Pushing people away

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Mr.T
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 5/27/2008 5:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Everyone,
 
   I am back and actually doing very well with my new med regimine.  I have actually cut down on the lithium.  So That is a good thing.  Here is my problem and maybe others do the same.  I keep pushing people I care about away from me.  I can go to work, talk to customers and co workers and even joke around.  When I get home I don't want to speak to anyone.  I sit in the living room and just watch tv.  I never answer the home phone, but will answer my mobile if it is work related. My Housemate stays in the pool all evening and the only time I speak to him is when I intercom him to see what to order for dinner.  I haven't even spoke to my partner in 2-3 days.  He's either gone or doing something around the house and doesn't call or even say hello when I come home.  I guess that is what makes me mad.  Hello.  How was your day?   and listen.  That would be great, in the few occassions it does happen as soon as I start to tell him anout my day he starts a new topic and just doesn't care what I have to say.  I guess that is why it is just easier to say nothing.  Any ideas of how to handle this?  I don't really have any "friends" here, but maybe with my new job I will make some. We'll see.  Anyway, thanks for any suggestions.  Have a good day.

missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 5/27/2008 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I do that too sometimes. When I am having a bad day, I just won't talk to anyone except my baby and my husband. It is just easier that way and you don't have to concentrate on a conversation. But maybe I'm wrong here, it seems that your partner is more self-absorbed in their self in that they change the subject and don't listen to what you have to say. It doesn't sound like that is your fault but their fault. Have you tried talking about how that happens and how it makes you feel? I would try; they might not even know they are doing it. Hang in there. You will make new friends; it just takes time.

Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


Mr.T
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 5/27/2008 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Well I am glad to hear that I am not the only one.  I am sure there are more, but put it to something else.  Who knows.  I have spoke to my partner, but it is difficult first due to the language difference and second he doesn't know anything about my job so I guess it's boring or he doesn'y know what i am talking about.  I tried to explain it and took him to every site, but even that didn't work.  Just not interested in my day, but stays on the phone and goes out with his friends all of the time.  Ughhh.  I sound pathetic.  I guess I should try harder as well, but like I saud it's just easier to push them away.  Thanks for your input.

missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 5/28/2008 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Not pathetic at all. Like I said, I understand; it is so much easier to not talk to people when you are having a bad day. I have family and friends that I haven't spoken to in a while because I just can't concentrate to talk or I feel so bad that I just would rather not. Plus, I have friends who don't even want to understand my illness so talking about that is off limits too. I feel lonely sometimes. But with him not talking to you and going out and leaving you home alone, that isn't good. I really hope it doesn't end your relationship over time. I'm here to listen and talk anytime.

Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 5/28/2008 2:05 PM (GMT -7)   

mr t,

i do exactly the same thing as you.  i find it very painful.  i don't work anymore (i am permanently disabled with chronic debilitating back pain), so i don't even have the outlet of my co-workers as an outlet.  i actually miss those times, talking with my boss who was a physicist and a space pioneer talking about the early days of space exploration and how quantum physics tends to support many of my beliefs about metaphysics. 

now there's just my wife, my cat, and the lump of a dog that we share with our daughter.  my wife and i used to talk all of the time when i was working - of course i was usually home only about 3 days out of 5 for the first 25 years of our marriage.  then we were alone. TOGETHER.  we weren't horny teenagers, so we looked for other ways to "kindle" the light of our relationship.  it was difficult.  i had one major manic flareup about 20 yrs ago which almost separated us for good.  fortunately, she is a better person than i am and chose to continue to have a relationship with me.  frankly, after that episode i probably would have made another decision.  no explaining love, is there?  at least i'm blessed by being lucky in love!

my wife and i still argue and fight.  she knows when my depression is getting worse and helps me with it. she also can anticipate a manic episode and help bring me down.  she has kept me out of the hospital more times than i can count by being patient, loving, and, on many occasions, a real *****!  we have a control problem.  when i was working i was almost always "the boss" and had discretionary power over my people and their work.    the main constraint was that there are "set" procedures or ways of handling various systems developments.  when i had to improvise because we past the "state of the art," i figured it out and "darned be he who would say hold, enough!" (Hamlet, Act 5, sc.4?)   i can intimidate almost anyone with a look or a few well-chosen words.  i had one company Director, my boss, after a tirade argument, tell me that no one had spoken to him like that since his daddy."  I said, "you hadn't hired me and had the misfortune of crossing my decisions until now."  but i cannot intimidate my wife!  she just knows me too well!  i managed to get to her once after she attacked me too viciously.  she never lets me forget the hurtful words i said back in self-defence.  i also realize that i have chronic depression and bp and that i take some very heavy duty pain medication.  this combination, alone, fuzzes up my brain so that i can't think clearly.  i also found out last week that i have severe sleep apnea and have been suffering from oxygen deprivation all of my life.  no wonder that i sometimes explode!

i've given you a mind dump in the hopes that some of it may be applicable to your situation and may be of some help to you.  i've learned that you and i may want to live without people.  but we can't. 

bon chance!

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


Mr.T
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 5/28/2008 5:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks guys,  it always helps knowing I can come here and have someone to talk to and I do take in all of your advice.  I especially liked the saying that we may want to live alone, but can't.  It really is true.  I just have to try a bit harder to communicate with loved ones and not be so stubborn and put up all of the walls.

I do have good news though.  At the days end of work my boss asked if he and Poo(the sales manager) could stop by for a coupl of drinks and discuss some business.  This is the first time I have had anyone come over in a long time.  So right after work they followed me home to chat. Thank God I have a maid so the house was clean.  I had a really nice time even though it was business it was different for me.  Then they asked me to join them for dinner.  I really had a good night.  I am really glad I changedjobs and hope that thiss will help me out in more ways than one.  Thanks again


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 5/28/2008 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Mr. T,

Wow...what a huge difference from your last job! I'm glad you changed jobs too!  It's so nice to hear that your feeling so good with the med change and getting along so well with your new co-workers.

I'm glad that you had such a good time and are making new friends and going out. I'm sure this is making you feel so good that I bet your partner is going to be very inquisitive about what's going on with you. Maybe you're on the road of discovering new things for yourself and your partner will see the change and be very happy for you and want to sit down and communicate more with you.

I think sometimes when we are feeling low our partners sometimes don't know how to approach us in the way that we need. I think it is easier for them to communicate with us when we are feeling better about our life.

I hope that everything continues to look up for you. Hopefully this latest med change coupled with your new job is a great turning point for you.

(((Hugs)))


PTY in Alaska
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/29/2008 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I'm new here; but just want to say that I do that all the time. I haven't been diagnosed with bp yet, but have a doc appointment tomorrow.. i'm pretty sure I am, after all that I've read it actually click and thank God, because I know this is serious, but at least it can explain my mood swings, craziness and depressions.

However, ever since I was in highschool, when I came home, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I still don't want to talk to anyone after a busy day. I spend the entire day thinking on doing something nice to my husband when he comes home, and as soon as he walks down the hall into the house, boom, i say something nasty to him! It skinks... he doesn't deserve that! So far, my son is the only one that get the best out of me all the time.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/29/2008 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi PTY,

Welcome to HealingWell. Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. When you find out, start a New Topic and tell us how it went. (That way we don't take over Mr. T's thread.)

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 5/30/2008 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Mr. T,

I am glad that you are feeling better, and that your new job is going well. You sound like you are doing real well, I guess the job change has done you a lot of good.

Don't worry you are not the only one who is a recluse from time to time, I get that way sometimes. I guess it really depends on my moods. But I think it is a normal thing, BP or not.

Again, I am happy for you that things are going well.
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator

Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.


Mr.T
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 133
   Posted 5/30/2008 10:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks all,

I do feel better with the change of jobs. It was a step in the right direction, at least so far. I still rather be alone and maybe that will take some time to change.  I actually went to a local restaurant the other day and had a couple glasses of wine and spoke with the owner.,  It was a nice change of pace.  I guess sometimes I get stuck in a rut and it doesn't matter what I do it doesn't help and know I am going in the other direction.  I sure hope it lasts.

My only problem is that I have to lie about my problem, but that just makes it easier on me.  Not so many questions or judgements.  I don't like to lie but honestly I guess I have done it all my life for one reason or another.  Sometimes I just can't face the facts or don't want to get in trouble or yelled at.  Most of the time I look back and see that there was no need to lie and.  I really need to learn how to contront problems and not be so scared of what "may" happen.  Wow. That was a bit of a downer, but I still feel good about life in general.  Much more than I could say before. Thanks again for the support.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/31/2008 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I bet most of us lie, or at least don't exactly tell the truth, when it comes to our condition most of the time. That's part of the trouble of having such a stigmatized condition. So few people understand exactly what bipolar is that they equate it with "crazy". Trying to explain is just so much trouble.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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