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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/11/2008 2:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
 
I hope everyone is well today and taking care of themselves. 
 
My update for you--I am now working full time in a dr's office as a Medical Office Assistant.   smurf    It's been great, and hard all at the same time.   And I know I can say that to all of you and you understand.  There was about 3 almost 4 weeks where I was feeling stable (maybe a little hypomanic a few days) but much, much better.  I really felt like the meds were working!  I bet none of you thought I would ever say that!  Ha!  I didn't either...  But as I kept putting in the hours (52 this past week) I crashed pretty hard Friday night.  And this weekend has been rough.  I'm working 6 days a week sometimes (this week was one of those) and on Tuesdays I'm working 11 hours. 
 
I saw my regular physician today to get a refill on my clonazepam.  She is proud of me but was also very clear that I need to take care of myself through all of this so these crashes don't happen constantly.  Something else that has triggored my crash--I'm not sleeping at all.  And when I am sleeping, I'm having bad dreams.  I think one of the biggest things affecting me right now is not sleeping.  I am considering upping the trazodone.  I will be calling my pdoc to let him know what's going on.
 
Bf and I have been doing really well until my crash.  Last night was a bit rough for us.  I feel really emotional about us these days.  about a month ago, the relationship almost ended (he really wanted to break up).  He felt that he just couldn't "do this anymore".  Somehow we stayed together.  But it's all left me more insecure than ever.  I went from finding out that he was looking at engagement rings to him wanting to end it all.  It's left me confused and to be honest, very hurt.  When I found out about the engagement thing, I felt so reassured.  For the first time in my life I felt so incrediably secure.  Now I just feel so much pain. 
 
Anyway, thanks for reading.  Now that I am working full time, I don't have counselling anymore.  I send hugs to all of you. 
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 200 mg/day


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 5/11/2008 7:22 PM (GMT -7)   

mogs,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (((((hugs)))))

i, and i'm sure everyone else here, are proud for you and wishing, praying, thinking good thoughts, for you.

you said something, though, that i would like to share another point of view with.  over more than half a century and a decade of existing on this plane, i have learned that YOU are the only one in control of YOUR emotions.  you chose what, if any, emotions you attach to any event.  to say, "my wife always makes me feel insecure" in a contradiction in terms:  a person's wife cannot make him feel anything.  the person who has these feelings owns them.  you can throw them away or keep them.   you can nurture them or let them wither and die.  the choice is always that of the person who owns those feelings.

i hope this helps, maybe a little bit.  i have found it to be Truth (with a capital "T"). 

i wish you love and peace.

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


twisted71
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 136
   Posted 5/12/2008 4:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi mogli, I am new to the board but I just wanted to say congrats on the new job and also to hang in there with your bf. There have been so many times that dh I almost divorced but we have married for 17 years now (amazingly, lol). but the fact that he didn't leave you even when he said he wanted to says a lot. You were both having a hard time and he problaby just felt overwhelmed at the time. But I am sure that will pass if it hasn't already. be patient about the engagement. Sit down with him and talk openly and honestly with him. Tell him you don't want him to fix anything, you just need him to listen and tell him everything that you feel. But don't put any blame on him or yourself. Just how you feel and how much he means to you and ask him to be patient with you. and ask him how he feels and listen to him too. If he knows how much you appreciate his presence and what he does for you then he will be more open to listening and being supportive. I hope this helps.
AJL
 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/12/2008 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mogli!!!!

It's so good to hear from you. Congratulations on scoring a good job and finishing your internship (in the reverse order, naturally. :-) ) I am concerned about your sleeping situation. I'm glad you're calling your pdoc because lack of sleep is pretty dangerous for we bipolar peeps. Will you always work such a tough schedule or is this just because you're new?

Hang in there with that bf. He loves you and is doing his best. If he wanted to go, he'd be gone already. I wonder if he gets frustrated when you have episodes because he doesn't know what to do. Sit him down when you're feeling clear and tell him what you need from him when you're depleted and crying. That may help his frustration.

Giant (((hugs)))
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 5/12/2008 9:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Mogs Congratulations!!  I agree with your doc that you need to be taking care of you through all of these changes.  You are worth the extra attention.  And I second what wmnak said.  That is a very important thing I have learned in therapy, is that I am in control of how I feel.  People can not make me feel a certain way, it is how I choose to react.  So you are in control of how your bf makes you feel.   Hang in there, he is having a rough go of this too, and for a non bp person it is a lot to take on.  Start to feel good about you from the inside, so you do not rely on how other's treat you to gain that feeling.

I wish you luck in this job...that is a lot of hours to take on, so heed your doctors advice and take care of you!


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending" ~ Maria Robinson


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/12/2008 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs, I only have a moment, but the mother in me is screaming you need your sleep! I hope the pdoc is responsive for you. If not...STAY ON HIM. It is important enough.

As to the bf....I know you are feeling scared. But choose...do you want a relationship where the "come from" is fear and insecurity...which will cloud EVERYTHING about it for you, OR do you want a relationship where you can tell the truth and recognize that if you take it a day at a time...his actions speak louder than his words (he is still there) and you can choose to love it for each day it is part of you. Now...keep in mind, it could stay a part of you forever...one day at a time. But, should it end at some point....why would you want to waste one moment of the gloriousness of the "now" while it is with you on those negative emotions. There would be plenty of time for sadness if an end comes. Don't waste the good stuff when it is part of your life now. Does that make sense? I totally understood what Warren said too...AND agree with him!

HUGS MOGS....LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/13/2008 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your support.  As always, I take what you have said to heart and give it much thought.  You are all so wise.
 
Here is what I've realized....
 
Honestly, I have tried so many times now in our relationship to really talk to my bf about us, bp...I've really tried to open up to him.  And it's not that I've overdone the talking; not even close.  Because of the negative results almost every time, I fear talking to him about what's upsetting me, about what I am going through.  But the fact is that I have made honest attempts and he gets angry sometimes, other times I feel like I'm talking to the wall.  The bottom line is that I cannot talk to him.  I've absolutely poured my heart out to him and it feels like it doesn't matter.  And where does that leave us?  Honestly, if I can't talk to him, how can I stay?
 
I wish so much he would try to learn about bipolar.   I wish that he would listen when I talk about how I feel about us instead of getting so angry and immediately laying guilt trips on me.
 
There have been times recently where I just feel like we aren't going to make it. sad
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/14/2008 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
It's interesting to hear you speak of what he can't do for you. Usually it's the other way around -- your guilt is so strong you're apologizing for having bipolar and needing to talk, but it's good to hear you realize that there is a 2-way conversation happening and part of the problem is his (for whatever reason) inability to really listen to you. I don't know if that's something that dooms your relationship but it certainly makes it LOTS harder.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/14/2008 8:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs, I am proud of you for being honest about this with yourself. I am proud of you for getting to the point where you realize that you deserve those things back. I am proud of you for realizing that a successful relationship - FOR YOU - would have to have that ability to communicate, for you to be heard, for you to be compassionately dealt with, and for you to be lovingly supported, sometimes that support would be helping you to move forward even during painful times...but with that love and understanding in place - and someone who strives to learn all he can about what his loved one is going through so he can be helpful and supportive...not critical and judgemental.

The truth is Mogs, you strive to be open and responsible for your BP. THAT IS SUCH A BLESSING! ANY partner worth his salt will recognize how lucky his is that you are this way. To accept ANYTHING less back...is not acceptable for such a special woman. And you ARE a very special woman Mogs.

I know the thought of this reality must be very painful, and no one says you have to change anything until you are ready...but the fact that you are facing this now vs. later....BRAVO to you girl. Your brave soul is shinning through again. You will find this all less painful telling the truth to yourself and YOU taking the actions you feel are best for yourself in the long run based on what you need and want in your life...vs. waiting for him to control the outcome here...you go after what you want, and if HE can't fulfill that...it is HIS problem and you move forward and YOU control your own destiny. Many HUGE HUGS to you Mogs...LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 5/14/2008 10:06:29 PM (GMT-6)

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