Bi-Polar and Assault

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JH
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 7/26/2008 7:37 PM (GMT -7)   
 

Post Edited (JH) : 7/30/2008 9:50:37 AM (GMT-6)


mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear JH-
There are certainly other members here who can give you better bipolar advice. I am a wife and mother who desperately wants her husband to get help. My husband won't get help at all. (he promises to, but doesn't-and even that is an improvement over acting his prevous state of mind). After a few serious incidents and the day-in-day-out hell, which was having a profound affect on my children; we moved out. I didn't file any papers for a while, trying to convince him to get help, but after he had a screaming swearing fit demanding that I leave the baby with him for a day while I went out of town to pick my mother up at the airport (the baby had not been away from me, and was breastfed, and he clearly wasn't in a rational state of mind); I filed for a legal separation with supervised visitation. I know exactly what you are talking about- when he is in his charming reasonable self mode, I dream about happily ever after; but he gets more and more angry. It is like he suppresses all of his feelings and refrains from what he wants to do and say for a few days, then it all blows up and is even worse! I keep hoping for some miracle, and often delude myself, but as people here keep saying to me, it isn't worth the impact or risk to the children. I want my son to have his father,too, but I am not sure that not having one is worse thanhaving the kind of example that he is to him. Boys will mimick their dad in every way, after all. I have told my husband that I can't trust my own judgement regarding him- I want so badly to believe that things can be better; and that the psychotherapist will need to assure me that it is safe for the children cor me to consider unsupervised visitation or moving back in. So far, he still hasn't got help. I wish you and Noah well. I would see a therapist- together and separately. I know this is so hard, especially when you love your husband and your child, and have real convictions on how children should be raised. You can't really have him around your own child unsupervised, and I assume that it is realy difficult to run a daycare with parents concerned over his behavior. Take care and God Bless.

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:30 PM (GMT -7)   
No. you can use everything you know and you have witnesses to demand an evaluation-which will , I am told, include your input. We have not finished this process yet, but the judge gave me supervised visits with no problem based on his behavior, and the fact that he had recently had an assault type incident running fromthe police, after I called 911 following a suicide threat (and him actually leaving the house with a gun). I didn't call all of the times that he just talked about it.He still hasn't forgiven me. I believe, and so does my lawyer, that it will not be a problem to keep it that way. He still has a lot of disruptive behavior. The thing that concerns me is tha tI don't have a lot of witnesses to most of it.. You don't seem to have that problem, so unless you have a really awful judge, I think that you should be fine. I know it is hard to think that way- but he is really violent, not just moody. As your son gets older, he will bother your husband more and more- at least that is the way it was with us. I am so sorry. How old is your son?

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/26/2008 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
It is really hard. He has already started in the "mimicking daddy" phase- but knows something is wrong. It is also harder when they remember you being together and how things "should be." My son is just barely two now, but already chastises my husband when he is acting out, pulling his hand off me when he grabs me, telling him "don't"; getting between us when he is threatening; saying "daddy talk mean to mama." It breaks my heart. Of course, childrem are also more forgiving. I think that single parents can adopt now. I may look into it myself. I don't want my son to be alone, and I do have three older children, but they are 16, 12, and 11. They all baby him now, but soon they will all be teens doing their own thing, and he will be alone. I even thought about having one with my husband after we were separated (I know); but my pregnancies are severely threatening and get worse each time; and then there is the heredity factor of this disorder, which is frightening. I know that a lot of the people on this forum seem to cope really well, and are definitely "fighting the good fight." I don't really know what my husband would be like on the correct meds.

CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 7/28/2008 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi JH & Mom2Four

Its just a piece of paper, and both of you might of done it already, but I suggest a restraining order. One again, it is only a piece of paper that is widely defined depending on where you live. But it is very helpful in child custody cases.

Good luck

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.


mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/28/2008 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Capn-

Our therapist has also suggested this, especially after he has been so disruptive at my place of business, screaming not only at me and the children, but other children and customers, and my partner and her children. I have really been trying not to totally alienate him because I really want him to get help, and it is a very difficult to navigate line. It is hard to tell a man you love him, but he can't come to your work, some days you just can't talk to him, and you believe he is unsafe to be around your children. Other more intimate matters are also difficult in a separation. Divorce is more clear cut. I believe that a wife needs to support (and we are both supposedly Christian, so you have all of those constraints) and submit to her husband and all of that. It is very confusing and frustrating for me, him, and the children. I hate to just give up, but it makes little sense to try to stay with someone that you are afraid of "setting off" with a restraining order (he has said it is just papaer and wouldn't really stop him if he wanted to do something to us), or to subject the children to osmeone that the judge is so nervous around, she has armed guards when we or he goes to court for status conferences. JH's husband seems to get so into his mania, it really wouldn't affect him. This is a cruel thing, BP, when you don't know who someone will be, and you feel sorry for them, but are also afraid of them. I read your response to Missyeu, and I also wonder what is a separate issue on abuse and cruelty. Take care. We all appreciate your male point of view very much!!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/28/2008 8:59 AM (GMT -7)   
JH,

I haven't had a minute to welcome you to the board yet. Thank you for joining HealingWell. We're glad you're here. We've had an influx of spouses in similar recent weeks, so a trip through the recent posts should help you feel a little less lonely. It is a very tough situation. My advice is always the same. Your children come first. You come second. Your partner is responsible for his treatment, and if he won't get care it is HIS CHOICE. No one can make that choice for him. Without treatment, bipolar is a wild disorder. It can be disruptive, hurtful, cruel, and even deadly. But you can only make your wishes known, you cannot change him. So please, please please, take care of your children and yourself first, let your husband know you love him and want to be together, but that he needs to get onto a treatment plan and stick to it. Without it, he is impossible, too dangerous, to live with.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope we can offer you the support and community you're looking for.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/28/2008 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
It's very frustrating for us with the disorder too, believe me. When we're suffering and really want the symptoms to go away, we really hope the drugs will do the trick. When they don't we're always disappointed. But we've just got to move on and try a different dosage or a different drug. For comparison's sake, last year I had a terrible depression (I'm bipolar II which means I have more depression than mania and less "high" manias) and it took us nearly 6 months to crack the depression with meds. I'm now on 5 medications. Five. It's actually fairly unlikely that your husband's first try would work right off the bat. If he is consistent and keeps with it, he will find something that works, but it takes time and commitment.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 7/28/2008 7:01 PM (GMT -7)   
It is not selfish to protect your child. You are still there for him should he choose to go forward with treatment. It is so hard to love and not be able to help.
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