Okay, I am going to make the arguments for you going back on your meds, so I hope you'll forgive me if it's not what you want to hear. The one thing everyone said to me when I was trying to decide whether or not to stay on my meds while I was pregnant was that if the mother wasn't healthy, the baby couldn't thrive either. You are dangerously depressed and having thoughts of death. Maybe you're not suicidal yet, but you're on that path, and that's scary. There's no way a baby can grow healthy if his mom is not capable of even taking care of herself. Your daily routine is impossible for you right now -- you can't manage to take care of yourself, let alone your first baby. YOU NEED BACK UP. It's fantastic you have your family there to help, but the medication can help take some of the pain away and let you get some of your life back again.
Is it scary? Yes. Is it potentially dangerous for the baby? It's hard to say. You're through the first trimester, right? That's the main thing. If you've been taking your vitamins all along and getting lots of folic acid, then the odds are in your favor that everything is going to be all right anyway. My docs told me the drugs could affect the developing neural pathways and the folic acid blocked that effect, making it alright. My daughter is fine. In fact, she's smart as a whip. I took lamictal and prozac all the way through my pregnancy, scared, but much more scared of getting hopelessly depressed and suicidal while carrying a baby. No one seeing the state you're in would want you to keep pushing through it.
You're strong enough to take whatever comes your way, Missflip. But you also need to know when to draw the line and say, okay, I need to get some help here. I vote you go back on your drugs. I know it's not my business, but I'm worried about you. ((((Big hugs))))
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum