I wanted to post an introduction so I could get to know some of you. My name is Kim, I am 33 years old and I have 5 kids and a wonderful husband. I also have a heavy helping of Bi-Polar disorder, Retinitis Pigmentosa (which is an eye disease that causes blindness) and I am fearing that there's some other mental issues going on that have yet to be determined.
Having 5 kids, and one income means I can't get the treatment for my Bipolar issues like I would want. I see a regular family general practice doctor. He currently has me on Symbyax 6-25 for the bipolar, and Ambien CR 12.5 for the horrible sleeplessness.
The Ambien isn't working. It's not strong enough but it's the strongest dose he's allowed to write. I forgot to mention that my body has a high tolerance to medication. I have learned with my bipolar that sleep is as important as the meds. If I take my meds and do not sleep... I shift like crazy and I feel like I'm suffocating inside my own chest.
I don't know what other steps to take for the sleep problem. I get desperate and during that "Shadow" of time that the Ambien starts working and I actually fall asleep, some pretty strange things can happen that I don't remember, and one of those is that I re-medicate myself...sometimes twice. So I consciouslly take one Ambien CR, then in the morning when I wake up, there's 2 or 3 more missing that my family tells me I got up and took again! Not a good thing. I have been working very hard not to do that anymore.
I think the Symbyax has been working... I've actually become quite social...where as before I was a reclusive person, only allowing my husband and children, and my best friend, his wife, and his mother into my daily life. I would go weeks without answering my phone to anyone but those people... even sometimes without answering those people! I stay at home a lot. Safety is a huge thing for me...so much so that I shamefully admit that I project my fear of loosing control of the environment for my kids and I don't allow them to have a normal play outside ride your bikes and play hide and seek at night kind of a lifestyle. I hate it... I really do... but I'm terrifyed that if I let them outside something will happen to them and I wont be there to protect them.
Did I mention I have a huge lack of trust in people? I HAVE to maintain control of my environment, and the environment of those I hold cloesest to my heart (those mentioned above) .... people have jokingly called me a mother hen all my life.... but I seriously think it's some sort of complex. I don't want the people I love to be hurt, even if it means I suffer tremendously to prevent it. I allowed horrible sexual abuse to be inflicted on myself until I was nearly 15 years old because I didn't want to hurt my mother by telling her what her brother was doing. I knew it was wrong... I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting her though so I didn't tell anyone.
Sorry, got off track. I do that sometimes. I tend to either not talk at all... or talk too much. I've noticed a lot of rapid shifting here in the past couple weeks. I sunk pretty low a couple of days ago after a night of no sleep... but then by noon that day I was shuffling all over the place at 100 mph. I hate the lack of control over my emtions. I hate it that I cannot fall asleep at night because as I lay there...tired as can be... my stupid head goes 200 miles an hour with every thought imaginable... thoughts that cause my heart to start racing.. my adrenaline to start running... I flip from side to side... I twitch my foot back and forth. I cannot even sleep in the bed with my husband because I feel guilty like I'm keeping him awake and he needs his sleep. For the past 3 years I've slept on the couch 85% of the time just because I have trouble sleeping and I don't want it to bother him.
He's a great man. He has suffered infidelity on my part (my bipolar affects my judgement horribly, and my sexuality something awful). He goes rolling on the ups and downs with me. He's gone through me verbally ripping him and his family apart.... I feel horrible when I do it, and i Know it's the bipolar doing it, but I just can't make it stop.
My Symbyax is working... it's just not working enough. It's helping some.... taking the sharpest edge off... but it's not helping me maintain a normal mindset. My head is racing ALOT, and it sounds really strange... but when I start shifting a lot, I get horrible headaches. Like this past week... in and out and in and out... I HATE it. I absolutely hate not being able to maintain myself.... I don't flip out and go running naked down the road... but I am aggressive, then affectionate, then energetic, then tired and bored all within a matter of hours. I just want to have one feeling... and keep it for one day. Not have such a dramatic rotation of emotions all the time... I'm tired... I'm really tired and I want to feel normal.
Hospitalization is out of the question. I am currently awaiting my disability status so that I can get some medical assistance. After that I will be able to see a therapist, and actually see a specialist for my bipolar.... I just don't know what to tell my family physician about my bipolar episodes so that he'll know and understand that my medication needs some modification.
Gosh... I'm sorry I blathered on. HI... my name is Kim, and I'm a blathering lump of desperation.