what do i do? Counselor

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bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/14/2008 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
confused I feel like I have tried everything I can, but I know I haven't.

I have a counselor through the state a program called the CMO decides weather or not I get to keep my her in place or not and so far she's staying in place but last year they'll pulled my old one out, it sucked because they pulled her out right when i had hurt my arm three times, then stopping my medicine my self, because i would get really bad urges on it... So some of you may know I've been really on edge lately if I'm not about to explode on others I'm thinking about hurting my self, it's not healthy and I need help. So I told my counselor how I've been feeling and that it's been getting worse... she agreed that it's best I see a doctor and start meds again, so I called a doctor that both her and the CMO recomended I go to and they said they can't get me in for eight weeks, i told them this is urgent, eight weeks will not do, i need something sooner, then the woman claimed they don't accept my insurance which was confusing because last year I was in the same building just with another doc. so the CMO is suppose to call and fix it my counselor said they would and that the lady was mistaken, but I have yet to hear from the CMO, and they won't return my phone calls.



As some of you also may know I am a junior in high school and on honor roll and I was working full time in retail... I got sick two weeks ago, depressed couldn't get out of bed, I had a sinus infection and I was just plain out crappy, I couldn't make it to work two days in a row because I wasn't feeling well and I also had a lot of school work that I find is more important, my education comes first, when I finally went back to work they fired me, I told them I could provide them with a doctors note they said no need they just weren't offering employment anymore.... great i thought I get to sit at home all the time now with the woman that makes me hate my self more then anyone else... with the women that protected me from my fathers abuse and then began her own, the women that I now refuse to be. oh joy. I'm having trouble sleeping at night now and during the day all I want to do is sleep.... my grades are slipping because I've got my mind every where else but where it should be now a days... and I just don't know what to do... I wanted to try and call a different doc. and make my own appoitment some where else but the CMO has convinced my mom that she shouldn't allow me to do that, and I can't get a doc. app. with out my mom's insurance card... so I don't know what to do... I want to get help, I don't want to hurt anymore... I hate being on edge, I hate being depressed, I most deffintly hate when I don't feel anything at all, but what I hate most is that I'm the one that caused all this in the first place... and as much as I want to blame my parents and every once else for why I am the way I am I know it's my fault, I let them get to me... I take what everybody says to heart... and I use to allow everyone and anyone to push me around and now I never let anyone close enough to even know me, the real me.




suggestions?


{I edited out details of self-harm per rule # 1 because self-harm details are highly triggering. -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 4/14/2008 8:50:46 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/14/2008 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Spittingpcebby,

First and foremost, none of this is your fault. Not your abuse, not your illness, not how inefficient your managed care system is. I know you won't really believe me, but I want you to at least hear me and know that at least one adult out in the world is telling you none of that stuff is your fault. There's no possible way it could be. There is no way you are to blame.

Second, it's not unusual to have to wait for an appointment, unfortunately. Let the CMO get your insurance figured out and get into see the doctor. There is a way to find out which doctors your insurance will pay for. There is a phone number on the back of your mother's card. If you call it, they will give you names of psychiatrists in your area. You could get a few names and ask your counselor if she's heard of any of them. Chances are, even if you do this, you're still going to have to wait.

So what you need is a plan. Since hurting yourself isn't an option and hurting others is definitely not an option, what can you do to help you blow of some of your frustration and pain? Do you have any way that you express yourself? Do you write in a journal or paint or draw? Do you do any thing athletic like run? Could you try any of these things because lots of people have found them to be really useful in getting out their emotions. Also, try and get back on track at school, it's something you can focus on which is important to getting you out of the house eventually.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but you're gonna make it, I know it. You're going to be okay. Keep writing to us when it feels awful and we'll talk you through it.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 4/14/2008 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   

spittin,

i agree with serafina.  none of this is your fault.  i hate that word.  "fault."  it's like a jagged line dividing people, like a fault lines divide the earth.  does it really matter who is at fault, or if anyone is at fault?  the fact is that you are in a cr*ppy situation and you need to find a way out of it with a better outcome.  i was in the backyard at a freind's house one and walked out the back gate.  i closed and locked it.  about a week later i heard that this "friend" was holding me at fault because a few days later their dog got out the gate.  does that make any sence?

spitin, you, of all people, are not at fault.  in some cultures, everything, good and bad, that a child does, is attributed to that child's parents.  maybe that culture isn't so far off because the greatest influence on a child is the same sex parent (according to Dr. Phil).  you and i are both the product of the good and evil that have befallen us.  the abuse and the hugs.  too bad that it takes about 20 hugs to make up for one abuse.  we'll never collect from the perpatraters, but we can collect from ourselves and each other through love, kindness, and honesty.

i wish you well and may the gods hold you in the hollow of their hand through this turbulance.

hope this helps a little.

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 4/14/2008 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Spit, I HATE to say this...but....the only thing you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. Get back into the swing of things with school after being sick, keep communicating with the professionals around you, look for a new position with another store - or job, and lastly...UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE....harm yourself or another person. PERIOD. We can all remind you that none of your life circumstances are your fault, but the bottom line is...you already know what you have to do to get back on track, and to stay on track. Does it suck that you went back to work after sincerely being sick and got fired...ABSOLUTELY. Are they big fat meanies for what they did....YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But life, as you already know, is not always fair. SO...stick up for yourself in a responsible way where and when you can, and just keep taking one step at a time forward. And when you get a set back to your progress. Stand up, dust yourself off...and start off slow...but stay pointed in the right direction until you get your stride back. You WILL find another job, you WILL get back into the swing at school and end on a good note, you WILL eventually find the right counselor/doctor set up. Just hang tough, hang smart, and refuse to give in to the negatives. You are a special young lady with a lot of POSITIVES to give...make sure you remind yourself of that. My best thoughts to you. LFW

quietpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 4/19/2008 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
First I am also I cutter, but in a partial remission. (I go months at time, then fail) Don't feal bad about it. A long-acting benzo is something you might talk about helping with axiety that cutting releases. BuSpar will be too weak. I remember being so smat and losing it. I only spent two year in high school because of my schools use of incuding extra college classes. I do nothing now. i wish I got the cutting under control sooner.

See if there are any MDDA support groups in your area, they may have a meeting while you wait and can nelp offer a support system. Also there are groups just for teens in many areas, even through MDDA. Community women's health centers also often offer sliding scale (free for most teens) counseling. Just some thoughts/

quietpain

bringmebackhome
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 67
   Posted 4/24/2008 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry I haven't responded... I know I shouldn't blaim my self but I can't help but do it... I don't really have anything besides hurting myself, I use to write, but it just makes me more depressed and I just want to hurt my self even more... the only thing that has stopped me is the fact that I wan't to get better... up until last night I haven't hurt my self since september last night... my mom she just she sat at the table while I was reading gave me and nastyest look ever and said "you're f-ing fat, all you do is eat, I don't want to ever see you eat again." I got up and went into my room and bursted into tears... I thought about hurting myself... but I didn't at first as the night went on she continued to give me ditry looks her boyfriend came over for passover and wanted us to all eat together and I told him what happened the whole time she stood behind him giving me the look, the one that says "I'll kill you for telling him, watch your self". I ended up hurting my self last night I kinda regret it today but I still want to do it again... I can't decide if I want to tell someone I need help and that I did it or if I want to hide it and try to fight the urges my self... I don't like going to pip the hospital I would go to for this... the doctor always asks me if I want to kill my self, I always say no I just want to cause my self phsyical pain, it helps me forget about the emotional pain [for a little while]... and then the doc says i think you just want attention.. go home... don't hurt your self... and thats the end...

I just want it all to stop... I don't want to hurt anymore... I feel like I have no heart like it's been shattered into a million little pieces and everytime I start to put it back together... the pieces just dont fit...

I want to know how any women could look at their daughter and say such awful things... I have a friend that weigh 200lbs and her parents think she is the most beautiful person on earth and as long as my friends content with her self they're happy. why is my mom so mean? what did I do...

eh, maybe I should give you guys a few important keys I'm 5'2" and weigh about 170lbs... my mom is 5'1" and weighs 110

my mom went to the casino sunday night and lost over $$1000.


{I had to edit out specific discussions of self-harm per Rule #1. -- Serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 4/25/2008 8:38:22 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 4/25/2008 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Bring me back home,

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother is so mean to you. That kind of talk is verbal abuse and no child should have to endure it. Of course you have to eat, of course you should eat with your family. But clearly your family isn't working as a family should and your mother is taking out her frustrations on you, which is terribly sad. I'm very sad for you.

That said, you really need to find another outlet for your anger and sorrow than self-harm. Having been a cutter once myself, I know just how alluring it can be, but it is really inappropriate to hurt your own body. You are all you have to depend on. You need your body, be nice to it. You mentioned you once wrote but that made you depressed. Doesn't hurting yourself make you depressed too? It's a vicious circle? There's a little high, but there's always the shameful crash too. So take that energy that you would use being destructive to yourself and be destructive to something else: draw red lines on paper, punch pillows, cut up magazines or pieces of paper. Do these things as furiously or as calmly as you need to to purge yourself of the need to self-harm, and once it's passed, you're safe. Some people put rubber bands around their wrists and snap them. You get a sting from the band, but it doesn't do any lasting harm. Some people have to get themselves out of the house in order to keep from harming themselves. They go for a walk or a drive. Call a friend. Get online, tell us all about it.

It takes practice to beat the urge. You said you'd gone for a while without doing it. Great. Now do it again. Go a little longer.

Remember you're not stuck living with your mom forever. Soon enough you get to move out and go to college if you want.

(((hugs)))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


quietpain
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 112
   Posted 4/29/2008 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Most people cut there ars so I am just assuming. The thing that keeps me able to stop the moct is when I can look at smooth (slightly scarred) skin. Ask your doctor for a prescription of retin-A. Applt 2xa day and always use sunscreen 30min. later. This can reverse some damage and your arms start to look pretty. It is easier to cut when there already marks.I too let people push me around. I hate called a victim because that makes me weak. A did the best for me at the time - I am stronger than anyone knows. So are you. Sometimes fault isn't an either or thing -fault is a non-word to me- sometimes others cannot grasp that.

quiepain
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