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missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 6/12/2008 11:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I can't stop crying.  I have cried all morning and wished that I could die.  My unborn has been kicking like crazy as if he is telling me that mommy I want to live.  And I want him to live but I want to die.  I feel so very alone; so very alone.  I hurt so bad inside.  All I can do is cry.  My mom took my daughter down to her house so she could watch her while I go to the doctor.  She initially said that my dad could watch her while she took me but I nexed that idea because he isn't always safety cautious.  He forgets that she is a 10 month old and not a five year old.  I have seen him in action and been glad that me and mom have been there to catch things.  Anyway I balled like a baby when she left with her as if I may never see her again.  I am losing my mind!!!!  I can't stop crying; the tear just won't stop.  I hurt so much inside right now.  I feel so empty!!!!!  I just wail!!!!  I haven't been like this in years.  I wasn't like this with my first pregnancy.  It has been four years since I have been this low.  It is terrifying.  Oh, I hope I can live through this.  I just want the pain to stop.
Help me.  I see my doc at 2:00.
 
Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/12/2008 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay, I am going to make the arguments for you going back on your meds, so I hope you'll forgive me if it's not what you want to hear. The one thing everyone said to me when I was trying to decide whether or not to stay on my meds while I was pregnant was that if the mother wasn't healthy, the baby couldn't thrive either. You are dangerously depressed and having thoughts of death. Maybe you're not suicidal yet, but you're on that path, and that's scary. There's no way a baby can grow healthy if his mom is not capable of even taking care of herself. Your daily routine is impossible for you right now -- you can't manage to take care of yourself, let alone your first baby. YOU NEED BACK UP. It's fantastic you have your family there to help, but the medication can help take some of the pain away and let you get some of your life back again.

Is it scary? Yes. Is it potentially dangerous for the baby? It's hard to say. You're through the first trimester, right? That's the main thing. If you've been taking your vitamins all along and getting lots of folic acid, then the odds are in your favor that everything is going to be all right anyway. My docs told me the drugs could affect the developing neural pathways and the folic acid blocked that effect, making it alright. My daughter is fine. In fact, she's smart as a whip. I took lamictal and prozac all the way through my pregnancy, scared, but much more scared of getting hopelessly depressed and suicidal while carrying a baby. No one seeing the state you're in would want you to keep pushing through it.

You're strong enough to take whatever comes your way, Missflip. But you also need to know when to draw the line and say, okay, I need to get some help here. I vote you go back on your drugs. I know it's not my business, but I'm worried about you. ((((Big hugs))))

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 6/12/2008 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh dear, missflip, I am so sorry you feel so bad.  Although I haven't been pregnant for 30 years, I do suffer from severe anxiety which is like physical pain so I understand what you are feeling.  I think you must strongly consider medication to deal with your condition.   You must take care of yourself first or you can't take care of baby #1 OR baby #2. 

Keep talking to us.

Krista

 


Georgie Girl


missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 6/12/2008 5:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Today my pdoc put me back on Tegretol, 100 mg three times a day and ativan when needed. Of course, I am still taking Seroquel 400 mg at night to help me sleep. He asked me if I needed to go to the hospital but I told him no with a promise that if I did I would call him; and I would. I have still continued to cry all day and am still crying. I just feel so lost and as if I can't do this. I hurt so badly.

Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty

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