no more running

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Mauicharlie
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/6/2008 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 10 or 11 and prescribed lithium. I took it for a month but it didn't seem to help my condition and had harsh side effects. That was the first and last time I sought professional help (or should I say my mom did). For thirty years now I've been running away and self medicating. Both with poor results ( troubles with school, divorce, loss of custody of my son, DUI, no long term friends, years of isolation from my family, etc ad infinitum). Well, I ended up here in paradise and you would think that would be enough to keep away that never ending funk. Its not... The first few years were tolerable although pretty disfunctional (but what's new...). Last august I lost my good friend and golf buddy to lung cancer. I fell into a deep depression and could hardly get out of bed for a month (because of that my girlfriend kicked me out). He also left a widow who suffered a stroke about three years ago and cannot manage by herself and a 14 year old son. Needing a place to stay myself and no one stepping up to help his family, I decided to move in with them and run the household. Its been tough. Dealing with work (I'm a general contractor, which is a stressful occupation to start with) and the extra burden of caring for a disabled person and an adolesent teen have been overwhelming. In the last few months my drinking has gotten out of contol trying to mute the anxiety and escape the depression (I do understand this behavior is counter productive but I did it anyway - just another wrong choice). Last week I had an encounter with law enforcement (alcohol involved) which ended me up in a rubber room experiencing a complete breakdown involving thoughts of harming myself. My friend and attorney also suffers from bipolar disorder. When I filled him in about my history, he immediatly sent me to his doctor (he actually made the call for me). I went to the appointment and she prescribed trazodone. I have just begun taking it and haven't noticed anything yet except vivid and kind of spooky dreams. I also thought that finding people with similar challenges would be helpful. So here I am. I don't have much experience facing this thing and dealing with it head on but I cant continue to live the way I have been. I'm tired of hurting and am willing to go to any length to be well.

Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 6/6/2008 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
welcome to the board,, you will find it be helpful. especially ifyou have questions about drugs. you take for Bipolar and reading the posts you  to see others cope with Bipolar.........
 
Caren--Bipolar 1

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/6/2008 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mauicharlie,

It's good to have you. Welcome to HealingWell. It's good to hear you've decided to face the illness head on instead on running around it all the time. It's hard to make that jump sometimes, and if you're having any trouble coping with just being bp, hop online and let us have it. Keep us updated about the trazodone. I hope that helps. Just like with the lithium though, back when you were a boy, the first try isn't always the right drug. Sometimes it takes two or three tries to find a medication that helps, so if the trazodone doesn't work, don't give up. There's a jillion psych drugs for us to work with -- something's going to help, it's just a matter of finding it.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Mauicharlie
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/6/2008 11:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the encouragement guys. It made me feel good when I read your words today. Rest assured I'll be here plenty. I'm sure I'm going to need some help through this transition.

Charlie

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 6/7/2008 11:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome Charlie,

Gosh, I'm sorry you had to go through so much growing up and your recent life struggles! You've been through a lot of rough times. But I'm so glad that you are finally able to start getting the treatment that you need.

I'm so proud that you're catching on to the right way to handle things. You have a very good friend and I hope he will be an excellent support person for you along with us here.

I've been on trazadone for a long time. I understand about the dreams. Those will get less intense as time goes by. Remember what serafena explained to you about all of the medication options that are out there to treat bipolar. Many times we need a combination of drugs to feel better and that is why it is very important to keep all of your psychiatric appointments and keep her well informed of any difficulties you are dealing with.

Most bipolars also incorporate therapy sessions as part of their wellness program. You've been through a lot, perhaps this will help you to continue to move forward in a healthy way.

Good Luck, I wish you all the best.


Mauicharlie
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/8/2008 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Sukay. I really appriciate the advice and support you all are providing. I'm so used to finding excuses or just blaming myself for the effects of this disorder. It feels odd acknowleging that it might be something that is beyond my individual control. It is truly refreshing to be able to lean on someone else and pursue a constructive course managing this thing.

My next appt is on Wed. The problem I have is communicating everything I need to in just an hour with the doc. I start talking about all that has past and all that I face, and I realize what a mess I am. It seems that as soon as I start talking, times up and it feels incomplete. I'm not used to the theraputic process and worry that I'm not doing all I can to help myself get well. I know I should be patient and allow the process to take its course but after so long dealing with confusion, frustration, blame and hopelessness I see a light at the end of the tunnel and want to be there now. (deep breath)

I guess I am making progress... This is anxiety. I wouldn't have recognized it as such before. I always attributed this feeling to self doubt, fear of failing or guilt from nonperformance. Guess I'm a little manic this morning....

Anyway, I'm willing to work to be better and you guys are a real asset. Thank you...

Charlie
.
"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them: "HOLD ON!"

Rudyard Kipling


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 6/8/2008 1:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Charlie,

I understand how you feel. Do you see a therapist for your talk sessions or does your pdoc provide that as well? When I first started my therapy sessions I was going every week and I still felt like you...incomplete, not enough time. How often do you go?

The more I went, I started to feel like I was really making some progress. It's hard to talk about everything in 1 hour but hang in there, eventually you will feel like you are making some progress.

I have been seeing my therapist for about 7 years now (every 2 weeks and weekly when things start to get a little hairy for me) and I still have things that I need to talk about.

You are making progress. Perhaps you can ask your doctor for a list of some bi-polar support groups in your area if you think you might be interested in something like that. We are always here too.

Keep us posted on how your visit goes this Wednesday.

Take care.

 


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/8/2008 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   

charlie,

may i be the last person to welcome you to HW and this forum?  lol

therapy sessions are like precious stones:  not to be wasted.  when i was working and the dinosaurs roamed the earth, i usually had about a million things to get done each day.  i personally found that making a list and prioritizing the events helped keep me on track.  some things never did get done.  oh, well. 

i take this same anal retentive attitude with me when i see a therapist.  there are a lot of things in my life that are "incomplete" and that may stay that way until i pass on to the next ring of existence.  oh, well.  i have found that only one, and sometimes two, events can be adequately discussed in the 50-minute hour.  it's like teaching or giving a speech.  if you can get one major point across, you've done well.

hope this helps.  standing on one foot while kicking yourself on the arse with the other one is not a good way of moving forward.

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


Mauicharlie
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/8/2008 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm laughing my a** off Warren! And I want to thank you for that. The visual was something else.
Started off a little tweaky this morning and went into a funk right about lunch time. I hadent been able to shake it till I got home and read that. Owe you one...

Right now I'm seeing my pdoc one a week for an hour. It dosent seem time enough but I know its a process so I should just chill. This, I guess, is like that feeling everything at once thing. Sometimes I forget the best way to eat an elephant --- one bite at a time.

Thank you guys again. You are making a difference for me. And I appriciate it very much.

Charlie
.
"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them: "HOLD ON!"

Rudyard Kipling

"thats the way the world goes round. one day your up the next your down. Half an inch a water and you think your gonna drown. thats the way the world goes round."

John Prine


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 6/8/2008 8:19 PM (GMT -7)   
LMBO tongue yeah
 
Warren said, " standing on one foot while kicking yourself on the arse with the other one is not a good way of moving forward."
 
Warren, this is so true and I love the way you said it!
 
I'm writing this down...I want to remember this! Very well put!
~sukay~
 Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/15/2008 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
gee, guys, didn't know i was so smart and funny. lol. glad i finally, after 62 years, said something worth while.

warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 

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