new guy needs advice

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cardsfan51
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/21/2008 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone, I guess I am just trying to get some ideas on how some others deal with a loved one's bipolar. I'm almost at my wits end, I love my wife very much, but sometimes I just don't know how to deal with the dramatic ups and downs. I know that some of these come from not wanting to go to her Dr. and skipping meds. So, I guess what I need to know is does anyone have any ideas on good ways to talk about how important these things are with her. I need help. Every time I've tried talking with her about her doctor or meds, she gets very defensive, which I do understand. She knows she needs help, but always puts off getting it until it gets to the point where she needs to check herself into a clinic. Which starts the cycle all over again. Any help on ways to get help before she gets to that point would be appreciated.

Thanks

cardsfan51
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/21/2008 7:42 PM (GMT -7)   
After posting, I looked around a little bit, and learned alot just in just a little while, like having to take a more active role in my wifes therapy. thanks

maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 7/21/2008 7:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I was as noncomplient as your wife for a long time.  I would just stop taking my meds because I thought I really didn't need them, or she may like the feelings she gets and is afraid those feelings will stop if she takes the meds.  All I can say is she may have to keep going into the clinic or change her psychiatrist if the meds he gives her need adjusting.  I do not know how old she is and sometimes that has a lot to do with complience.  Good luck and support on your part is important but do not let it consume you.  Tell her she needs to start taking on some responsibility for her actions now so she can live a somewhat normal life later.  I she really wants to be stable she must be the one to do it.

azteacher
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 7/21/2008 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Taking her meds regularly and seeing her docs are so very important in the healing process. Especially if she is skipping doses here or there, it's just going to make things much worse. Also, exersise is something that helped my tremendously. Have her try yoga or meditating. I rolled my eyes when my doc suggested it but it has seriously changed my life.

cardsfan51
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/22/2008 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the yoga/meditation idea. She's never really been into any kind of exercise or working out before, but that's something that I think she might try, since she doesn't have to go to the gym to do it, which I know is something that scares her a little. Ok alot

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/22/2008 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi cardsfan51,

I just wanted to take a moment in the conversation to welcome you to HealingWell. Thanks for joining.

I think a frank talk is in order, whether she gets upset or not, you need to make it clear that it's time she owned up to her disorder, that it's affecting you and the family. Be gentle but honest, tell her exactly what you want her to do, offer what you really believe you can handle in terms of support (for example -- would you be willing to go to psych appts with her?) and be clear about what you think will happen if she doesn't comply. It's a hard conversation, I know, but a crucial one. She may not go along with it the first time, but it's worth doing, and back it up with action.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


lunadaisy
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/22/2008 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
There's a great yoga show on tv called "Breathe" that I tape daily. That way I can do yoga at home at my convenience. Just an idea! :)

cardsfan51
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 7/22/2008 6:39 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the welcome. I am planning that talk as we speak, trying to get all the info I can before it happens since I know it won't be easy. Got a list of counselors today that I am going through before she and I have the talk, so that I can have a list of people ready for us to go through together. I know it's going to be hard on both of us, but she's definitely worth it.

marthamae
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 7/22/2008 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been through hell and back with my illness and it's hard to have sympathy for people who are non compliant with their meds.

If a diabetic doesn't check his blood sugar should you feel sorry for him when he loses his eyesight? I don't get it.

Suck it up and get on the right meds. Sorry to be so cold. I've just lost too many friends and seen too many people destroyed because someone thought they were too "good" to take meds.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 7/24/2008 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Cardsfan51, from the perspective of a spouse to a BP, and the mother to another - my best sage input for you is to recognize that certain things should be non-negotiable for you. Taking meds religiously, seeing pdoc regularly, seeing therapist weekly...without these things happening, she is playing at wellness. The right meds should give her control back about behaviors to a large degree…they don’t take away feelings. The symptoms will NEVER be fully gone, but her coping skills with them, her ability to regulate herself will be in her hands more. The fact is, BP, is a part of your life, and hers too. If your spouse is being irresponsible about it, she will not be the only one damaged by it. You will too, and that is not acceptable. So, as the spouse you must demand certain things, and those are the things listed above. YOU should also take a far more active role on her wellness team. If she won't allow it, you have a problem right there. You should have full access to speak to her docs and share what you see. Occasionally go to her appointments with her...etc. That does NOT mean you are taking over, just being on the same team supporting the greatest level of wellness your wife can achieve for BOTH your lives. Without at least this level of cooperation from her, what your life is right now is how it will forever be, and you must decide if this is the life YOU want for you. We BP spouses tend to forget that we count JUST as much as they do.

Good luck, welcome and remember, we're here to support you in your journey. LFW

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/24/2008 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Maybe you can appeal to her maternal instincts. Most mothers and wives want to please their husband and would do anything for their children. I am currently having to live apart from my bipolar husband and have supervised visitation. It is a nightmare for all of us. He still will not "own" (as LFW says) his illness at all, and considers everything to be fine. The problem that I have with him is that he only sees things from the reality he is having then, and even when he is "better," he remembers it the way it was happening at the time for him, not the way everyone else sees it. Maybe you or a therapist could make her understand the impact that it has on you and your children. It seems that girls, in particular, identify with their mothers and assume that identity. The way that they see your famiuly interacting is the reality they will recreate. I was the daughter of an overly compliant people-pleasing mother, and an undiagnosed and untreated father, and that is exactly the reality I recreated for my children. My therapist finally explained the impact this would have on my children, and so I had to move out, but I want him to get treatment. Maybe the love she has for them, and you, will keep her on treatment. Take care

little b
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 7/24/2008 3:48 PM (GMT -7)   
it's really something she needs to get a grip on herself. until she realizes that she has a serious chronic mental illness, she won't change. most of us were probably the same way for a very long time. it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you have a disorder that you can't control, and it has the potential to ruin basically everything in your life. yeah, it's a big deal. and most of the time we don't realize the times when we're really going crazy. you should help point out to her that things can't work the way she's trying to work them. she can't control the mania or the depression or the irritability on her own. she needs meds to get her out of the hole and meds to KEEP her out of the hole. and therapy definitely goes a long way when you're truthful. =) haha. i have a bad habit of sugar-coating things for my therapist, and that's not very good.

also getting a pill case can be a great way to get into a routine of taking meds. i had to get one so i wouldn't forget doses at night.
to suffer is not enough.

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