Wife a a bipolar person

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rachelbranch
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/25/2008 1:01 PM (GMT -7)   
I couldn't figure out how to add to the other page, so I guess I started a new one. I came to this site because I really need support. I am 25 years old and have been married for 6 years. I was 19 and he was 25 when we got married. Over the course of our marriage, we have had so many upheavals and it's a miracle that our marriage is still together. I didn't know that he was bipolar when we got married, and maybe it hadn't developed yet, but he has become a completely different person. I know I've changed, too, as I have become hopeless and jaded at times. I really try to remain hopeful and positive, but sometimes I fall apart. This is one of those times for me. about 3 years ago I found out that he got fired from his job because he outright asked some customers if they wanted to have sex. They obviously said no, so nothing ever happened. He told me about it a few days later and I fell apart at my very core. My world came crashing down around me and God was the only one who could help me. At that time, we didn't know he was bipolar. He told those closest to us what had happened I think as a way of punishing himself. I blamed myself and we moved on. I was trying to put things back together and there's so much more that happened in between, but then a few months ago my brother got divorced in a really heart-breaking situation. We were all distraught except for my husband who seemed very flippant about it and said maybe we should get divorced, too. At this time he was completely volatile and I never knew what he was going to do or say. I felt like I was going crazy. Then it turns out he wrote a "love-letter" email to my ex-sister-in-law confessing his extreme attraction to her, etc. Me and her had been friends for a long time, even before she married my brother. She told me about it. My husband acted like he hadn't done anything wrong, it was perfectly natural in his opinion that he would feel that way. I understand being attracted to someone, but acting on it in that way especially considering the situation? He didn't care about our relationship he said and couldn't care less what I did or didn't do. I moved out for 3 months, then I felt like I wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet. I wasn't joking around when I took my vows. I've been back for about three months now. He was diagnosed bipolar and is on medication. I feel extremely depressed right now. I'm 25 and I feel like my life is over. I feel like I made a grave mistake when I got married, although I prayed so much before-hand that I was making the right decision. I hate coming home. There is such a cloud of doom hanging over us. We are alienated from my family because he refuses to apologize to my brother. I feel isolated, alone, and hopeless. I feel that I've lived so many lifetimes at such a young age. I have given up hope of ever pursuing my dreams or finding joy again. I can distract myself throughout the day with work, etc., but at the end of the day I have to come back to my hopeless situation. And I still love him. And I feel so sorry for him. I guess I've said enough, but if anyone has any words of encouragement they would be much appreciated.

Georgie Girl
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 319
   Posted 6/25/2008 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Rachel
 
Your husband is lucky to have such a loyal and loving woman in his life.  You are very special to be giving this another try, despite what difficulties it is putting you through.
 
Continue to support him as long as he's making an effort to be well but please put your own mental health first - or you can't do him any good. 
 
My husband would agree with you that being married to a person with bipolar disorder is not easy.
 
Take care.

Krista
Georgie Girl


Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 6/25/2008 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
 Welcome to the board, and I am sorry that you have gone through so much.....
 
 
 
 Caren -Bipolar1-- Zyprexa 5 mgs.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/25/2008 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Rachelbranch,

Welcome to HealingWell and to our board. I hope we can offer the support you are looking for here.

It sounds like your marriage is in very serious trouble and the only thing holding it together right now is your will. Would you say that was true? Bipolars, unmedicated and manic can do some truly awful things, and I'm sorry you've had to live through a few of them. That you stay with him is a testament to your strength. But whether that is really the best thing for you in the long run is something you may need to really consider. I'm sure you have, but I mean you need to consider it from the point of view of someone married to a bipolar husband.

You don't tell us much about your husband's bipolar. It sounds fairly severe. How long has he been diagnosed and what kind of medical regimen is he on? Does he follow it? Does he get violent or resistant about it?

When I say you need to consider your marriage from the point of view of someone married to a bipolar husband, I say this as someone who is bipolar. Marriage to bipolars is not easy. I have a fairly mild form of the disorder and I still can make my husband absolutely nuts. This is not the last time your husband will do this, no matter what he tells you, because his sexual impulses are a manifestation of his disorder. Only if he is properly medicated and strictly committed to your marriage and his wellness is he going to be able to keep his behavior in check. But from what you write, he sounds like he is less committed to your marriage than you are, and that's a bad sign. Both of you need to be on the same page in terms of managing the bipolar and his behavior or you're just going to have more heartache coming your way.

So, it's VERY important that you take care of yourself first. Yes he has an illness. But it's an illness that is manageable if he chooses. You can only do so much. You have to do some hard thinking about how much heartache you're willing to put up with in one marriage.

Good luck to you.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


rachelbranch
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/25/2008 11:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to thank you all so much for responding. It brought tears to my eyes to read what y'all wrote, even if it didn't seem like much to you. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. My mom talked me into seeking some kind of a support group because she is the only one I can talk to about all this. There are so may aspects to this situation that are so hard to explain in a few words. The only things holding me in this relationship are my faith in God and my deep love for my husband. When I moved back in, I knew I had a hard road ahead of me and that times like these would come when I would be weak. I went back into it expecting nothing for myself, and I know that sounds like martyrdom, but that's not what it is. I just knew how things would be and that expecting something out of it would only lead to disappointment. I have felt very trapped through these times because for me, divorce was never an option unless he physically cheated on me. And I am trapped by my love for him. I am in love, and if I could do it all over again I would never let myself fall in love. But I can't do it all over again and I need to stop thinking like that. As a person, my husband is the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. He's a hard worker, he's very considerate, he loves doing things for people, including me. So it's not that he's some monster. It is like he's two different people, though. He doesn't get violent, but he does get angry and he withdraws. Most of the time he refuses to communicate with me on a deep level. He's amicable in our conversations usually unless I try to talk about our relationship, then he shuts down. When I was considering going back, I had a list of criteria for him to meet which included making amends with my family. I realized that he wasn't going to meet my criteria, and I had to make a choice. Did a want to continue living in aimless, excruciating limbo, or did I want to start moving in some direction, even if it was the wrong one, to get some idea of my next step? I decided to do something with my only stipulation being that he had to verbally and genuinely renew his commitment of faithfulness to me. I've been back now about three months. I don't really have any security in our relationship. I half-way expect him to do something crazy at any time that will seal the death of our marriage. I don't like to do things half-way, though. And I know I'm not 100% in the marriage right now. I guess it's a defense mechanism because the emotional pain that I experienced from these other episodes was so intolerable and absolutely unbearable to the point of physical manifestations that I might just be protecting myself from that again. And he gives me no reassurance or reason to believe by his actions that this isn't going to happen again. Yet I'm not at the point where I can justify ending my marriage. So many people around me- friends and family- are getting divorced these days and they seem to be doing great! They're flourishing and free and happy and loving life. I have to ask myself what's going on?! I don't want other people to suffer like me- I wouldn't wish that on anyone- but I guess I don't know anything anymore. Having said all that, I'm not the completely innocent party in our relationship. I have made so many mistakes and been such a lacking wife in so many ways. One thing I can say for myself, though, is that I've held our commitment sacred and have never turned my back on it. I guess that's all I have to say right now. And by the way, he's taking lamictal and welbutrin. I may not have spelled those right. Thank y'all so much for your responses and words of encouragement.
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