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Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 7/15/2008 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   
LFW...
Your strength never ceases to amaze me. I am sorry to hear you are having a difficult time lately. I'm gladly to hear the job is working out (at least financially); that must alleviate some stress for you and your H. I am sorry to hear that he is being less than open to discussions regarding his temparement. You have stepped up to carry the family on your shoulders for now, and hopefully soon he will come around with the most support he can provide. Until then, you are giving the most love to the twins that you can....and they feel it every day! They are lucky to have a wonderful mother like you. I am sorry that your S is struggling.....it sounds like a change in meds may be the best. Again, thank goodness for a mother as diligent and strong as you to stay on top of his care and focus on his moods and cycles. Stop questioning how much love you are showing to the individuals in your family.........your love is shown in endless ways every day....and don't worry...they know it....
 
Start showing some love to yourself! You are an amazing, strong, intelligent, caring, tenacious woman! You are inspiration to everyone on this board and everyone who struggles with BP and the families that love and support them!
 
Have a good day!
 
Casem
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/15/2008 2:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Here here!

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 7/16/2008 1:49 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi LFW,

I agree with Casem! I've been thinkin about you too! We're here any time YOU need us!  Best Wishes!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/18/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   

YOU ALL ARE SO KIND.  Thank you for your words of support and care.  I do hear what you are saying and do believe it.  On the flip side, it is still so hard on a daily basis at times.  My H has spent a few days toggling between incredible moments of kindness and support and wanting to be with me, to critical - accusitory - irritation with me at the drop of a hat.  It is all somewhat subtle of course, and to the naked eye...he would just seem like an annoyed H.  But given this back and forth...never knowing what reaction or person I will be dealing with...and that it toggles so consistantly...NEVER stays one for long....I am tired of it.  So even the good stuff is only getting limited response from me.  It doesn't change anything when it is pleasant...it is just a resbit.  But I am fearing I am just getting too lonely and may stop caring to some degree soon.  I truely fear this happening.  But I feel myself burning out as the family demands go up.  I am very sad at the moment just thinking about it. 

Plus, as it turns out, my new therapist understands more about all this than inicially thought.  He is currently in the process of divorcing his BP wife of 25 years.  He's met someone and says the difference is night and day because she is healthy and whole.  Something new for him after so many years of being beaten down by the situation.  He still feels his soon to be ex is a fanominal worman...and cares deeply for her....but he simply was too lonely and tired of dealing with the BP.  He is very supportive I stay in my marriage, that his situation has nothing to do with mine (his kids are grown - it is my life not his...etc.)...but, he wanted me to understand that as I rant and rave during the session crying out about the loneliness I feel, the anger at the unfairness of the treatment I feel I consistantly get...even my own disappointment in the fact that I can't really enjoy the good moments fully anymore - as a know a zinger could be right around the corner so I have gone somewhat numb totally adding to my own unhappiness.  He REALLY gets it.

As to my kids....my oldest has gone back to doing better when he finally gave in and started to regulate his sleep.  That has helped quite a bit.  My youngest S...well, as there have been a few issues come up at camp...the idea that we are looking at another BP is now fully on the table to evaluate now.  (THIS IS BREAKING MY HEART) and I wonder if I have the stamina to cope with yet another BP in my house.  My D seems okay, but holding a conversation with her can be a challenge she bounces around and never stays on any one subject even while you are trying to discuss something important with her...and I am so tired of challenges of keeping her on track that my patience is low.  So as I try to keep it all together...I feel sad for her to not have a mommy who seems joyous and patient with her.  What must I be teaching my kids who I love so much being this overworked, overwhelmed and numb.  I have thought about meds for me...only I don't see how meds will change my realities.  I am coping well with them, I have them in perspective.  I'm just lonely and sad about it.  But, I am discussing the possiblities anyway. 

Thanks for listening.  It really means so much to me that you care.  I smiled when I read your post of love and support.  A hightlight in my day.  HUGS to you all...LFW

 


Casem
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 7/18/2008 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
How wonderful, freeing, and comforting to have a therapist who REALLY GETS IT. It seems you have found a bit of a kindred spirit and you can both learn from eachother. I am so happy that the relationship is productive and positive for you! I am sorry about your H. Has he been seeing his pdoc? Maybe, like your son, there may be an issue with his meds or sleeping/eating habits?

I can understand going numb.....it feels safe, and it protects you from the unexpected ups and downs. I am sorry to hear about your youngest son...I'm sure that is causing a lot of anxiety right now. And your daughter has a wonderful mother who takes care of the ENTIRE family as best as she can at every given moment. Don't feel sorry for her! Kids are smart and they feel the environment around them, they don't always remember the words or actions. they feel the intentions and love that surrounds them.

And remember....no one takes meds to CHANGE their realities. We take them to help cope with life's challenges a bit better. At this moment, given all of the challenges you and your family are facing, it may not be a bad idea. Just think, if for this period of time, your body chemistry could have the help it needs to fight the anxiety and depression/sadness/loneliness it is experiencing in order to give you the stamina to cope with the ever increasing challenges in your life.......why would you deny your body and your self that help and relief? Medication is often the "perfect combination" with therapy that gets us past the hurdles and obstacles in life. I think that is great that you are discussing the possibilities. I know the meds/therapy combo has changed my life.

(((HUGS TO YOU)))
 
Casem
 


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 7/19/2008 4:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear LFW,

I'm really sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I'm so very glad that you have found a therapist for yourself and are able to talk things through. I wish you nothing but strength, wellness and wisdom as you work through all of these very important issues in your life.

I'm very thankful that you share so much of what life is like for you, living with someone who has bipolar. Since I met you here on healingwell I've learned how hard you work at trying to be supportive to your husband & son who have bipolar. I know it is difficult when you have to live day in and day out with someone who has bipolar and they are still trying to find some stability in their own life. You have tried so hard and been through so much and I understand your feelings of losing hope and feeling so alone and lonley. Again, I wish you all the strength and wisdom in the world to get through this.

It sure makes me think twice about how my husband must feel too at times.

I'm glad that we are able to give support back to you for all the support that you give us around here. We sure do learn a lot from each other around here from both sides of the fence.

(((BIG HUGS)))...Keep posting!


~sukay~
 Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/20/2008 12:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Sukay & Casem, thank you for the words of support and understanding. It means so much to me. I totally agree with you that the beauty of HW is that we can open up to each other and learn both sides of this issue. I do envy those spouses, of those of you who are BP and are working so hard to be responsible and connect the dots of how, and when, BP is rearing its head in your lives...even when you are stable on meds. Because that means you have conquered a biggy....taking full responsibility about it. And as a spouse, who's H doesn't directly do that...I can tell you that is a MAJOR step in helping us spouses stay patient, understanding and hang in there. Even if you're not perfect about it...at least your spouses can say to you..."take a look" or "you are over reacting"...and you would work to step back and see it and master it for the next time. I SO wish my H would. It would help so much for me. Alas...it is simply not the way it is here. So....I must continue to accept what is, and...as I always say...get on with it!

The therapist told us today that, although our youngest son needs testing to confirm it...he believes he is definately ADHD, not BP. That his issues are more impulsivity based. However, he also suspects due to the none stop movement from my daughter - the way she jumps from one thing to the other over and over again in his office when waiting for us during the sessions....she may be as well. SO....YIPPIE...that means (if it proves to be accurate) 3 out of 3 of my kids got hit with something. I am just so overwhelmed by it all right now I can hardly breathe. But, once I get my head around it all - I am sure I will figure out how to manage it.....what other option do I have. I am just so sad at the thought.

Sorry I sound like such a downer. For what it is worth, I have no doubt that how I am feeling right now will improve in time and I (and my family) will be fine. There are still many blessings and I just need to focus on those right now. I will advise myself the same as what I say to many of you ....I need to BREATHE...GIVE MYSELF SPACE....BREATHE some more...and just keep up the one foot in front of the other. HUGS to you all. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 7/20/2008 1:14:32 AM (GMT-6)


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/20/2008 8:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear LFW,

BREATHE indeed, as you always tell me to do.  I am sending my warmest hugs for you.  I too of course have a sense of what a wonderful, and strong devoted mother you are.  I cannot imagine how painful it is knowing that your children are facing these symptoms.  It is understandable that you are overwhelmed.  I take such comfort in knowing that your children have a mother who is so knowledgeable about these illnesses and so empathetic.  Your love, support and guidance is going to ensure that they all will have a path of as much wellness as possible.

I am so glad that you have a therapist.  As for the loneliness, I understand that awful feeling.  I've experienced this in past realtionships and definitely in the one I'm in now.  It has really led me to doing some thinking lately b/c of my age, thinking I would be settling.  It's an important point.  For you, although you've been married for so many years, if you are feeling less than happy in your marriage now...what if you could find happiness again in whatever direction.  I'm not advising anything --just hoping you have what you truly deserve.

I apologize if I'm not making much sense; my symptoms are currently taking over.  Anyway, I am in your corner (we all are).  Please keep us posted.

Love & hugs, Mogs. 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/22/2008 10:52 PM (GMT -7)   
I am new, but have read many of your postings. You are truly so strong and courageous. I can't imagine living with this so long, and the heartache of seeing your children begin to go through it. At least for them, you are already educated about it and treating it as early as possible. I know that it is so hard on you, but think of what a tremendous blessing it will be for them to have so much understanding and treatment early, and not go through all of the typical horrors without knowing why. You can catch and prevent so much of the damage before it happens!

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/23/2008 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Mogs...I totally understood you...no worries. You were making sense to me! Have you decided the answer to the settling question you posed? Just tell the truth to yourself. BELIEVE me, I know it is hard. I truly do love this man, but if we didn't have kids....I don't know that I would still be here. That doesn't mean he is ANY less wonderful...but due to BP, I am lonely a lot, and I honestly think he is too. I sometimes wonder (again...if we didn't have kids) if being lonely on my own, wouldn't be less painful or lonely than being lonely in a relationship with someone....BUT in my case, I do have the kids, and I will not tear their family apart. I can't speak for once they are grown...that is too far away. I suppose I will assess things then. But for today, I am here, and intend to do all possible to make it ALL work.

mom2four...thanks for chiming in. I appreciate the support and reminding words of the bigger picture. LFW

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 7/23/2008 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  BIG HUGS FROM ME TO YOU!
~sukay~
 Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/24/2008 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Sukay. I am sorry to hear on another string that you are struggling...I think I posted something to you on it. But either way....HUGS back to you and HANG IN THERE! LFW
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