Chicken or the Egg

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 8/3/2008 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I have posted a handful of times awhile ago. Although I have hypomania with sever depression I am being treated successfully with bupriopion.  Quickly a recap: my journey began with my wife of two years leaving me at Christmas.  I sought help, treated for depression and after several months of a P-doc my hypomania was discovered.  The hypomania is apparently mild enough no other meds are required. (briefly on another med but was not needed)  A new twist has presented itself.  Treatment for my loss (wife) has been difficult I have not made progress on this loss.  After 6 months a new discovery has brought me help but the enormity of the implications are difficult for me to digest.  
My wife (aka girlfriend at the time) and I had dated 19 years ago, under some odd circumstances we broke-up in 1992.  She sought me out in 2000 we dated five years and have been married nearly 3.  We have a fantastic daughter (2).  The problem is this......
The seeds of my depression apparently where planted in that break-up in 1992, the problems with hypomania, depression accumulated (lack of insight) (rapid cycling of hypo and depression) for nearly sixteen years which led to my marriage break-up in 2007.  I am speechless and guiltridden by this turn of events.  I have taken for this entire separation a stand back and given her space. She now has her own place.   I have confided in my sister this information she asked would you tell your wife what happen.  NO! she has had no intrestest in my recovery so far! I suppose i would tell if asked.  My questions are these, what do i tell my daughter when she gets older and ask?  I dont wish ill of my possible ex or guilt for her or my daughter.  Two; why if the depression started in 92 with the Cinderila story of us getting back together this didnt resolve this issue.  I think i may know the answer! The chemical imbalance does not get better without medication.  What seemed at the time a sever loss but at the time I thought managable loss 16 years ago lead too where im at. Can a incident like this trigger all of this?  Was this more tramatic than I thought?  Looking back this was the time that things seemed to go down hill in both my personal and professional life. 
I made this discovery in my last session and the tears never stopped so i could not get the answers i seek.  Needless to say this waiting a week for my next session is imposible.  Is this a case where I should bottle this up (never a good idea).....but maybe.....! I ask this as a person who has made substantial progress otherwise. This has in itself been a breakthrough for me by finding this skeleton in the closet, I may find peace.   I seek neither pitty from my potential ex or redemption or anything else. I respect her even now, sadden yes!  I am positive she would never ask, I would never tell her either unless asked (is that a good idea?) she expressed no interest whatsoever. The reason is very simple when i told her of my hypomania months ago, she told me their is no chance of reconcilation. Although this sounds terrible, I am resigned to the fact that those spouses who have lived with a bipolar II individual her reasons may be ligitmate.   I am very concerned about my daughters perception later in life.  What do I say?
I wish i knew how to cut and paste I would also put this in the depression fourm too! Moderator if its permissible could you do that for me?  I suppose everyone of us has a story but this!......geez......Thanks again!

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/4/2008 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Samoascookies, I am the spouse to a BP. NO...being regulated on meds or not, it is not easy. It can be lonely. And believe me, my man is a good man, well intentioned with a very loving heart. The problem is, I see it for others most of the time, not enough towards me. I get the bulk of the brunt of things. I am sorry for you that your wife has chosen to leave, for her...I will not judge her - this is a HARD life and a person can choose not to have to live it anymore. We spouses, and our happiness count too.

The fact is, if you told my H what it is like for me as a result of his behavior...he would not believe you. He is CONVINCED his perspective is right. He doesn't see the issues, or experience this side of it the way I do, and he won't even acknowledge it exists. In other words, he won't connect the dots. NOW...with that I think you can be so traumatized from a breakup with her so many years ago that it has been the trigger to all the "issues" you are having? No. That isn't to say there may not be unfinished business about it. But to be such a significant trauma the way you are I think you are just very sad, because you would have desperately liked a different outcome than what you have. You have a right to this sadness, but keep it in perspective too. Get the help you need, get control of your behavior and life....and go find your smile again. If you do this, and REALLY own your dx, and are totally responsible about your behavior about it forever more, one day you will find another partner and you will be happy again. The opportunity just may (or may not) be over with her. Only time will tell.

What to tell your daughter...the truth with all the love and respect you can. "Daddy & mommy love you. We love each other too, but because of grown up things, our love changed and we decided we could be better parents to you if we were better friends with each other, than we were as husband and wife. We will always love you, we will always take care of you, we will always be friends and love each other because we made you together." And then you back that up by treating your potential ex with total understanding and respect for the (I'm sure) very hard choice she is making. And be the best co-parent you can be. As your child asks more questions as she gets older...just always tell her the truth. Explain that, "daddy has this condition called BP and as hard as you tried, it was still hard to live with for her mommy. Sometimes without meaning to, daddy did not always act as loving as he should have, and was very moody. This prevented mommy from being as happy as you, her husband, wanted her to be, and together you decided to help mommy get her smile back by respecting when mommy said she didn't want to live together anymore." You tell her you understood and are not mad at her mommy. And then you go on being the best friend and co-parent with her mom you can be, and let her see your care and respect for her mom that way. THAT is all kids need under conditions like this.

Best wishes to you for wisdom, enlightenment, insight, and peace. LFW

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/5/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand how you feel. The guilt, the loss, the worry. Sometimes things in our past haunt us more than we want to believe. Trust me I have been there. The great the thing is when we ourselves can recognize our faults. You have! The rest can not be left to us. Just keep on the path you are on and the pieces will fall where they need. If she can handle and understand what you are going through then maybe in her own time she will come back, but then again maybe she will decide that it is not something she can handle. But I agree with this other persons need to get your smile back. It might sound bad, but focus on you right now. Your daughter will love you no matter what because you are her daddy. This is a bumpy and scary path to follow, but I am sure you can find the strength. If you are a religous person then it it is time to pray, to cry, leave it in God's hands now, and find that smile.

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/5/2008 3:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry samoascookies, I can't cross postings for you. Double postings are against the rules, but you're welcome to write a new entry for that board.

I'm sorry you're struggling through such a debilitating depression. It's a good thing you're working through the roots of your pain with your therapist. Whether they are so longstanding or from your more immediate loss, you still need to work through them now so you can learn to live with the loss and pain from now on. You want to get to the point where you can be a supportive, stable parent to your daughter, and only through working that out with yourself can you get there.

I am also sorry that your wife has made it clear she wants no reconciliation, but you will heal through this. You will be in charge of how your daughter perceives your bipolar as long as you are in control of your health as much as possible. I'm not sure of the details of your custody situation, and I hope your exwife will be fair to you despite her feelings. But in time, your daughter will form opinions and observations of her own that only you can influence.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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