Bipolar Husband Seems w'out Moods w'everyone but wife

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JH
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/3/2008 8:54 PM (GMT -7)   
My husband seems to be able to socialize with friends but not myself or son.  When we visit with him, he is detached, quiet and irritable with me.  I'm always walking on eggshells but he is able to be with friends at the movies without a problem.  When we went as a family, he said he was somewhat anxious and uncomfortable.  Does this make sense to anyone?  Also, I recommended this site to him and he went on once to give advice to someone else but not join.  His pdoc also recommended him to join a site as this, but he isn't doing it - just said that it felt good helping someone else on the site with his "wisdom".  I saw his therapist as I want to announce to him a formal separation and she told me not to just yet!!!  I can't live with this anymore.  The moods, misplaced anger towards me, etc.  HelP!

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I just read your other post about what your therapist said about the abuse. That makes sense. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I struggle so much to try and see what is him and abuse / manipulation; and what is the bp and treatable. I guess that I can only offer empathy. Hopefully, someone else has some answers.

JH
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Tks! I want to leave him in the sense of no longer being married but I will be there for him when he is open to it. It's tough visiting with him these days but the strange thing is that when he was released 2 weeks after our first weekend together (I had him over all day sat and sun) it was fine - I felt good. But for some bizarre reason it s gone away. I think for whatever reason he no longer trusts me anymore. now that is also upsetting because before I was an amazing woman and now I clearly am not. I would hate to be the next person is his path of anger if he goes off his meds again.

Serafena if you are out there, give me a line - you always have the best, softest advice!

JH
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:33 PM (GMT -7)   
P.S Are you and I the only ones not sleeping these days!

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/3/2008 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
JH, you're not alone. I to am a wife to a BP (and a mother to a son with it). Much of the time I feel the same interesting dynamic...he can pretty much hold it together with everyone else, but I seem to receive the brunt of everything (or our oldest son...although these days...his moodiness seems to in some ways be stretching to include the younger ones in small ways.) He is NEVER violent, or excessively cruel...i.e. name calling, threats, vicious attacks – although he can get very unkind...etc....but it is mostly just the relentless and consistentness that it is ALWAYS something one of us is doing that is irritating him, frustrating him, being "inconsiderate" to him....victim! And when he is not playing victim and then punishing me/us for it, he is snarling and turning everything into a power struggle, argument, berating or in general being short and distant...even when there is no reason. He, like your husband does not see this in himself. I am at a phase in this marriage of great loneliness. He is also regulated on his meds, is responsible about it in that he takes his meds regularly - sees all the appropriate docs regularly - etc. But NEVER has he elected to get totally responsible or educated to this BP he has – how it manifests even though he is regulated on the medication – therefore how to be responsible about it and control himself. Now, I say that without blame...as I am not angry at him for being a man with BP – he didn’t choose it any more than I did, but I totally understand not wanting to live like this anymore too…I can totally empathize with you - love for our spouses or not. For me, I have not elected to leave...but to be honest; I don't think HIS therapist has a right to tell you not to. BP affects not only the one with it, but those of us who love them and live with them too. YOU have a right to choose out without judgment from ANYONE else. There is no shame in this IMO. This is without exception a hard life to live. Regardless of the level of BP you are dealing with.

Again, I say this to you dealing with a milder level of BP compared it would seem to most (although still not easy) – mine is still an honest man, never cheats, lies, excessively spends, is ever violent, or battling an addiction of alcohol (or some such thing). It is just relentless, never ending “STUFF”. But, if I ever decide to leave, then I would do it when I felt the time was right for me. I count too after all, just as much as he does = and so do you my dear…so do you.

SO, if you are SURE that is what you want…YOU decide when and go to his therapist and tell him WHEN and ask for support and help for your H, and even to help you tell him if you need that. If he tells you to wait, you respectfully say NO if you want to. You tell him to help or not, but you will now do what you need for you. You remind him that while your spouse may be his patient…to some degree, so are you, and you & your needs count too.

My best wishes for you to the outcome you desire and deserve for you – regardless of what it is. All that is for you to decide for yourself…and remember - there is no right or wrong no matter what you choose. Just be as compassionate, fair and responsible in the choices you make as you can to all involved. LFW

mom2four
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 45
   Posted 8/3/2008 10:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, obviously not the only ones not sleeping. I somehow missed my husband's surprise arrival- he ambushed my poor teen son. We thought he was not in this part of the country. I don't know what to tell you about the therapist (LFW has so much more experience). I feel unsupported by my therapist because after seeing both of us together and seperately, he just keeps telling my to get a divorce and a restraining order. I feel so guilty-especially when he says that he wants help. He never gets it though. I just keep falling for it. I was sleepy, but I just got off the phone with him, and he is hostile, so I am nervous. He wants me to take the day off work so that he can spend the day with us. I have only spoken to him once this week- and I know that is why he came home. I should have known better. I have just really reached my coping limit- he is like a bulldog, just relentless. I have sent videos of the baby, and amswered emails, but no phone calls, The once was enough. He just keeps mailing me scripture and preaching to me about the "divorce" which I never filed for- and accepts no blame whatsoever. He doesn't even ever say "bipolar" out loud, much less seek treatment. His idea of treatment is screaming at the therapist for an hour, telling him how wrong he is. I am with you on the "in the path of anger". I now have to have my children around a man that the church trespassed for threatening a police officer during Sunday School, and the judge wants armed sheriff guards around whenever we go to court. I feel so badly for him, but like such a horrible mother for having him around my children at all. He is totally hostile toward all of us right now. Only he and God are right. The rest of us are in left field.

JH
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 8/4/2008 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Actually, my husband was hospitalized for 6 weeks, assaulted 2 nurses causing stitches and fractures and off meds believes that we are host bodies to aliens and wanted to take my son and I to a higher level of ascension. In my view, theres only one way to go there and I choose not to.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/4/2008 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
To both mom2four & JH...when you are talking violence from a spouse...forgive me ladies...but all bets are off and LOVE has no place – nor does it really exist anymore – that is called your own addition….to HIM. That is a line IMO, that when a person crosses....there is NO return from...BP OR NOT. I am quite strict on that issue for myself and any other human being. LOVE can not exist with violence and threats like that...nor can true compassion. ONLY fear takes over and replaces those emotions. YOU BOTH have children to protect. IF NOT YOU than WHO????? Time to put their wellbeing WAY before your own, and CERTAINLY before his. These men have given up all of their rights behaving as this. These may be VERY harsh words, but there is a reason a therapist is telling you both to get way the hell out of dodge!!!!!!!!!!!!! Threats at this level with such an unstable human being is simply TOO much of a risk. Time for BOTH of you to take some very pro-active measures, up to and including MOVING AWAY to protect those kids (assume new identities if you have to)...but time to exit the building if you get my drift. One minute spent worrying about whether you will still be here tomorrow – or what might go bump in the night - is too much. THOSE kids ONLY have you, your spouses have proven to be incapable. They can cry for help all they want...truly. But if you exit, they finally get well, they will NOT be mad at you for taking the action you have to protect the children....THEY WILL THANK YOU for being strong enough to do it. IF THEY DON"T....THEY ARE NOT WELL!

Please ladies, I implore you to not play this game any more and take the true action that protects you all. You and your children’s safety should be the number one priority for you both. It certainly is mine in saying this so straight out to you both. I wish you wisdom to make the right choices for you all, and the emotional strength to then take whatever action is needed. LFW

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/5/2008 1:38 PM (GMT -7)   
JH-- Thank you so much for your vote of confidence. That's very sweet. I'm sorry I was MIA for a day.

I am concerned that his therapist would ask you to continue putting you and your son at risk if you're ready to go. You have to go with your instincts. Your husband's behavior is an unknown -- I'm not surprised that he can't be himself around you either. He is able to hide his illness around his friends but not with you because you're the one person who is consistently pushing him about it. You are still an amazing woman; you've been putting up with a LOT and when you've worked this all out somehow, you'll look back and see.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/5/2008 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
momtofour -- How do you feel about the reappearance of your husband in your house? What's next? Where's he staying? Do you have any plans?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/5/2008 5:08 PM (GMT -7)   
confused   Hi there, I understand your pain. I have been married to a man for 38 years the last 15 which have been a nightmare!! He is bi-polar but starts and stops meds every few months and cant focus on anything for a long period of time. On top of that is binge drinks and in the past 2 months has been gone 2-3 days evry few days. He comes back sorry and depressed but as soon as he is alone he is gone again. I cant save him from himself and I have to try to save me.
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