Sick of fighting this!

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zolscody
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/25/2008 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello evereyone-
I'm a 31 year old female who was diagnosis with bi-polar earlier this year after a hospital stay. I've have this for way longer than that, but first they told me it was OCD and depression and put me on meds 8 years ago. I have a beautiful 16 month old son who I had to have through a surrogate because I couldn't get off my meds. I have also been married for 4 years to the most wonderful man.
 
I am now in a horrible depressive cycle after finally stablizing my meds. There have been many changes in my life right now as my husband took a new job which has required more traveling then we thought. I'm also in grad school full time (I don't work.) We now put my son in daycare which I have horrible guilt over, but I know its a great place for him. I have been feeling so horrible and my husband came home yesterday telling me he landed a huge account and its a total big deal. I couldn't even be happy for him and was more upset when he told me he would have to go out of town for 4 days this week. I should be thankful that he has a job and now has security of that job for at least 4 years during a time of economic strain. I know we are blessed. I feel selfish for feeling "Down" and feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because everyone is sick of hearing about my "issues."
 
I am in therapy and have talked to her about all these issues, but still really hurting. Anyway, just wanted to vent.
 
Hugs
Z

Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 7/25/2008 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the board...... with bipolar we are going to the have down times... we have to accept these feelings....
 
 
 hugs, Caren 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/25/2008 2:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zolscody,

Good to see you again. Guilt and feelings of being selfish are really useless feelings. I know because I struggle with them too and my therapist is always after me to let them go. They're needless. My husband doesn't need me to feel that way, and it only succeeds in making him feel bad too. So if you can, work on that. You'll feel better just accepting that you are a woman with some extra needs, and that's okay. It's the hand you have been dealt. Your husband loves you no matter what. Daycare is a good place for your son. I put my daughter in daycare too and felt awful about it at first as well, but it's been a real boon for both of us. She loves it, and I get some much needed time to myself to take care of the house or myself, or whatever needs me. I know she's safe and socializing and learning and being well cared for and I still get to be her number one love.

Have you seen your psych recently to have your meds evaluated?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


zolscody
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/25/2008 3:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafena-
Thanks for the reply. It makes me feel a little better knowing that you also put your daughter in daycare. It has always been hard for me to validate putting him there (for his first year I had a sitter come to the house a few days a week.) But I know he is socializing and learning which is great because he will be an only child. Its also nice to hear someone else say its OK to do things for yourself. I'm getting my masters in art therapy so I love creating art when I have some extra time (without son and hubby.) For me it is very theraputic. I never thought that I would need this much "help" as a mother but I know its best and it makes me a better mommy. Actually I just talked to my doctor and she wants me to increase my limictal 25mg (I'm on 50 now) and see how it does in a week. I'm also on 60mg of prozac and 150 of Seroquel. I also take Asacol for Crohns (which I saw that someone else in the forum has as well!)

Anyways thanks for the ear.
Z

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/25/2008 5:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Zolscody-

I think that it is almost always worse on us than them to put them in daycare. It seems especially hard to give up time with babies that were so hard to have. I don't want to dismiss mother love of "normal, fertile" mothers, but I have had many friends who "happened" to get pregnant, had easy pregnancies and deliveries, and they never could understand how intense my love for my children was (and how I couldn't stand to be away from them); and I had a hard time with how "casual" they seemed to be about motherhood (I know, too judgemental on my part!). So, it may be more difficult for you than most just because you know how hard it was to have him! Also, I think that really devoted mothers never feel like they are being the mother that they want to be or thought they would be! That is what makes them good mothers- they are always re-evaluating and trying harder! So, you may be able to look at feeling like a bad mother as a sign of being a good one!! This, by the way is not just my opinion- in my neurotic quest to be a better mother, I have read a ton of books!! I think that everyone goes through some of the self-doubt (especially with your first child) in the early years of motherhood, even without the other complications. I hope that your med adjustment helps.

zolscody
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/25/2008 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
mom2four-
You are so right. I've very protective of him (as most mothers are I'm sure). Some of my guilt stems from the fact that my sister is a stay at home mom who takes her kids to 20 different activites a day and has this huge circle of friends and her kids have there little friends lol. The daycare we now have my son at is wonderful, we had problems with the first one which just fueled my guilt. It has taken me time to except that I'm not ment to be a stay at home mom and that I like to work (or do school or art) and that makes me a better mom. Anyways thanks for the pep talk it really helped.

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/25/2008 7:02 PM (GMT -7)   
I think that you doing what makes you the best mom you can be is what matters. Everyone is different-each mother, each child, each family. I so know about the guilt and comparison game, though! Any mother that cares as much as you obviously do will be great. Sometimes (most) you just have to put one foot in front of the other and (hardest for me) - try to live in the moment with your son, not worrying about the future. I wouldn't worry about all of the activities. There will be enough of that in the future, trust me. Right now, you are the center of the universe for your baby! Enjoy it- it is a fleeting thing!! I'm sure that he gets enough little friends at daycare- if your sister's children were in daycare, after all, they wouldn't need to go to all of those activities to meet people. So, you are really about the same, aren't you? Take care!

sweetchat
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/25/2008 10:10 PM (GMT -7)   
I eat alot because I feel sad and lonely almost all of the time. Is anyone else experiencing these feelings?

zolscody
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/26/2008 6:29 AM (GMT -7)   
OMG sweetchat-
My relationship with food is, well lets just say unhealthy. The Seroquel that I'm on has made me gain a bunch of weight and it also makes me crave sugar (which I guess its known for.) So not only to I eat when I'm sad, but all the time. I just started weight watchers to try to eat better. But yes, I do feed my emotions with food. Is there anything you like to do so you don't feel so lonely?

Z

CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 7/26/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zols

Here is a bit of a different view. Mainly because I am a member of the y-chromosome minority here.

Your feelings are valid, however, unproductive. Your husbands job is stressful for you. But as today's business is, employees are required to travel more as markets have grown world-wide. I have had jobs in the past which required much travel. Be prepared, nothing will break (i.e. refrigerator, water line, furnace) until your husband is at the furthest place away from home. Also, he won't be able to return quick enough to fix whatever the problem is. Just prepare for it. Find a good plumber, electrician, roofer, etc.. now before the catastrophe hits. It is not required but it could be comforting to both of you to get an alarm system or a big dog.

Because of your husband's income and your work, you are able to provide your son with excellent daycare. That's a blessing.

You are working on an advanced degree which only 2% of all college freshman proceed onto. That is quite an achievement.

Your family is a team. Your husband's accomplishments belong to you, your son, and your husband. You all share in the reward because you all had a part in achieving it. Your graduation will also be an accomplishment for your husband, your son, and you. Your son's development though his life leading to a man who starts his own family based on what he was taught by you and your husband will be an accomplishment for you, your husband, and your son.

Your feelings are valid, and you should be able to discuss them with your husband. If he had not landed that account, he probably would have spoken to you about it. But here's my tidbit of advice. If you feel down and want to discuss it with your husband, do not ask him to change his ways in order to change yours. Remember, you are not adversaries but a team and your goals are one and the same.

Keep in touch.


I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.

Post Edited (CapninHapnin) : 7/26/2008 8:53:00 AM (GMT-6)


mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
You are a good man, Capnin.

zolscody
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Capnin-
Thank you for giving me the y-chromosome perspective lol. Actually I'm not worried about all the things that could go wrong while my husbands away. Thats what handyman is for :) The tough part is the emotional part. Your right, the things that my husband does through his work is for all of us, not just him as well as me going for my masters. Last year I was totally spoiled because my husband worked as a consultant and was home more with no travel. The job he has now is wonderful and he loves it. Its just an adjustment for the both of us. I'm pretty self-sufficant, but its hard when the one you love can't be there to give you a hug when your feeling down. Like I said in my first post, I feel very blessed that he has a job and we have security which many people don't have right now. I'm working on adjusting my meds so hopeful things will get better soon.

But thank you for you words of wisdom!
Z

CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
mom2four said...
You are a good man, Capnin.
That's what I keep telling everyone. tongue
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/26/2008 10:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi sweetchat,

It's nice to have you. Welcome to HealingWell and to our forum. When you get a second, why not start a New Topic and introduce yourself. That way we'll all get to focus on you for a thread!

Thanks,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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