of the garage and backed right into the front bumper of his truck. Pretty talented to be able to crash one of your cars into the other. Yea I felt stupid and my husband was pissed. But you know what...we laugh about it now. And we had to pay $1000 on deductibles for both cars.
And as far as your parents are concerned...I know you are younger, so it may be a bit more traumatic. But you are also an adult now and need to remember that you don't know everything about their relationship. There are things that go on between parents that kids are not privy to. So be open to both of them, and most defianately do not take on any pain or guilt about this. You are in a bad place right now you need to concentrate on getting you over this hump first.