major meltdown; i need help!

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little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:02 PM (GMT -7)   
i just called 911 and told the dispatcher i was about to run my car into a tree... so she had about five cops follow me home and then search my car. i feel like a ***** for making such a big deal out of it but i really wanted to kill myself, and i think about it a lot lately. i know it's not good and i know it's not a solution but it's just always in the back of my mind. i even wrote a suicide letter, just in case.

i'm falling apart and i don't know what's happening to me. i just want it to stop and go back to normal but i have to deal with it all before that will ever happen. god it's so hard sometimes.
to suffer is not enough.


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm really worried about you! I don't know where you're from, but if you lived where I did and said that to 911 not only would the police follow you home, but after you got there they would immediately take you to a hospital. Once you threaten suicide here you're automatically sent to the hospital. You did an excellent thing by calling 911, but they really dropped the ball. Please get yourself to a hospital ASAP. You're in a really fragile state and have shown many signs for being a suicide risk. It might seem scary, but it is a safe place and you'll receive all the treatment you need. Meds, counselling, time away from your life. This is a big deal...please listen to me and take care of yourself. We'll be here for you when you get back. Don't do anything to harm yourself.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:11 PM (GMT -7)   
they told me that if they thought that i would really go through with it they'd have to take me to the hospital for a 72 hour watch, but the cop talked to me and to my mom and she thought i'd be fine if i just stayed at home tonight. my mom gave me a valium so i'm not so hyped up anymore. but i'm still crying and really upset and all i wanted was someone to talk to, not this big ordeal with police and everything. ahhhhh i want to scream
to suffer is not enough.


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   
hmm...I'm glad you're doing a little better at least. you could always try a suicide hotline if you need to talk to someone. they're very helpful and are very knowledgable. Here are some links and numbers. If you are international I can find some numbers for you too.  
 
National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK -- All calls to the 1-800-273-TALK Lifeline are private and confidential.

Confidentiality of personal information and of personal disclosures during calls is a high priority for the parties involved in operating the Lifeline.

WWW.HOPELINE.COM

WWW.YOUTHLINE.US

1-877-YOUTHLINE

1-877-SUICIDA

1-800-PPD-MOMS

1-877-VET2VET

1-800-442-HOPE

1-800-COPLINE


27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I looked around healingwell and found this thread in the depression area...
 
 
there's definitely help out there!
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/13/2008 9:34 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you so much. that's really what i wanted to find but the only thing i could think of was 911. and the dispatcher was so nice. but she was all about getting the cops to follow me and make sure i was okay. i think i just need to get some things out of me. i don't really tell my therapist everything. i'm a little ashamed of some of the things i do and i feel really guilty for thinking the things i think sometimes. but i know she needs to hear them because she's there to help. god i just feel like i have so much ahead of me and so much maturing to do.

really, thank you. i appreciate it so much. i need a little consideration right now, and you just gave me some. that's all i can really ask for.
to suffer is not enough.


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/13/2008 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so glad I could help. *hugs* I don't even know for sure if I was allowed to post those first set of numbers and websites, but I was thinking more about your safety than anything else. If that post needs deleted by all means mods delete it. Anyway I hope you find someone to talk to and I'm glad you realize you need to be honest with your therapist. You really do...there's no way they can help if you don't open up. Don't be embarassed either! Trust me...they've seen and heard it all. They aren't there to judge you, they're there to help.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/13/2008 10:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Just an FYI...I hope you see this before a mod does. This whole thread might be deleted because it talks about suicide. So if it does please don't be offended...it's just that posts that talk about suicide can be triggering to other members and send some into a panic. You might want to start another thread now that you're doing a little better if you want more support. If mods see this before little b does and you have to delete this please start another thread for them and explain why you had to delete this one. I'm sure you would...I just don't want little b to feel bad or like they can't reach out for help.

Anyway like I said I'm glad I was able to help and you helped me a little too. I was doing really bad tonight and helping you took my mind off of things and got me something to do.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/13/2008 10:15 PM (GMT -7)   
whew, okay. i think i can go to sleep now. even though i didn't get to talk to my ex, which is all i wanted to do in the first place! he is such a coward. he loves me and he knows it and that's why he won't talk to me face to face. i want him out of my life because he can't deal with my disorder and he only makes it harder for me, even though i love him to death. but he won't let me say it to him and get that closure from him because he knows he'll want to have me back. AHHH!! whatever. i'm sleepy and you made me feel better, because i have this horrible habit of thinking so lowly of myself, especially when episodes like this occur. but i know that it's not because i'm an irrational person, i'm just a bipolar person who needs to think things through a little longer sometimes.

haha i also took a valium so i just want to ramble on and on...

but i'm going to sleep now. thank you again for your help. i actually saved some of those numbers in my cell phone for future references. and i was thinking about putting myself in a hospital... but i just really want to go to sleep. the next time something this out of control happens i'll probably be admitting myself, though, because even this is too much.
to suffer is not enough.


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/14/2008 12:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I hope you get some rest! It's 4am here now so hopefully I'll be sleeping soon too. I hope tomorrow is a lot better for you. Just remember you are not alone! If you need to talk I added an email address to my profile...I might not know the right things to say all the time, but I'm a good listener. If you do get bad again please admit yourself. Your life is too precious to lose...don't let this disease win! *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, and in the process of being diagnosed with crohns. Too many meds to list!


Diskus
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 7/14/2008 3:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hugs to you too, closure...

azteacher
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 7/14/2008 11:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Little b I hope you are ok. As I read this I felt very sad for little b and feel like I want to do something to help. Closure, I think you handled this situation stupendously and kudos to you for being there for her in her moment of need. However, I'm kind of shoked that she wasn't hospitalized last night by either the cops or her parents. I was under the impression that even if you threaten to harm yourself you are are automatically admitted.

I'm sorry if this post is out of line. I am very concerned for her safety right now and I don't think giving her a Valium was the proper solution.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/14/2008 11:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Little b,


Giant ((((((hugs)))))). We are always here for you. I will not delete your thread, we mods just discourage talk which is triggering. This is a supportive, positive thread. Suicide is NOT AN OPTION. I'm so glad you had the foresight to call 911. Thank you, closure, for posting the hotline numbers. That is exactly what I would have done if I had been on last night.

There are always better ways to handle your pain, including checking yourself into the hospital if you need to. I've been to the hospital. It's not fun, but it's better than the alternative, believe me. Your mom wanted to make you feel better, I can understand that. But if you continue to have these thoughts, you really need to go to the hospital. You can't live with suicidal thoughts constantly hanging over your head. Going to the hospital is a way of getting full time attention to your depression so you can jump start your moods. I hope you will consider it. Feel free to email me (address is in my profile) if you have questions or just want to chat.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/14/2008 1:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Just popping in to check on you...I don't know if I'll be around for a while, due to other medical problems I might be admitted to the hospital...I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back. So if you try to contact me and I don't respond that's why. Anyway I hope today is a better day. Thinking of you! *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/14/2008 2:20 PM (GMT -7)   
well I'm not going anywhere today at least so I'll be on and off all night probably. *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Too many meds to list!


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/14/2008 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   
you guys are amazing. thank you so much for being here for me, and everything you've said i've taken to heart and i appreciate it so much. i talked to my therapist today and we have an appointment tomorrow afternoon.

i think one of my biggest problems is being quiet about bipolar, or not being vocal enough when i do talk about it. it's strange to think about but we are so much different from people without mental illnesses, and they really don't have any idea how our brains work. no one really knew how depressed i was and had been for such a long time, and last night was definitely the breaking point. i scared myself. i think i've let this disease have the best of me for far too long and i'm ready to climb this mountain and get back in the sunshine. =)

this place makes me happy and i'm so glad i joined. much thanks to everyone, you all have good karma on your side for sure.
to suffer is not enough.


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/14/2008 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
closure,

i hope everything goes well for you. i've been feeling like my physical health seems to be deteriorating lately, but it sounds like you have much more on your plate. i want to thank you a LOT for talking last night.. i visited some of the websites and they hit so close to home that i was in tears again haha. again, i wish you the best. i don't know what all is going on with you but try to keep your head up. you've obviously got a good heart, and i'm gonna think of you the next time i wanna break down. you're so positive, it's mind blowing. keep it up. =)
to suffer is not enough.


azteacher
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 7/14/2008 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad you checked in b. I've been thinking about you all afternoon!

closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 7/14/2008 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
aww...b...you're going to make me cry. I just did what I could. Obviously I'm not there in real life so I can't come over and make sure you're ok, but I did the best I could do online. I'm so glad you're doing even better today and hopefully you realize now how you need to really open up to your therapist. Make sure you tell them everything tomorrow...as much as you can fit in to your timed appt! We'll be thinking of you tomorrow...please keep us updated. *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Too many meds to list!


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 7/14/2008 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Take it from someone who has attempted suicide, you need to be in a hospital for treatment.  I know the last time that I went in it was just a quick decision to do it to myself  as if I just went over the edge that quick, and I do not want that to happen to you.  If you tell you doctor or psychologist how you are feeling you can go in on your own for a few days.  If you get taken in by the police yes as someone said it is a 72 hour manditory stay.  It really helps because you can let it all out truthfully and not worry about anyone else (family members, friends) to listen or hear what you say.  Everyone in there has been there and you will see some that are feeling just like you and you will also see some worse and you say to your self "I want more in my life".  Please have the strength enough to tell someone again if you have those feelings, because you have a purpouse in life and it may be to help someone else that may be in your shoes some day, just think about that.  I think as it as "stoping the madness".  Good luck and remember we all care as does God!  yeah

little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/15/2008 8:23 AM (GMT -7)   
haha there's so much estrogen here i love it.

yes i've been doing much better. i've been talking about things with people i need to talk about them with and i've been getting outside of my depressing little cave of a bedroom and hanging out with people more and that stuff helps.

i was trying to explain the whole communication thing to my ex last night, and he said, "you always talk about your bipolar. you try to explain it but you never really do." i did talk about it a lot with him because he was one of the few i felt comfortable with, plus he was so close to me we kind of had to talk about it. but whenever i did bring it up he'd belittle me and tell me that nothing that i was saying made sense... well DUH! that's what i'm trying to tell you in the first place; you can't relate at all to what i'm thinking so please let me explain it to you if i may! but he was so unreceptive. he still is. ugh it makes me sick that i still think about that jerk but i do. *sigh*

anyway i'm nervous about the appt but my therapist is good at helping me clear my head, so it will probably be a huge weight off my shoulders.

maggie, i'm so unfamiliar with that whole hospital experience it kind of scares me to death. i hope i won't go that far again butttt if i do i guess a hospital is where i'll end up. i'm glad you didn't hate it haha, makes me feel better.
to suffer is not enough.


little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/15/2008 5:16 PM (GMT -7)   
you're totally right. it's so hard, but i'm going to try not to talk to him for a week. i miss being with someone so much though it's tough not to call him up. but i just have to keep remembering the stubbornness and the sarcasm and the downright meanness that came from him.

i had a psych appt this afternoon and it was extremely helpful. we're trying to work through my depression and distinguish the lows that came from stress with my ex from the actual chemical mood swings. so in order to do that i have to get him out of my life, at least for right now. god it's so hard, it's pretty much the only thing i think about. but i know that once i stop worrying about him so much and i get my mind on school it will be a lot easier.

life is starting to suck less, though, and it feels good =)
to suffer is not enough.

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