i do exactly the same thing as you. i find it very painful. i don't work anymore (i am permanently disabled with chronic debilitating back pain), so i don't even have the outlet of my co-workers as an outlet. i actually miss those times, talking with my boss who was a physicist and a space pioneer talking about the early days of space exploration and how quantum physics tends to support many of my beliefs about metaphysics.
now there's just my wife, my cat, and the lump of a dog that we share with our daughter. my wife and i used to talk all of the time when i was working - of course i was usually home only about 3 days out of 5 for the first 25 years of our marriage. then we were alone. TOGETHER. we weren't horny teenagers, so we looked for other ways to "kindle" the light of our relationship. it was difficult. i had one major manic flareup about 20 yrs ago which almost separated us for good. fortunately, she is a better person than i am and chose to continue to have a relationship with me. frankly, after that episode i probably would have made another decision. no explaining love, is there? at least i'm blessed by being lucky in love!
my wife and i still argue and fight. she knows when my depression is getting worse and helps me with it. she also can anticipate a manic episode and help bring me down. she has kept me out of the hospital more times than i can count by being patient, loving, and, on many occasions, a real *****! we have a control problem. when i was working i was almost always "the boss" and had discretionary power over my people and their work. the main constraint was that there are "set" procedures or ways of handling various systems developments. when i had to improvise because we past the "state of the art," i figured it out and "darned be he who would say hold, enough!" (Hamlet, Act 5, sc.4?) i can intimidate almost anyone with a look or a few well-chosen words. i had one company Director, my boss, after a tirade argument, tell me that no one had spoken to him like that since his daddy." I said, "you hadn't hired me and had the misfortune of crossing my decisions until now." but i cannot intimidate my wife! she just knows me too well! i managed to get to her once after she attacked me too viciously. she never lets me forget the hurtful words i said back in self-defence. i also realize that i have chronic depression and bp and that i take some very heavy duty pain medication. this combination, alone, fuzzes up my brain so that i can't think clearly. i also found out last week that i have severe sleep apnea and have been suffering from oxygen deprivation all of my life. no wonder that i sometimes explode!
i've given you a mind dump in the hopes that some of it may be applicable to your situation and may be of some help to you. i've learned that you and i may want to live without people. but we can't.
Thanks guys, it always helps knowing I can come here and have someone to talk to and I do take in all of your advice. I especially liked the saying that we may want to live alone, but can't. It really is true. I just have to try a bit harder to communicate with loved ones and not be so stubborn and put up all of the walls.
I do have good news though. At the days end of work my boss asked if he and Poo(the sales manager) could stop by for a coupl of drinks and discuss some business. This is the first time I have had anyone come over in a long time. So right after work they followed me home to chat. Thank God I have a maid so the house was clean. I had a really nice time even though it was business it was different for me. Then they asked me to join them for dinner. I really had a good night. I am really glad I changedjobs and hope that thiss will help me out in more ways than one. Thanks again
Hey Mr. T,
Wow...what a huge difference from your last job! I'm glad you changed jobs too! It's so nice to hear that your feeling so good with the med change and getting along so well with your new co-workers.
I'm glad that you had such a good time and are making new friends and going out. I'm sure this is making you feel so good that I bet your partner is going to be very inquisitive about what's going on with you. Maybe you're on the road of discovering new things for yourself and your partner will see the change and be very happy for you and want to sit down and communicate more with you.
I think sometimes when we are feeling low our partners sometimes don't know how to approach us in the way that we need. I think it is easier for them to communicate with us when we are feeling better about our life.
I hope that everything continues to look up for you. Hopefully this latest med change coupled with your new job is a great turning point for you.
I do feel better with the change of jobs. It was a step in the right direction, at least so far. I still rather be alone and maybe that will take some time to change. I actually went to a local restaurant the other day and had a couple glasses of wine and spoke with the owner., It was a nice change of pace. I guess sometimes I get stuck in a rut and it doesn't matter what I do it doesn't help and know I am going in the other direction. I sure hope it lasts.
My only problem is that I have to lie about my problem, but that just makes it easier on me. Not so many questions or judgements. I don't like to lie but honestly I guess I have done it all my life for one reason or another. Sometimes I just can't face the facts or don't want to get in trouble or yelled at. Most of the time I look back and see that there was no need to lie and. I really need to learn how to contront problems and not be so scared of what "may" happen. Wow. That was a bit of a downer, but I still feel good about life in general. Much more than I could say before. Thanks again for the support.