Well, today is another depressed day and I went to see my ob yesterday for a check-up and he and the nurses noticed how I really wasn't myself. My ob told me to call my pdoc today and I did and he was out of the office. So I panicked. I was already crying like crazy and I called my ob as he said to if I couldn't reach my pdoc. He wanted to put me in the hospital. Well, that made me more hysterical; I couldn't leave my one year old daughter nor my husband even though I knew/know that is the best thing for me to do. I told him that I wanted to talk with my family first. In the meantime, I called the on-call pdoc and demanded that he get me in touch with my pdoc right away. Luckily, my pdoc called me back in like ten minutes time. We talked and I told him about my last four days and all the Ativan I had taken and how I was concerned for my unborn child getting addicted to it. I had only taken it three, four at the most times a day and it works for a couple of hours then I am at square one again crying. So he upped the dosage of my tegretol, told me not to worry about the Ativan to keep taking it as needed because I was safe (I hadn't taken it 7 or 8 times a day for 7 days or more) and to come see him Monday morning. So I called my ob back and told him the news and he was relieved that I had gotten in touch with my pdoc. I just didn't want to see whoever was on call at the hospital; I wanted my pdoc. I have slept most of the day; it is 3:00 pm right now. I still feel so detached and lost in space; so depressed and so hopeless. I increased my noon meds already but can't tell a difference yet; it takes time.
My mom and dad are helping take care of my baby and I just miss her so very much. It shows with her too. She is clingy when I am around and it breaks my heart to see her hurt too. It hurts me so bad that I am in this dark place right now and cannot spend time with her. But I know that I have to take care of me and my unborn son. I am so torn and twisted up inside over this that it makes me feel so much worse. I pray that tomorrow will be a much better day for me and I will feel at least a little better. Here I go crying again.
I hope all of you are in a good place today.
"I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell." Matchbox Twenty