Why does this bother me so much?

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twisted71
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 136
   Posted 6/14/2008 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I have a group on cafemom and a couple of people didn't like a certain post I wrote and two people left the group because of it.  One of them said that my post was racist.  which it wasn't.  I don't even know these people but it has sent me into more of a depression than I was already in today.  So my question is, why does it bother me so much?  Is it the bipolar or just my personality or what?  I hate feeling like this.  I hate it when I get depressed because people may not like me or may be upset with me.  especially people I don't even know personally.  Can someone help me? 
AJL
 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/14/2008 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   
That's a bummer. That would depress me too. No, I don't think that's the bipolar or even just you being especially sensitive. That sounds like a really unpleasant situation that you were in the middle of. I would feel bad too. I'm sorry that had to happen. Is there any chance of explaining yourself or airing your feelings in a way that lets you try and feel better while bridging the gap between the people who misunderstood your intent?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 6/14/2008 10:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Twisted, feeling bad in a situation like you are describing is normal bp or not. The fact is, when we do something innocently, and it comes back completely misinterpreted to our intention...we're left with a feeling that we have done something wrong all of a sudden. Then guilt and fear sets in about what others now think of us. I am not bp, and have experienced similar moments. I know for me, shear fear sets in, total guilt, and then I feel pissed that I am being so unfairly responded to. As I write this, I realize that at times, it is the same feelings I get when my H misinterprets what I may say, or do, and then chastises me for it. I end up feeling helpless, because it couldn't have been farther from what I was thinking or feeling at the time. And I feel yelled at for no reason. So, all I can recommend to do is try to explain what was meant, recognize that perhaps I could have communicated what I meant better (the piece for me to learn from for the future), or recognize that after I explain, if there is STILL an issue, I must leave it to the other persons problem. I can apologize for saying something that may of inadvertently offended or hurt someone, or my H, humbly state that it was NEVER my intention, explain more clearly what I may have meant....but then....I've got to let it go. Because in reality, I know myself well enough to know that how it is being interpreted somehow also fell on another's issues, and I am not responsible for those. Does any of that make sense?

A few months back, my niece was visiting with us for a few days (she now lives across the country from us). While with us, she met her half sister for the first time face to face. It was quite amazing how much the two girls looked alike. Her mom (my SIL) asked me to describe the similarities and differences to her. I innocently and sweetly said, "aside from the acne and blue hair (my niece had severe acne- the 1/2 sister had flawless skin - and my niece had blue hair as it was dyed in streaks of bright blue), "they totally looked alike in both features and body type, height...etc. You could see them as sisters". Now, mind you, I told my SIL this privately, NOT my niece. It was said from a descriptive standpoint to answer her question, NOT from any judgment. But several days later my SIL wrote me an e-mail ranting about how rude I was, how insensitive to have said such a MEAN and TERRIBLE HURTFUL thing - that she was sure I couldn't have desired to be so mean, but she felt the need to tell me how much it had bothered her ever since I said it. - I was then stunned by this. I would never have reacted like this if someone acknowledged an issue with my child (as they have many times), as if it had been said about myself. But, she did. My acknowledging my nieces acne apparently was devastating to my SIL, even though I NEVER said anything to my niece except how beautiful she is. My point here is that all I could do was explain my motivation for saying what I said, thanking her for giving me the opportunity to clarify my intention for her, and apologize that something I said innocently, had upset her so. NOW...it still bothers me that she had such a silly reaction over this IMO, because really....aren't there more important things in life to take issue with? But, in the end, it was, what it was and when it comes back to bug me that I feel accused of something mean that I feel I didn't do....I just have to let it go again and move on. I know I am not going to change my SIL from being SO oversensitive about things. But I can learn in the future to recognize the possibility of how she will interpret things, and I can edit the things I say to her from now on to avoid these things on inconsequential stuff.

Hope that helps put things in perspective for you. Remember, you have a choice how much to let this bother you or not. Take steps to feel you responsibly explained yourself, apologize for offending anyone - that it was certainly not your intent, and then...let it GO! Because that is all you can really do. Good wishes to you Twisted. LFW

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/15/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   

twisted,

if i had a dime for every time i innocently said something that was misinterpreted and hurt someone else's feelings, i wouldn't have to worry about my ssd check arriving on time!  we all do it.  it's part of the human condition.

when people are native speakers of the same language, they filter each word and syntactic element through their individual, idiosyncratic, background.  this includes their ethnic and social heritage, their religious heritage, ... it goes on and on.  we operate in an area known as "the common core of shared meaning" which is where elements of the speaker's heritage overlap the listener's heritage.  this is a relatively narrow spectrum and it's a wonder that any of us can understand each other.

each and every person (except me, of course) operates socially in a context of wanting to be accepted and recognized as being "part of the group."  your sil denied you this space.  it hurts. 

would i go back and try to make nice?  i'm, as you know, "different."  but the suggestion of laying all of the cards on the table and clearing up the misunderstanding, at least in theory, provides room for growth.

hope this helps.

warren


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


twisted71
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 136
   Posted 6/16/2008 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the replies guys.  I did have a little chat with the woman in email and let her know that I definately wasn't being racist.  She said my email feel better about it.  So then I felt a little better about it.  And your replies helped too.

AJL
 
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

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