Hello...I felt really bad when I read your post!
I am soooo sorry you have lived through all this!
For the longest time I felt that I was alone.
I even got around to thinking that I may have "overreacted" or that I was to resentful toward him.(my husband)
I shifted back and forth between being mad at his "depression" phases,and forgetting about pride and self value-to pull him out of bed and get him to get out and breath fresh air.....Alot of times he attacked me emotionally til I dropped(literally)and I would cry for a bit,and then go to the room where he was cooped up,and grab him by the hand or caress his face.And this was all before I knew he was bipolar.It was my way of surviving!!!
I too got to the point where I preferred he not be home!
But if he took to long to come back home,I began to miss him. Don't know if it was cause I felt lonely or if I infact loved him,all I knew is that half of me needed him there!
He shut himself in a room and excluded himself from everything.Would come out to eat,if at all,and then went back into the room.And if he came out to address the kids,it was to yell at them or "correct"them for something!
We have 5 kids,and this killed me!I felt exactly like you say,didn't want for the kids to grow up with a grumpy dad(like I did)
Til a little bit ago,I felt like he was mad at me and the kids. Then I thought maybe he wanted out,was tired of being a family man,and just didn't know how to say it.
I use to respect him not wanting to go grocery shopping or the mall,ect...But then I started to get annoyed because he never wanted to be part of anything! I started to treat him like a child(which I still don't know if was right or not)this got him to be part of things.I didn't ask him if he wanted to do things,I demmanded he did things with us!!!
Then I was on an emotional roller coaster for years!
He would offend me,misunderstand things,anger easily.
And when he realized how much he had hurt me,he would try to hug me,and tell me he loved me!(five minutes before that he had almost wished my death!!!)
I have been through what you are going through plus some! And it is not easy.I wish I could recommend something that would cure him,and solve your problem.
But even if there was something,the emotional scars are there....There are things that are better unsaid,and that you can never take back.(which also applies to you,so I beg you,chose your words wisely)And each day that you go through feeling down,is a day you can never get back.
Kids suffer to see their mothers cry and feel hopeless.And I know it is easier said than done,but please try to cry in places that your kids won't see it!(I cry myself out in the shower,or when they are in bed)
Everyone has a purpose on this planet,some fullfill it sooner than others,some don't ever know what their purpose is to begin with! But when you have luggage this heavy,you get to realizing that everything happens for a reason.The lord works in mysterious ways.Maybe you and I were ment to be in these guys lives to be their back bone and help them walk through life. And though at times it may seem like it's to heavy a load,just remember
God doesn't give you a bigger bundle than you can handle....
I will send a prayer your way,and I hope that you can hold on......Good luck
Have a blessed day.....