I don't know hat I need to hear from this- I am having such intense pain about it that I just needed to get it out I guess.
Where to start…. I see over the past three months I have been fighting the fact that the marriage I am in is not one I want. I have tried, really, from the beginning to have this be something that it is not. I wanted things to be what I hoped they would be and I overlooked things as they really are.
The intense pain I keep going through lately is me mourning a marriage that never was. There are of course many reasons why I allowed the marriage to happen-it’s been a huge blow realizing how many reasons there really are.
I keep fighting and struggling to find a way for things to be what I want and need. I went through a period where I felt very heavy hearted to know that I either accept what is, although it is making me very unhappy, or find a way to get out. I do not want to be w/o a partner, but I cannot make myself want something that I don’t. A main thing missing between us is passion- for anything, not just sexually, but very much missing there too. I don’t feel any passion from him, just a ‘go along’ with it kind of thing. This is one of those things that I overlooked or really refused to acknowledge that it didn’t exist with us. I thought ‘passion whats the big deal about passion? or “I have enough for both of us’!
I’ve talked to him about this feeling to see if something could be ‘worked out’, I’ve cried about it, gotten angry about it. He told me that this is how he is and why did I marry him if I didn’t like it. He refuses and fights w/ me about even trying to get passionate. I am angry with him a LOT, because of that.
I know many people feel like ‘hey you are lucky (he is one of those ppl)- look at all you have. He isn’t a bad guy, he doesn’t drink, he works hard, why can’t you be happy w/ that?’ I don’t know why passion is so important to me. The knowledge that it’s missing in my marriage, and I can’t make it exsist by myself (believe me ive tried), is eating me up emotionally. I tell myself there are more important things than passion, and when I do that my heart tells me immediately 'that is a lie'. So then the pain comes and the ' why don't I just be happy with what I have?' I have tried for over a yr now to accept that this is the way things are & I am realizing lately that denying what my heart really wants is cauing me great, deep pain.
I keep thinking, if I stay- this is it for the rest of my life.
Thank you EVERYONE, as always for listening. XO