suicide attempt

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maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 7/30/2008 2:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Well I came down with a crash from my first huge manic episode. (if episode is the proper word for it) On my previous post I had said that I'd never had one this huge and it lasted so long. Tuesday the 29th of July I got out of the hospital after taking an overdose over the weekend prior, and it is 1:48 am on the 30th and I can't sleep. I have this constant thought of hurting myself, but then I chicken out. I feel as if I am out of myself attempting to convince everyone that I am ok, but right now if I had enough nerve I would do it. My boys are very upset with me, they said "mom you can't keep doing this to us" and I feel bad but I did not even plan the overdose it just happened and I can't remember doing it. It did not help that I told my husband that when I was in the manic episode I was unfaithful to him. I really do feel so bad right now. I felt so strange for about two days prior to my attempt, but could not bring myself to tell anyone about how I was feeling. What a cop-out I am. Has anyone felt this way before. I feel so strange like I will never feel right again. I am afraid that if I tell anyone about "just thinking" about hurting myself they will put me back in the hospital. I also need to go back to work this week. I sure could use some advise. [img]/community/emoticons/confused.gif[/img]



{I had to edit out the violent details of your suicidal thoughts -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 7/30/2008 9:26:23 AM (GMT-6)


missflip
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 163
   Posted 7/30/2008 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey Lady. I know how you feel; I have been there. I even went further than you and did cut my wrists. And there were other times that I chickened out too. But I must tell you, out of concern and being there before, that you really, really need to call your pdoc and tell him/her what is going on or you will never get better and may never get your life back on track. It sounds like your meds aren't right at this time and your pdoc definitely needs to know in order to adjust them or try new ones, whatever needs to be done. You will eventually get the right combination and start feeling better, you really will. But for the sake of your sons and yourself, you need to take care of you right now! Just because you thought of cutting yourself doesn't mean that your pdoc will put you back in the hospital (mine didn't after I assured him that I wouldn't) but you may need to go back at the same time. You have to get better in order to take care of your family (yourself, your sons and your husband). You need to get back to you so that you can mend fences and get back on track.

So I would call my pdoc and insist on seeing him/her as soon as possible. This is urgent.

Keep us informed and I'm thinking of you and on your side.

Hugs,
Missflip
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell."  Matchbox Twenty


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/30/2008 8:24 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree wholeheartedly with missflip. You can't risk it. This is too dangerous. If you're having suicidal ideation (which is what this is called) you need to tell your doc. He/she may mess with your meds or suggest you go back to the hospital, but clearly the suicide risk didn't get entirely cleaned up while you were there last week. Work will wait. You are not well. You MUST take care of yourself first.

Some tips on things to do instead of cutting (from my days as a cutter) -- write about your feelings instead, go for a walk (not if it's 2 in the morning, obviously,) watch a distracting movie -- preferably a comedy, use a marker to draw lines on your wrist instead, use a rubber band to snap your wrist instead, call a friend, wake up your husband and tell him you need his help because you're in a very low place. (I think if he knew what you were thinking about he would appreciate being woken up and asked to help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible feeling but you can fight it. It's not inevitable, it's not natural or right. You will persevere, just hang in there and your psych will get your meds adjusted.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 7/30/2008 11:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for your help.  I have been feeling so guilty that I keep appoligizing to everyone who calls me to ask me how I am.  I feel as though I must lie to them that I feel ok, but I have been very honest with my husband and we have been doing a lot of talking.  when I get the suicidal thoughts I tell my husband what I am feeling and it seems to be helping.  I have not slept but maybe two hours in the last two days so I got a rx for temazepam to help.  I have an appointment with my doc in a few days, but until then I promised my husband that I will tell him when I feel bad.  I will continue to work to get to a better place.  thanks for the advise. 

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/31/2008 3:41 AM (GMT -7)   
I just wanted to say to please hang in there and do what you need to do to feel better.  You are supported here.  Glad to hear that you have an appointment lined up.  I'm sending many warm hugs your way.

Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


dknight
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Maggi,

Suicide is a scary thought.  I believe it is our shadow self or inner child giving us a message.  A good therapist has helped me with some of my scary thoughts.  I believe the more light we shine on these heavy thoughts and feelings the more healing can occur.  Thanks for sharing.  That is a positive action.  Excercise is another positive action that has helped me.  It seems to help move the heaviness... physically and emotionally!


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi dknight,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar forum. I just noticed you snuck on in here all quiet-like. :-)

Why not take a moment to start a New Topic and introduce yourself to us. We'd love to know a little bit more about you.

Thanks!
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/2/2008 12:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Maggie,

just checking on you -- how are you doing?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 8/3/2008 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Try to hang in there. I don't know how old you are but I'm 51. I founds the ups and downs much more profound in my late teens and in my twenties and a bit in my 30's. At my ripe old age, I can now feel the manic swing coming on and get it stopped before it becomes full blown mania. Therefore, the falling back to depression doesn't hurt so much. Regular schedule, regular meals, serene activities, no booze, lots of tea, writing in a journal or on this forum, can help dull those sharp edges. Best of luck.

LeftCoastGirl
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 8/11/2008 4:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I can understand about the suicide attmpts - I had a serious one 10 yrs back and then became suicidal 3 weeks ago - thanks to a friend and some courage - I had myself admitted - even though I don't like the diagnosest that were given.. all I care about is getting well.. and feeling some peace in my life - I knew I wanted to live and I still do.. but there have been days when it's hard. It's scary from what I have read, that my diagnosis makes me a high risk for further suicidal attempts - the doctors I saw today wanted to make sure I wasn't suicidal again, they were considering admitting me in again.
~~ Diagnosed BSD/BP2 ~~
~~ Serequel 50mg, Cymbalta 30mg, Trazadone 200mg ~~


maggiern
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 8/11/2008 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
In the few weeks since my suicide attempt my mind is becoming more clear on what I should do now and how to help me into the future.  Yes just last week one time or two I felt suicidal, but I seem to be slowly getting stable.  I cleared the air for a few things with my husband and few we are moving back in the same direction.  I also told my husband not to break my heart with anymore games he plays because I would not be able to take it.  So I see what you mean about the actions we should take when these feelings come over us.  I am hoping that becoming stable for our illness is very important, but safety is even more.  Having a friend that you can go to help with the need to have someone who is at a level place in their thoughts to help us, plus your courage.  Hold on to your friend and your courage.
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