how to save a marriage?

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/23/2008 6:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Since I cant afford the gas I'll stay home and look for some helpful hints.  I have hypomania-bipolar II mixed bipolar state.  Briefly I was diagnosed six months ago, and recieving both medical and Pdoc help and feeling great.  If i could get my marriage on track my life would be fantastic.  I was wondering if any of you have had my experience?  I was diagnosed after my wife said it was over.  I got help and turned many things around (I did it my recovery solo, no help, save my pdoc).  I have accepted my failure to her and asked for forgiveness.  We tried marriage counsuling 3 years ago before i was diagonsed.  Honestly I can't remember much of those meetings, I have a feeling that undiagonosed hypomania-depression (i was a master of going under Pdoc radar) may have affected any substansive changes. I also chalked up my (depression, ailments, lack of intimacy and clear thinking) condition to everything from sleep apnea to deslexia to "im just too tired".  My mind could not grasp my condition (lack of insight) ALL of this just put my wife over the top with frustration.
Is it posible that marriage counceling under those (pre-diagonses) circumstances would be ineffective?
I ask this because she said "we tried it before and it didnt work", maybe she is right!
I would like to try again at marriage counseling. 
How did YOU convince him or her to try ONE MORE TIME?
She has moved out and will not consider any reapproachment.  I have taken a complete hands off approach, I do not ask or pressure her about us. 
My Pdoc says I should grieve for my loss!  Maybe she is right! and I can do nothing to save my marriage.  We are faced with sever financial hardship, alot connected to my lavish spending on foriegn travel (a hypomania tendancy to spend money) I guess i am looking for some success stories (approachment) in how to save a marriage.  Im not ready to grieve yet! or move on.
Everyone have a great Memorial weekend

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 5/23/2008 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the board. I read your message and was wondering if your wife understands your condition now? Has she done any reading about your diagnosis and how it affects living? Maybe if she understood how much your condition affected and affects your lives, she would be more receptive to counseling again.

Hang in there.

"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/24/2008 12:35 AM (GMT -6)   
On this I am very perplexed. When i discovered my condition. I told her in person. she seemed unmoved. I emailed some information on my condition too! She didnt want me to send anymore on the subject. In her words "dont send me anymore (explative) on this"... There is maybe an explanation why she doesnt want to know....It is very frustrating. Hence my query. A woman's perspective would be helpful

Since my initial contact on my condition I have honored her request not to talk about my diagnoses. Her family and friends are not sure of (her response) either. I did consider a tryst, but this is highly unlikely. Like she said "I'm done" She meant it I guess. I am a realist, I can only fix myself I cant save her too. Looking for that unturned stone.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 5/24/2008 12:52 AM (GMT -6)   
I dont really wish to stray from the subject of this forum. My bipolar disorder is especially devasting to relationships. I suppose i just feel that I have been sleepwalking for nearly 20 years with this terrible condition. It has devasted my marriage in less than two years. It would be sad to end everything especially since I have recovered so much and with continued treatment I will survive no matter what. Just dont give up would be my hope for anyone in my place.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 5/24/2008 6:01 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi sam,

I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through. It was good that you e-mailed your wife some information about what you were diagnosed with. I'm sorry that she doesn't want to hear about it. I'm sure she has her own reasons.

It sounds like she has made herself perfectly clear that she doesn't want any further contact with you right now. I'd suggest honoring her request.  Maybe in time, she will be opened to have further discussions with you.

Continue with your wellness program on your own like you have been doing. It's serious business and I hope you continue to stay committed.


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/25/2008 12:00 PM (GMT -6)   
samoascookies, I will give it to you quickly from a wife's perspective who is also married to a BP man. There comes a point where the damage becomes too great. The anger and frustration, sorrow and pain, reaches a point of no return. From what you are sharing, your ex-wife has reached that point. Like I always say here, with or without treatment, with or without the success of treatment....the person with BP is still responsible for their actions and choices and behaviors. The sad part is that your dx did not come in time. As a woman who lives with a BP spouse, I will tell you from this side of the coin it is HARD. It wears you out. We have kids, and I have often felt that they have acted in some ways as the glue that has helped me hang in here because I think tearing apart their family is not something to be done lightly. Especially since my H's condition is on the milder side of the spectrum for BPII. If he had done the wild spending, the cheating, excessive verbal abuse, disappearing for days, the putting us in debt with high risk...etc... before would have then crossed the line for me (with any one of those) because then the kids stability was at risk. But mine is a good father. I do love him very much, but he is NOT easy to be married to a significant amount of the time. We are good working partners as parents, but the "marriage side" is very lonely for me. But, the longer we navigate these waters together (and it has been almost 7 years since dx, and the more responsible he becomes about attaching his behavior to the condition and becomes responsible to it, it is getting A LITTLE...and I do mean only A LITTLE bit easier. This life from a spouses side is VERY wearing and hard. You may have simply used up her good will before help for you came. And the best thing you can do for you both is to honor her decision, and focus on your wellness, grieve your loss, and move forward. If you are gaining wellness now, then your future should be bright with finding a new relationship sometime in the future that you will be successful at because you will have learned to manage your condition, the person will know what they are getting involved with as you will be up front and honest, and together you would learn to navigate it as a couple.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I hope hearing in some way does help you recognize the truth of what you are dealing with. Just go be a good man as an ex husband. Let her experience the changes in you for herself (hearing about them is not the same) by how you handle all this, and perhaps a friendship is possible down the line where you can wish each other well in life...and REALLY mean it. Wanting nothing but the best for each other. Keep up your work on you....THAT IS A GOOD THING. LFW
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