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Tuff love
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 5/29/2008 9:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Intro:
Wife of 11 years has been diagnosed with BP. Currently, she is on the wave of trials to get the doses right...man this is tough.

At least before the waves were tolerable, my father was an alcoholic so I know how deal with a rollercoaster relationship....

Now that the wife is on meds though, it was great the first 2 weeks. the kids and I noticed a HUGE difference, no anger waves and we had no fights!

Lately though, its just been tough....really tough...she is back in this anger wave and has been for a while. Her pdoc knows and is still adjusting her doses. We have also been seening a marriage counelor for 2 years.

My main thing is this, I know when she is going through the anger wave, she knows it too. BUT....I am the main focus of her anger and do not know how to respond to her. no matter what I say, how i say it, she gets on defense and bites my head off. I usually keep my responses VERY SHORT (1 to 3 words) or just nod my head and agree with her.

Funny thing is when I agree with her, she bites back and asks if I am mocking her. I dont joke with her when I respond. I am very monotone and quiet.

its just hard for me and the kids walking on eggshells until she is off this high.

Well, I am off to reading other threads and am looking forward to meeting new people here.

So if anyone can offer tips on how to respond to somone with BP when they are going through their anger phase, that would be great. Thanks all.

Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 5/29/2008 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Tuff

I'm Krista/Georgie Girl and have been on this site for around three weeks.  I AM the bipolar wife (diagnosed bipolar I mixed severe with psychotic features but currently under control).  I don't have the anger aspect to my bipolar condition though.  I put my dear husband through plenty of other stuff though. (Sleeping 20 hours a day;not knowing who or where I was for 13 days; being suicidal....)

Sounds like you are very supportive and understanding.  I wish you didn't have to deal with the anger.

This is a great, supportive site; some members will be more help than me.  I just want to welcome and encourage you.

 

 


Georgie Girl


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 5/29/2008 11:29 AM (GMT -7)   

Tuff Love,

Welcome aboard! I have bipolar and a husband with children.

I have bouts of anger episodes as well. Most of the time it doesn't take much to trigger them. When they first started it always meant a medication adjustment. Now that I have been dealing with bi-polar for quite some time, one on one therapy has helped me a lot. Through my therapy sessions I was taught how to handle my anger in more healthy ways and that takes lots of discipline!

A lot of the time, I just bite my tongue or walk away from stressful situations and concentrate on something else. Sometimes I'll admit, I just can't do that and usually regret the way that I have behaved or said something. Try not to take things personally. I would usually lash out at anyone that was near me...and they didn't deserve that.

One thing that always gets me to think twice is when I'm lashing out at my husband (who is usually a easy target because he totally understands my mood changes and will usually not hold me accountable) is when he says back to me, that he doesn't deserve how I am speaking to him and that he isn't going to put up with it or live the rest of his life this way, ...the way I treat him! It get's me angry when he says that and I usually tell him where he can go then....but it really does affect me when he says this instantly! I slow down and think about what he has said and realize that it is true and that I better back off! The repetiveness of the outburts is enough to drive any spouse crazy!!! And when he says it...I know he means it (he's been through enough with me). So, I take him quite seriously now!

I hope this helps.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/29/2008 7:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tuff love,

Welcome to HealingWell. I hope we can help you out a bit and provide you with some community to boot.

How does your wife respond to discussions about the anger when her mood is calm? Does she know she has an anger problem? Can you discuss it with her?

With my husband, most of the time he lets my tirades go right on by him, but occasionally he can't and we get into it. He tries to bring me back to reality -- "You're not really even angry at me, you're just angry." or he'll ask me what's REALLY bugging me, because it's often not about whatever thing I'm yelling about. If necessary, he'll even walk away and leave me alone. But he and I have talked about how unreasonable I can be when I'm in a mood and I know the difference (after years of working on it) between yelling at him because he's legitimately done something I feel really angry about and yelling at him because he happens to be there.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Tuff love
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 5/30/2008 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   
I can talk to her about her anger, but she fires back that its not all about her. I am at odds at that point because it makes me think, maybe I did something to trigger this. Its just tough to communicate at times.

last night I was kinda of smarty and said to her "look, my zodiac sign may be a pisces, but I am not talking your bait.." She kinda laughed at that, but it did end the conversation. She seems to go into this whirlwind of anger and she doesnt stop talking. Its real fast and angry....at times it overwhelms me and I just walk away (which I found out is not always good), but I just dont know how to respond.

i am going with her on her next appt and talk to her pdoc. The problem I see is my wife will tell me things like, "I know you want these pills to fix me." or "I know you think i am broken." --- That couldnt be further from the truth and I hate when she says this to me. I dont know if she really thinks this way about me or if she is trying to trigger an arguement.

I know the pills wont fix her, they are going to help her deal with her mood swings. I never ever said I thought she was broken. I just cant get into that arguement when it starts. So, i figured i will wait until we are at her appt.

its tough, but I know we will get through this. We also see a marriage counselor as well. I am going to see her by myself next week. it will be good to get this off my chest :)

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/30/2008 10:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Both going to her appointment with her and seeing the counselor on your own sound like good ideas. Ask the counselor how to approach your wife when she gets angry, she'll probably have good tips for you.

I think your wife would like to hear you say that you don't think she is broken. Those are clearly her fears -- either fears she holds about herself or fears she holds about your feelings about her. In a calm moment, can you revisit the topic gently and tell her you absolutely don't think those things?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Tuff love
New Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 5/30/2008 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
serafena, good idea. When we have some quiet time (tough with 3 kids...lol), I will mention it to her. I am also going to tell her the improvements I have seen. I just try to be as positive as I can.

Post Edited (Tuff love) : 5/30/2008 2:19:43 PM (GMT-6)


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/30/2008 5:38 PM (GMT -7)   
TL, when I came to HW about a year ago, I sounded much like you. Somewhat of a burned out spouse seeking a place I could open up, ask my questions, learn from those who have come before me, and a place I could fully say what I mean and not have to edit myself - as I must do a lot here at home. I am the wife and mother to BP II's, both RR. My S is also ADHD. My H and I also have a total of 3 kids, and we have been married 16.5 years. It has not be an easy road, but like you, I love my spouse. Since being on HW, I am doing better with my coping skills due to the honest nature of what those with BP have shared with me. It has helped a lot. I also stopped feeling so alone. You may want to go back for some "light reading" - LOL, and look up some of my posts. They are filled with similar issues you bring up (so you will see what you are going through is in many ways universal for us spouses), and will be filled with lots of wonderful information from others.

It sounds like you are on the right track to figure things out and help calm your environment down. I totally get the "hold your tongue" and "egg shells" life...so just hang in there. You are not alone!!! LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 5/31/2008 4:59:11 PM (GMT-6)

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