New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/10/2008 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

I was recently engaged to a girl for about a year and have dated her for 1.5 years (I am 26, she is 25). She is a very nice, smart girl who has a MBA from a very well known school. Throughout our relationship, she has always acted very impulsively. She would change her mind about what job she wanted/where she wanted to live every couple of weeks. Shes had about 5 jobs in the last year. We had our share of minor fights, but nothing that couldn't be made up over a nice little talk. All in all, we got along very well and she had just recently booked the place for our wedding, got her dress and was making the arrangements.

Last summer, she began to see a counselor (PhD) because she was feeling depressed. She would talk about how life didn't have much meaning, would have random angry outbursts, and would frequently cry for no reason. The counselor put her on some mild antidepressants (which she was taken off of a few months later) and my ex seemed to stabilize for the most part. Additionally, she has always been the type of person who could sleep 12-15 hours a day if given the chance. One day of the week, she would have a decent amount of energy, and the next day she would be lethargic. She'd come home @7, and sleep from 8pm ->8am (She worked in an averagely hectic office type setting).

She has always been the type of person who is scared of guns, violence etc... Which is fine. However, a few months ago out of the blue she sat me down and told me how she needed direction in her life and decided that she wanted to stay with me, but she wanted to join the Marines (she had spoken to numerous recruiters etc...). Obviously, I did not know what to make of this because the marines are obviously NOT the type of place for someone who likes to sleep in, is scared of guns and all kinds of violence. After a few days, i talked her out of this. This obviously made little sense to me though.

Over the last couple of months, she has been facing and increased amount of external stress in her life which were beginning to affect her. We'd have 1-2 hour talks on a daily basis regarding them. Despite these stresses, I feel as though we'd drawn even closer together as a couple. Finally, a few weeks ago she began to talk about how she wanted to move to Oregon (We live in the Carolinas). She had passingly mentioned it from time to time in the past, but nothing really serious. She begged me to move with her, but I have a very good job here with no known prospects in Oregon and obviously packing up ones life and moving across the country in a week is not usually a good choice to make. To make a long story short, in about a week we had gone from living together, having a place reserved for our wedding, sharing the same medical coverage, cell phone plan etc... to her canceling all of that, getting her own health care in Oregon, applying for jobs there, and packing up her stuff to move out of the house. The night she left to stay with a friend before the trip, we both cried and she told me she knew there was something wrong with her. She said that she'd come find me once she got better. I could tell that she was scared, and she repeatedly told me how much she loved me and asked that I always promise to be there for her if she needed me.

That night she went to a friend's house, and she apparently had somewhat of a breakdown and made an emergency trip to see her counselor (PhD) (who I know additionally referred her to more of a medically oriented Dr.) and her counselor was "very concerned." She sent me a letter + left me a voice mail telling me how none of what she was going through had to do with us, how she decided not to move, and how much she loved me and how I could never know how much I meant to her. She has since told her friends that she loves me, but needs to get her life in order first. Her counselor felt it was "very important" that she remain on good terms with me.

In the last few weeks, I've spoken with her 2-3 times and she seems distant to me every time, treating me almost like a business acquittance. I've asked her to get together for a walk or something and she replies "I can't because of my feelings for you" or that she "needs to worry about getting her life in order first." I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she fairly angrily replied "I don't want to even get into that right now" and went on to describe how she first needed to find a new place to live in the area etc.... She acts fairly normal to her friends, but to me, she acts very cold.

Sorry for the long story, but does this sound like BP II at all? I know a few people in her family have it. Additionally, can anyone give me any insight as to what a BP person (If she has it) would be going through now and any recommendations for me? It has been a month now and I am still confused/heartbroken.

Thanks
-Brian

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/10/2008 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not one to tell you if it sounds like BP II or not what I can say is that she sounds like she just really needs help, I can tell that you care very much about her and it must hurt to watch her be so normal towards her friends yet so cold towards you, I don't want to get to much into my self here but I know from personal experiences in her point of view that I also do the same I can be "normal" towards others yet cold/harsh towards my mother and people that I'm very close to.... me personally I do it for self protection I don't want to get hurt, by being cold/harsh towards those that care and could potentially hurt me I'm mean and very on edge towards them to keep my self from letting them hurt me.... it could be that she really cares about you and she may be actting this way towards you for self protection not that you would hurt her but she may hurt you, emotionally speaking... and by pushing away she may feel its protecting both of you... what she doesnt know is that its hurting you... my best advice just keep in touch with her let her know you care and that you want to help but don't push to hard... it may just make her pull back even more...


spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I

Post Edited (spittinpcebby) : 4/10/2008 7:13:20 AM (GMT-6)


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/10/2008 6:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you very much for the reply. I've always let her know that I'd be willing to help her through whatever she wanted and that I'd be there for her. I made the mistake of sending her a nice email last week letting her know how I felt. I just told her that she was a very good person and that I cared for her and just wanted her to get better. She called me back to thank me and initially sounded happy to speak with me, telling me about her day and what not. However, when I brought up the idea of getting together, that is when she pushed me away and I got on the needy side (Which I am sure only drove her away more). I've resolved that I will let her initiate the next form of contact (if we ever have one) and that I will be kind, but not at all needy. I just hope I didn't push her away too much already.

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/10/2008 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you did, she's going to through personal problems with her self and she just needs to be alone-but don't actually leave her alone... I think it's best you don't try to get back into a relationship right away with her she really just needs to see that you care and that if a friendship is what she needs rather then a romantic relationship that you will understand and respect that but still be there for her... Unfortunatly her emotions towards you and in general our affecting your emotions which why I am happy to see you have found this site and I hope you keep in touch and that you get the suport and communication you need from others to help you personally and also to you help her...
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/10/2008 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you very much. It has only been a month, and I have been nothing but kind to her whenever I could be. She is living with her dad + frequently stays in touch with her grandparents, so I know she is safe/taken care of. She was big on facebook and would be on it for hours a day after we broke up (I could see her stats) and then last weekend, she deleted her account and does not log onto MSN messenger anymore, so I don't have much of a way to contact her. It has only been about 2 weeks since I last spoke with her (and 5 since the breakup), so I figure I will give her more time. I figure that is all I can do?

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/10/2008 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
You're doing the right thing by giving her time, you dont want to annoy her by constantly trying to check up on her and stuff but a little email or phone call (even if its just a voice mail) asking how shes doing... not like a worry how are you doing just a "hey how are you? just wanted to call and say hi see what you've been up to.." would be okay... that way she knows you care but doesnt feel pressured that you're trying to get her to get back with you....
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/10/2008 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   
How much time do you feel is a good amount of time for me to give her so I don't seem like I am bugging her? I last spoke with her last mon.

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/10/2008 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
That really depends on her and how she's doing weather or not she is improving or remaining the same.. or getting worse which is what we hope she isnt.. talk to her but only as a friend.... If she's more depressed then angry then talking to her parents is okay but if she has angry moments... talking to her parents might make her upset if she finds out.. she might feel you dont trust her, or that you don't believe that she would tell you how she is really feeling which is why i said you may want to call every once in a blue moon just to say hi and say how are you...
spittinpcebby<3
bipolar I


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/10/2008 11:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the reply. Her parents (dad especially) HATE me for really very trivial reasons, so I don't think calling them would be a good idea. I will probably leave her alone for a few more weeks, and then send her off an email just to see how things are going and keep it very friendly. I have a feeling though she is on meds and her father has already talked her into to disliking me/convincing her it could never work between the two of us.

I really have no clue how she is doing because of the such limited quantity and quality of contact I've had with her over the last month.

Moreso than being depressed or angry, she was really just very indecisive. She would make decisions without wanting to think things through. She'd go through a phase where she would skimp every penny, then the next day spend $400 on a new hair style. She was depressed for a bit last summer, but I don't think that was a major symptom lately. Moreso, it has been fatigue, inability to think rationally at times, and making rash decisions over a period of a few days without really thinking about the consequences.

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/10/2008 12:41:52 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/11/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brian,

Forgive me for being MIA yesterday and allow me to welcome you to HealingWell and to our board.

I'm sorry to hear about the trouble you've been going through recently: painful, unfair, unexpected. I wouldn't venture a guess about whether or not your girlfriend's bipolar, because I'm not a doctor, but her rash behavior, the long sleeps, the family members with it, these things merit a trip to the doctor.

In the meantime though, while you're waiting around for her to come to her senses, I've got to ask what do you want and what are you doing to take care of yourself? I hate to see people spend months waiting and hoping and have it come to nothing. Bipolar people (myself included sometimes) can be manipulative. Take care that you're not being manipulated and strung along.

All the best,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/11/2008 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the welcome. Optimally, I would like to have the opportunity to be together with her and help her through whatever she is going through. Even during her worst periods, I always felt like I won the lottery with her. She is a good person who I care for deeply.

Realistically, I understand this cannot/should not come back again with the waving of a magic wand. I hope that her Drs help her out.

To take care of myself, I have been trying to focus on school (even though its hard because this was all so abrupt and confusing) I have been hitting the gym for 1-2 hours a day and hanging out with friends, and yes even flirting with a few girls who I thought were cute. This experience is something that is getting easier to handle with each passing day, but is always something that is in the back of my mind. Most of all, I miss her companionship. Friends are not able to come close to replacing what I lost in her, even just as a friend. I miss her, but all things considered, I think I am doing OK. I am moving on with my life and trying to assume that she will never be a part of it again. I figure that it is just easier this way.

We broke up ~ 5 weeks ago now, and have only spoken 2-3 times, and not in the last 2 weeks. Part of me thinks that her father used this as an opportunity to convince her that "I wasn't the one for her". Even if this isn't the case, if she had feelings for me, she would at least act somewhat friendly towards me and want to talk to me and/or see me. Mutual friends have already seen a change in her in comparison as to how she acted a few weeks ago. She is acting like a carbon copy of her father (who the therapist originally diagnosed as a big cause to her problems months ago).

The other half of me thinks that there is still some hope. It may take some time, but she will get her life back on track and realize she misses me and give me a call. This would all be backed up from the notes she sent me the day after we broke up, and from what she told me the night she left (about how she needed help). She has also told her friends how she loves me, but "just can't be in a relationship with me right now because of how she is." Additionally, we didn't have a fight and she gave no clues to her best girlfriends (who she spoke to on a daily basis) that she was thinking of breaking up with me b/c of a problem with me (and you'd think that a girl would at least talk about this stuff with her friends before doing something like that)

Sorry for the ramble, it feels good to get this all out. Not sure if my grieving + thinking about things so much is a sign I may have a problem too?

Thank you all

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/11/2008 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
No -- grieving and speaking about this is a sign you're sad. I'd be sad too. I'm truly sorry this is a crummy situation for you and it sounds like you're handling it about as well as you possibly can. I hope she gets it back together and realizes what a great guy she's lost.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/11/2008 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the kind words. It is helpful for me to talk with others about what is going on. I think I am having the hardest time with the comprehension of how someone can one day look you in the eyes and tell you how much you mean to them/how much they love you, and then literally a few days later, with no altercation, just pull away and leave you behind and cut all connections and treat me like I am some kind of stranger. It obviously makes alot of our love seem fake/worthless. Seems like I was tricked or the person I was seeing died.

Is this somewhat typical of people who suffer from bipolar BPD?

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/12/2008 7:48:18 AM (GMT-6)


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/13/2008 11:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Will most counselors tell their patient to limit any kind of contact from someone in a situation such as hers?

yana
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 220
   Posted 4/13/2008 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think so Brian ,i am having challenging time with bf due to his bp myself,it makes me depressed !

take care .
yana
Never work just for money or for power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night.
~Marian Wright Edelman~


I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.
~Blaise Pascal~


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/13/2008 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I know my ex's counselor told her that she should stay out of any serious relationships for like a year, but that it was important she stay on good terms with me. She has not had any contact with me for weeks now. So I'm guessing it is all her choice and that I should just totally move on accept this?

Sorry, I feel like I am being a total wuss and should just accept it and move on, but i dont understand how things could have changed so fast/for no reason.

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/13/2008 12:37:20 PM (GMT-6)


BPaffected
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/13/2008 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Brian,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, what you are going through sounds familiar to me when my DH just disappeared. I managed to contact him periodically and he didn't come around for a while, but when he did, boy it was like the pendulum had swung back full force!

One of the things about being with a BP (though my husband has never been diagnosed) is that you will be brought into this world of highs and lows. It makes one very insecure. I have these fears now that my husband will just leave as he disappeared on his two young boys from previous ladies. Then maybe they severed ties because of how incorrigible he is and I'm just the love-sick fool that puts up with it.

It is an uncertain situation, and it sure is teaching me how to kind of "go with the flow" and trust that things will work out for the best when you put out your best self and are true to your heart.

Good Luck!
BPa

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 4/13/2008 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Brian there is a 3 month no contact guideline that has been tossed around in some areas, I am do not necessary subscribe to this, but with the symptoms you have described that there is definitely something going on (I am not sure if I agree with BP, but there are some likeness) and I think the 1 year rule might be a good idea.

Your feelings of loss are completely valid. Perhaps you might want to think about seeing a counselor yourself because this has to so hurtful and confusing to have to deal with this, it sounds like it just came out of the blue. It couldn't hurt to have professional guidance through this rather painful experience. Please know that this is said out of caring and compassion for what you been through and appreciation of how hurt you must feel. Most importantly it is said in the hope for you to have healthy, happy relationships that give you a great deal of joy.

P.S. you are not being a wuss, what you are feeling is normal with this sort of situation
Crohn's Co-moderator

We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants)
Praise in public, chew in private.
Make sure your suffering has meaning....
____________________________________
All suggestions/options/opinions are caveated with please consult with your local health care provider...


Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/14/2008 4:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you very much for the help. I am going to give myself another week or two, and then if I am not doing much better, I think I may see a counselor myself. Right now, my biggest problem is the confusion surrounding all of this, what is wrong, and what I should expect. Yes this did all come out of the blue (although I knew something was wrong with her months beforehand)


BPAffected, how long did your DH disappear for? And what do you mean that the pendulum swung back in full force?

I guess what I should really begin doing is to just try to put this all behind me and stop wondering what is wrong with her and if she will come back and just move forward with my life.

Thanks again all

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/14/2008 6:50:24 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/14/2008 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
I like the idea of a counselor for you -- to help you come to terms with this, whether she comes back or not. Don't be hard on yourself. Let yourself feel bad about this -- it really is a sad situation. (((hugs)))
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/14/2008 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Brian, the truth is, each day in your life that you stop yourself from moving forward is a day you never get back. What you should be asking yourself is what type of relationship do YOU want in your life, and then look back and recognize SHE did not fulfill that. SO, the reasons for her exit...REGARDLESS of what they are...don't and won't matter. It won't be HER opting out...it will NOW be you. The moment you decide that THIS....the way it is RIGHT NOW....is NOT the way you want to live YOUR life...and with her - be clear - even if she came back...one day you would be here again....THEN...YOU will be free. Her issues won't matter any more. I am not saying in your heart you can't wish her well and hope the best for her, but the moment you realize you don't want THIS situation back....you will let go and allow yourself to heal. Because the next step is just that...consciously allowing yourself to heal. You need to look at the reality and see that REGARDLESS of WHAT illness she has, or WHAT her problem is...this is not the way you want to live....feeling abandoned, left behind, rejected...etc....PERIOD. Walk away from it all. Go get therapy for you so you can heal that part of you that didn't allow yourself to acknowledge the signs you were seeing and made excuses for. Recognize YOU didn't protect you, and figure THAT out and you will open the door to all you dream of finding...and you'll be able to find it. You will open the door to drawing into your life a partner who will honor you, cherish you, give back to you - the way you give to them, etc. Does that make sense to you? LFW

Brian712
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 4/24/2008 5:05 AM (GMT -7)   
LFW

Yes, it does make sense to me. It is very hard, but I have started to really live my life for me the last couple of weeks. I still miss her, and still wish I knew what to expect (it has been 3 weeks since I last had any contact with her)

According to some mutual friends who are concerned with her behavior, she has been going out to alot of bars recently (when she was with me she never had interest in such things) so I guess this is a sign she is done with me and I should move on. She is acting very atypical to the girl I knew, almost like a polar opposite in many ways.

Thanks for the advice all.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 03, 2016 10:48 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,119 posts in 300,996 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151159 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, webers.
251 Guest(s), 9 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Wdan, 81GyGuy, sararectenwald1, Girlie, Jingles1234, Traveler, kcsmith72, webers, iPoop


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer