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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/31/2008 3:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello all--I don't have much time this morning, I have to get ready for work.  I just wanted to reach out to my support system b/c I've been depressed everyday for a month now.  This week has been the worst.  I am calling my pdoc today to find out when I can get in.  I'm upset b/c I don't like a lot of the meds, so I don't want to try anything else.  Maybe we can just up the Lamictal?  Anyway, struggling bigtime at work.  I don't want to go at all today.  Well, better get ready.
 
I hope all of you are well.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


dknight
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Morning,

I wish you well today.  Occasionally focus on "Mother Nature".  She helps to get grounded and it is something beautiful to think and be with.  Create yourself a nice day.


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 7/31/2008 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogli,

I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I totally understand what you mean by not wanting to go to work, when depression hits that is one of the things that I don't want to do anymore. Especially since it becomes such a chore to get out of bed, let alone leave the house. Please go see your pdoc asap and hopefully raising the dose on your Lamictal will help. Also, try to do things that relax you and keep your mind of the depression, that is if you get a chance. Best Wishes and I hope you feel better soon. (((big hug)))

~Olivia
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator


Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 7/31/2008 5:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mogli,

Hope you had an okay day and will do better tomorrow. I too know exactly how you feel. I can't stand to be at work when I'm depressed. I hope the pdoc gets you in ASAP. Hugs in the meantime. Hang in there.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/1/2008 6:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there Mogs, I know you don't like the meds, but you will find the right stuff if you keep trying, then you will stay pretty stable.  Maybe you need to do a 4 month rotation on the ones that work for you, that way your never allowing your body to fully render any one not working anymore?  Just a thought.  Hugs to you, LFW

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/10/2008 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   

I want to thank you all so much for your support.  I feel bad it's taken me so long to reply.  I'm still depressed, and my pdoc's secretary never got back to me with an appointment.  I spoke to her four times on the phone and nothing.  Now they are off on holidays for this week, back the next.  To say the least, I'm not impressed.

The stress I've been under has been absolutely awful.  Definitely not happy in my relationship anymore and I think that's what's getting to me the most right now.  It's actually breaking my heart into a million pieces.  I love him so much, so so much.  This hurts deeply.  I'm just not getting what I want and need from him.  I don't feel that we're deeply in love with each other.  We love each other, but I feel that we basically co-exist in our day to day lives.  We met with a realtor about two months ago to see what we need to do to buy a home--we are about a year away from that goal.  However, he makes almost 3 times what I make and we haven't got a penny saved.  I keep trying to put my money away each pay I get, but my car has cost me $600 in the last month; paying the bills; groceries; rent...I just can't ever put anything away b/c I make so little.  He has extra money that he could put away, but he spends it.

He never, ever asks me how I'm feeling bp symptom-wise.  Ever.  I feel that he doesn't care about that at all.  Truly.  Beyond that I want to much to feel adored.  I want to feel like he misses me when we're apart (which isn't often or for long periods, but still...)  I want him to tell me I'm beautiful and that he cherishes me.  I want him to want to hold me.  Something else has changed recently.  He has become completely obsessed with what is "secretly and truthfully" going on in this world (governent/9/11 etc.)  He talks to me about it and I listen.  And I do have an open mind and have some interest for sure.  But it has taken over his entire being.  It is all he cares about, thinks about, talks about.  When I go to bed at night he's on the computer/reading books for hours.  It's all extremely depressing.  I feel like he can't be positive about one single thing.  He is constantly being critical and negative about everything.  I am not using the words constantly and everything lightly.  I mean it.

I don't see a future with a blissfully happy wedding and us making each other happy in our life together.

Here is the hard part.  I can't bring myself to talk to him about this.  I am thinking about these things all day long, and I know what would happen if I told him how I felt.  He's very sensitive, and has a temper.  He would be angry and it would all be about me making him out to be a big jerk.  In that regard he is completely immature.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on about my relationship on this board.  It is effecting my bp, big surprise.  I'm just not strong enough to say goodbye, or I just don't want to because it would hurt so much.   


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 8/10/2008 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
*hugs* I'm sorry you're still not doing well. I'm not either, probably going to post after I'm done here. I just recently crashed mood wise so I know how the depression is...mine obviously hasn't been going on as long as yours though. I'm also on lamictal. I think I'm up to 150 now and it's still not doing much I'm afraid. I've heard it's supposed to be more for bp depression than mania and look at us, we're both depressed. Maybe we're not on the right dosage yet? I hope you can get in to see your pdoc soon. That sucks about the vacation time though.

As for the relationship issues I'm there too. I didn't want to give up so I focused all my therapy on my issues with the relationship. Do you see a therapist? Maybe they can help you figure out what you should do. It's actually working for me, but the main thing I had to learn was to open up to my boyfriend. Does your boyfriend have any mental issues? Sorry if that sounds bad, but just from the little I've read...temper, focusing on negative things, being critical, sensitive, spending money. I don't know...just raised red flags for me. If you're to the point where you're thinking about ending things anyway what would trying to talk about this to him do? It might just make your decision easier. If you do decide to talk to him you'll have to learn to kind of rephrase things...this is what I've learned. Like...instead of saying "you never make an effort to talk to me, make me feel beautiful, etc." you could try "I've been feeling lonely lately, I feel like you're not as invested in getting a new house as I am, etc". Basically my therapist said that if you say things like never or always when describing an action the other person could feel attacked and become defensive. I could probably explain it better, but I'm hoping you get the jist of it. Also how long have you guys been together? Maybe it's been so long you've gotten into the "comfortable" slump. It happens to a lot of people where after a certain amount of time they don't put as much effort in because they're so secure and comfortable in the relationship they kind of feel they don't have to anymore. I hope I could help a little...I'm a bit out of focus so I hope I didn't confuse you. Keep us updated.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/10/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   

Mogs, I only have a moment but wanted to offer some input.  I will do them bullet point style.

  1. Do not apologize for sharing what you are going through right now.  While this site is BP based, it is about the lives of BP's and how life affects it all.  So, we are here to listen and support....no apologies necessary.
  2. If you are seeing the limitations to the love and relationship you are in, and if you can see that clearly your needs are not getting met, and it is not skewed by the BP filter....then I say BRAVO for being brave enough to confront the truth and be willing to acknowledge it.  The feelings you are describing are VERY normal, and while I understand your quandary about how to effectively speak to the bf about it, it is STILL "Good for YOU!"
  3. Now how to speak to the bf...don't. Write him a note perhaps expressing that it is time you have an important talk.  Tell him of your love for him, but there are things that are not working for you, and therefore require serious consideration as to the direction ultimately long term the two of you should take together.  You ask him for a time that would be good to sit down and discuss things.  This does a few things, lets him know there is an issue, lets him hear that you are coming from love for you both, and lets him emotionally prepare for the talk.  Express this is as much about your care for his ultimate happiness as your own.
  4. Lastly, the issue of your BP and how he won't deal with it.  The fact is Mogs, you are one of the ones trying to really be responsible about it.  To be open and honest.  Okay, maybe sometimes you hyper focus on it and feel like every bad feeling you have is connected to it, but the things you seem to want from him about it has always seemed quite reasonable to me.  The fact that he wants to lead your lives with "0" attention on it has always seemed unbalanced to me.  The fact is, it is a part of your lives, and if you have to pretend for him that it is not so he is comfortable....then YOU my dear are simply doing TOO much of the work - Your relationship will NEVER have balance if he isn't sharing in the work load.  Now, with that said, I don't think it should be in the mix with everything...but what you seem to crave seems like a decent balance.  So take this feedback how you wish in the decisions you are working to make for yourself at this time.

I'm sorry your pdoc office is behaving like putz's, shame on them for not responding.  Hang in there kiddo...you really are doing just wonderful overall, even if it doesn't feel so good.  Sometimes the right decisions are not always the easy ones.  They don't initially make us feel good.  Make a plan; follow through with what YOU want and it best for you.  Deep caring and abiding love can exist in a friendship too; maybe that is where you and your bf are best suited in time.  We're here if you need us.  HUGS....LFW


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 8/11/2008 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   

Thank you both for your replies.  LFW, sound advice as always; thank you, hugs to you as well, I hope that things have started settling for you.

Closure-I'm not in therapy b/c I work full time w/no benefits.  But thank you so much for reminding me how to think in that mindset (the healthy therapy thinking).  Really your post made me feel so much better.

I will take things one day at a time and remember that I am important.  And I will keep you updated.

 

Many hugs,


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Trazodone 50mg/day & Lamictal 250 mg/day


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad I could make you feel better. Sorry to hear you can't do therapy. I'll be completely honest with you...I'm not a big fan of therapy. I've been in and out of it for almost 8 years now. Anyway things finally got bad enough for me to give in and try therapy again. So far it's helping. I know we're not therapists or even close to professionals, but keep talking to us...sometimes another person's perspective is a big help. *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Anytime Mogs, anytime. Hope it helped. You know, I also agree with Closure, that if this IS the direction you are thinking, you don't really have a lot to lose by totally telling the truth to him. But from the sound of it, I think he may respond better with some advanced heads up to the talk. And her points are also well taken about the style to which you communicate, although it can be hard when so much feels at stake, or one feels like the only one making the effort to communicate at that level of "responsibility", but it does help. Just stay VERY calm no matter what is said, and take your time. Whichever way you go on things, we're here, and we care about you. HUGS TO YOU....LFW

closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 8/11/2008 9:28 PM (GMT -7)   
aww...thanks LFW. I also agree with the advance notice thing that LFW has suggested. Sometimes when people are confronted with a major relationship talk like this one they feel that it's unfair since you had all this time to think about it and they've just had it sprung on them. Especially if that person doesn't feel anything's wrong in the first place. keep us updated hon! *hugs*
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!

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