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jxrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/30/2008 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, I joined the forum a while back but I haven't come onto the bipolar area yet. I wanted to come on and make a post because I've been really stressed lately.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as ADD back in November. I'm 22. The bipolar disorder was not very surprising, as my mother has it and I knew a bit about it already, and suspected I would develop it at some point. I had my first manic episode last year and after that decided to go to the doctor. The ADD part surprised me but made complete sense.

Anyway the reason I am posting is that my mom has been having very bad depressive episodes, to the point where she is now in the hospital. They tried a bunch of different medicines, including Lamictal which I am on, and now they are going to do ECT. My mom has wanted to avoid having to do the ECT for a long time so I know she is upset about it. I just want her to be happy, to be stable so she can go back home and work.

But when I talk to her she says stuff that I have felt too, like she says she feels like our family would be better off without her - which is sometimes how I feel about my husband. I feel like he shouldn't have to put up with all this. He has to learn how to deal with all my problems. And now I worry that I'm going to end up like my mom.

Also, I am never sure if when I get upset about something if it's the bipolar, the add anger outbursts, or if my feelings are real and I am actually upset.

I guess I'm just posting to introduce myself and rant a little.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/30/2008 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi jxrose,

Thanks for coming over to the bipolar board, we're glad to have you.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Those are very scary thoughts, ones I've had too. Probably anyone who's been severely depressed has had those kind of thoughts. So you're not alone, even though they're very lonely thoughts. And I have been told a zillion times by my husband, my family, and anyone who knows I get depressed that they're dead wrong. My husband needs me, he says, flawed or otherwise. He'd be lost without me. And I bet your husband would say the same.

I also have had the same questions about my emotions, wondering when they're "real" or they're just "bipolar." I even asked my doctor about it once. She told me that all my emotions are real. Every one of them. But sometimes the bipolar turns them up, intensifies them. So something that may otherwise just annoy me infuriates me instead, or something that may sadden me depresses me for days instead. But the emotions are real. Sometimes we just have to mine through the excessive drama to figure out what we really feel.

Thanks for introducing yourself, it's nice to have you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


jxrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/30/2008 1:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Serafena thanks for the reply. I like what your doctor said about how it amplifies emotions. That makes a lot of sense.

When my mom went into the hospital she told me about a book and I had actually already bought it but not gotten to read it yet. She told me it is very good for couples where one person has bipolar. It is "Loving someone with bipolar disorder" - I saw it at Half Price Books and bought it and then she told me to get it, lol. Here is a link for anyone interested: http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/
I am also looking at getting other books like "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know".
When I was first diagnosed I thought it would be easier, just take the medicine and go in every now and then, and I didn't need to know anything else. But now I want to read about it and learn, so I can stay as healthy as I can and know what is going on with myself.

I think the most stressful part of all this for me is that I basically was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADD - AND - Fibromyaglia all at the same time. So I have had to adjust to all of these and I think it's overwhelming to me and my husband too. Unfortunately, as soon as I found out my mom was going in, my legs started to ache all the time, because stress makes the myalgia act up and it hurts :( So then I'm more cranky lol.

And my husband said something that really annoyed me. This is sort of off topic but I'm going to ramble. I had read part of a book about ADD where people described their life with it. Basically how much it effects them - and some of them were EXACTLY like me. Maybe part of it is not ADD or it's both things combined, but it really stuck with me. So I gave him the pages to read, and afterward he said "I am like 90% sure I have ADD". So I said maybe he should go to the doctor too. And he said no, he just deals with it. It pissed me off because it's like he's somehow better than me - he thinks he has ADD but he just turns it off during the day, and I have to take meds twice a day to last all day, and I STILL have trouble with it. But I didn't say anything because I knew I'd get more upset than I should - I know he didn't say it to hurt me, but the whole reason I gave him the book is so he would understand how difficult it is, better understand how I feel, and he basically blew it off. He has a great job and works hard all day, and thinks because he has to write down his to-do list that he has ADD. And I haven't held a job for more than 5 months, and I dropped out of college twice, before I knew I had ADD. I have to work as a freelancer because I literally cannot work in an office for 8 hours.
Plus it was 1 am. Argh. Sorry for the rant.


Anyway being able to come here and on the fibromyalgia board I think helps, even if I just read and see other people, I feel less alone.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/30/2008 2:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I can see why you would find his comment and attitude frustrating even though I'm sure he didn't mean them that way. I would probably have a similar reaction. You and I are the healthier ones in the end, though, because we are facing our problems and trying to deal with them, he is not. He believes he is "just dealing with it" but how much stress is he under? How does it affect his life? Does he suffer under all that stress? SO MANY people have been trained to mistrust mental health treatment, or even think that it's fine for other people but just not them. It's so hard to break that stigma.

I hope your mother is okay, and you are taking care of yourself. Is your husband otherwise supportive?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


jxrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/30/2008 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   
This is the book in case anyone else has read it or would like to: http://www.amazon.com/Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Adults-4th/dp/1589792378/ It's kind of old but the first chapter was what I had him read.

Serafena, That is why I didn't say anything, because I know he didn't say it to be mean, it's just that he doesn't understand. If he did need to go to the doctor I would take him, but I really think he just doesn't understand what ADD really is. He thinks that because sometimes he forgets to do things, he has ADD. I have never seen any other symptoms of anything other than he is very forgetful. I only know what I have read about ADD, my doctor told me, and what I have experienced, so my idea of what ADD is like could be different from him.

Here is a list of why he thinks he has ADD but won't go to a doctor:
- He forgets a lot of stuff short term
- He "deals" with it at work.
- He worries about things like money (don't all men?)
- He does have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. (Again...men can't multitask...and people with ADD have trouble focusing on even one thing without moving to something else.)

Okay and why I don't think he has it:
- He never has trouble with finishing things and I've never seen him hyperfocus more than any person with ADD might get very into a project, you know?
- He doesn't have the outbursts of anger that are also common.
- He doesn't act impulsively ever - for example: he saves his money very wells, plans how to spend.
- He doesn't talk constantly. He's very quiet and shy. When he does talk he thinks about it before and plan exactly what to say. I say this based on how he talks and this is also what he told me.
- He never loses things or complains about it and he's not disorganized. His desk at work looks like a sterile room. Mine looks like a tornado.
- He never gets bored.

Of course, I have only known him 5 years, but I really don't think he has ADD. Any of that stuff could just be his personality, and he does have ADD. If he does, I want him to go to the doctor because the Focalin I take helps IMMENSELY. I really feel that if I had known I had ADD and been treated, I could have finished college, instead of dropping out twice. Wheras my husband has no interest in college, he never even tried - he just got a great job. He has a lot of stress I know, but he works in a very demanding job. I don't want to talk bad about my husband, and I would of course want to support him if he did have it, but me saying I think he does have ADD would be like saying I think the dog has ADHD because she likes to run in circles sometimes. I found this quote on one site: "And although everyone sometimes has symptoms of ADD, only those with chronic impairments from these symptoms warrant an ADD diagnosis."

Anyway this is turning into a post about my husband lol. I love him so much and I want us to be happy, and I just wanted him to understand why I act the way I do sometimes. He is very supportive, he doesn't seem to hold a grudge if I act out towards him, he has no problem paying for any doctor visit or medicine, he encourages me to go if I think I need to.

Anyway I just spoke to my mom, she had the ECT for the second time today and is really pleased. She has had no memory problems and said she felt fine. Then she threw up, but then she was fine again. She was very tired but then perked up after we talked a while. I think the ECT is helping her. I don't understand it at all but if they think it will help her and she thinks so, then good. She is a psych nurse herself and I think it's been hard for her to acknowledge that she can still have mental health problems herself too. Then it's even worse because she sees the trouble I have and I think she feels guilty - but I tell her not to, and she says she knows it's not her fault, but we all know sometimes you can't help those feelings.

jxrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/30/2008 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh poop. I accidentally clicked a button and ignored Serafena without meaning to click it. My mouse moved. Can someone tell me how to undo it? I can't see her posts anymore!!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/30/2008 5:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Can someone else please write that it is on the control panel under "edit ignored users." She just has to click the "x" by my name.

Thanks,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 7/30/2008 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   

jxrose:

Serafena wrote this back to you:

"Can someone else please write that it is on the control panel under "edit ignored users." She just has to click the "x" by my name.

Thanks,
serafena"


~sukay~
 Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


jxrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 47
   Posted 7/30/2008 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks :)
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