Dutchie, Good to hear from you. I am sorry to hear that FBF is not stabalizing with his depression. I understand it making you very sad. I only have a moment, but something struck me when reading your post. The fact is, for a long time, your issues (the undiagnosed BP) was a huge distraction for FBF. He could "blame" things on you, blame his unhappiness on you, divert his own issues to the side and deal with your stuff as an easier thing to face than his own depression. However, after you were properly dx'ed and you embrased the dx so completely and became committed to turn your life around...and you did...what you now see is FBF then could no longer hide from his own issue....depression. It took a lot for him to face this. You have to remember, he spent many years running away from it all. So, here you are about 6-9 months in to his being on some form of medication, owning it, and what you are discribing is a man still sad from it all, and not really finding the right meds, perhaps aggressive enough therapy, etc. If I were to identify from what you shared as a misstep on your part is to blame yourself for HIS unhappiness - or the main source of it. THat is not to say that given the issues the two of you have gone through isn't participating in his sadness, just that you are not really responsible for it. It existed all on it's own. You say you are a groveling fool...STOP. Don't grovel. It is not good for you, or him. Stand strong. Stand lovingly. Stand whole. THAT is the best service you can be to the both of you. Just like you had to wrestle the BP to a manageable place...HE could not do the work for you...neither can you do it for him. This is HIS battle to fight. But you can...be there for him with all the love you have, make it available to him whenever HE needs it or wants it for you to listen, hold, love, sit quietly in the same room reading books...whatever. You get my point. Support his wellness, but don't indulge his illness/depression. You do him no favors. Set before him the responsibilities he has to you and the girls, prop him up, and tell him to get on with it lovingly, and then...MOVE FORWARD and tell him you are all a unit moving together in love and support of each other because you are a FAMILY. For today, this is your life together, and therefore that is how you will function. As to the serious talks about "the relationship" between you....for now...STOP QUESTIONING it all. There is a book written by Emme and her husband who went through depression. Here she is a famous model and her husband falls into this horrid depression. When he came out of it, they wrote this book together. I think this could be a good read for both you and FBF. It is called, "Morning Has Broken: A Couple's Journey through Depression" By Emme and Phillip Aronson.
I know it feels like one thing or another has been going on for a long time, and you are so ready for it to end. Eventually, it will. But these things heal in their own time sometimes, and sometimes we need to learn how we might be unintentially elongating the process by trying SO HARD to help. Take a breath. Let FBF do the same. Stand united as a family, even if he can't as a couple for the moment. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Work towards the end goal, but stop the sobbing. It is now time for you to be the strong one in a way. To keep the faith, the family, and the future clearly in your sites the way he did for you for a long time. I wish you all nothing but healing and love, and to find a way back to each other in time. HUGS...LFW