Help me be the best man I can to my Bipolar Ex

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''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 3:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
Im asking for your help please find time to help me be the best man I can for my Ex. If you read my two posts yesterday you will see I am the ex partner of the most brilliant woman I have ever met. I have let her down at times and failed to listen to her needs and taken so much personally in the past since her dx. She has recently ended our relationship. I love her so very very much and know that the feelings will never leave me. I don't know what the future will hold for me or if she will ever look back and see me waiting. I have learn't so much in my errors as trying to be the perfect partner for someone dealt with Bipolar, I understand more and more each day. I may never get the second chance to make good my mistakes it's not my decision at the end of the day it's hers. I just want to be the Best Man i can for her now. So i am asking if you could all write me the top 10 ways in which I can best be there... Thinks like understanding the need for personal space, not wrapping her up in cotton wool etc... It is so hard knowing what to do at times and I want to learn more than anything for her. I thought what better way to learn than to ask people who have been there and know. Please be honest, you won't offend or upset me I just want to get it right from now on and make a difference!
Be cruel and honest it will help me in the long run!
Thank you so much   
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/10/2008 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
She is getting support tomorrow but im so scared. It is like dajavous from the first time she got ammitted. All the same signs and actions. When she was last admitted they said she was in a state of mania. She has been self medicating, hiding from reality with friends, has got phycosis back, pushed me away and ended our relationship again, lost sight of her goals etc etc..... I know she only has one more sleep till help arrives but it scares the hell out of me. Im not there to help this time im trying to stay away as she asks but am sure a state of mania is ahead. What is the best way to help her? Im heading off to work and im dreading thinking it over and over for my 12hr shift. I know her parents will keep her safe but just wish I knew how to react and support her best when she seems to not want my help at all.
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/10/2008 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Tunny, the first thing you have to do, IMO, is recognizing you can not change this. You can not "save" her. You can ONLY offer your love and support, and if she wants what you have to give...great....if not...you need to let go and get on with your own life. IMO, you should write her a letter, apologize for your missteps...the moments you feel you let her down as it were, and then express in writing that if she needs you, wants you, reaches out to you in anyway, you will not let her down...you are 100% available and there for her. Make it clear that she will need to let you know what she wants or needs, because that unless she does, you are respecting her and her request at this point that you "give her space".

By writing it down, she can choose to look at the letter whenever she wants, or she can choose to toss it. But it is all her choice and you will have done all you can. If she reaches out, let HER lead the show, set the pace and boundaries with what she is comfortable with regarding you - until equal footing is re-established between you (if it ever is again). Other than this...you can certainly keep in touch with her parents once a week to check in on how she is doing.

I hope you are able to focus on moving your own life positively forward. I think your intention is certainly lovely, and shows great love for your ex. I hope you are able to show yourself the same level of compassion and commitment to move forward and recreate a happy loving life for yourself whether it ever includes her again or not. My best to you. LFW

''Tunny''
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 8/11/2008 6:59 AM (GMT -7)   
loving frustrated wife,
Thank you so much for your reply. I think a letter is the option and agree that the importance of her having the choice to read it and digest it or ''toss it'' sounds fair. I have a lot going on at the moment and my head is all other the place. I have a new dx that scares me to death and as yet have been unable to tell her about because she has enough of her own to deal with just yet. I need her here to support me through it but at the moment and for how long im not sure that just would'nt be fair. I was thinking last night whilst trying to work (it was the longest night shift of my life) and came up with what I think might be a plan ahead. I am going to have to seek medical help for myself I know that, the problem is im in the forces and all the support I need is on leave at the moment for another month at least. I would really like her to come with me to see the doctor, I need her to push me into opening up with my own problems im just not sure if that is fair to ask that of her when she has so much to deal with? I have a month to keep plodding on before having to make a decision to ask for her support or not. But between now and then I was wondering if It would be a good idea to send a letter via my ex's support worker, explaining all my feelings my errors and feelings. then he can decide what is best for her at the moment and ever read it / give it to her when the time is right weather that be next week, a month or never. I just don't want to drag her down but want her to know. What do you think? Can you think of a better idea or anyother suggestions? I want to protect her from me messing this up! :-)
 Tunny
 Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being
 
Trying to be me so she can find me & I can support my Ex-Partner    - Bipolar Forum
Depression    - Depression Forum                 
Newly diagnosed with Chronic Pain    - Chronic Pain Forum
 
 


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 8/11/2008 10:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Tunny, I am not totally clear on what you are asking. What I hear you saying in a nutshell is that your ex is having severe BP swings and is in and out of the hospital potentially and has opted out of the relationship at this time and wants you to “give her space” as in…back off. YOU, have been dx’ed with something that you are nervous or scared about and want her support to “get through it” (although you have been vague about whatever that is – which is fine), you are in the military and currently others who you can turn to for support in place of her, are currently on leave for another month…so you are feeling quite alone at this moment. You want to do what is right for your ex, and you feel bad for moments you feel you have somehow let her down in the past, hurt her, not been the best of yourself for her ….etc., but your really now want her to help you through this, the way you feel you have tried to help her through her stuff. You agree a letter may be a good way to go on communicating your desire to support her, but don’t know if it is appropriate to tell her about whatever it is that is really going on with you….should you talk to her case worker and leave the decision in his hands…etc. Do I have this all right???? If so….here are my thoughts for you, but if not, fix what I got wrong in the above mentioned information and I will attempt another pass at it if the information is different.

1st, I am sorry you are ill. As to what to do about it, I suppose the best thing I can say is YOU take care of yourself fully. Reach out to your friends and family vs. her. Speak to her parents, tell them the truth of what is going on, and ask them if they think she can handle the news. If so, include a paragraph in the letter to her. The key on this is to communicate on this responsibly…meaning just the facts; the dx, what you are doing to take care of yourself, what you would like from her if she ever feels up to it, understanding if she does not want to or does not feel she can. NO GUILT is the key.

The fact is, you may sadly be in a situation that your reality is simply that YOU need to fully rely on you for this. If you know that you need to open up to the doctors….then just DO it, don’t wait for her or anyone else to “support you” with that…YOU support you. Does that make sense? You are a grown man, and sometimes in life you need to suck it up and just do what needs to be done. Time to make YOURSELF the priority, not her. When you are through whatever this is, if you want to refocus on her…then…your choice. But right now – you need to be your top priority. Stay in touch with her parents to both let them know how you are doing, and find out updates on her. But stay open for support to come to you from sources you are not even thinking about. If you stay responsible, then it will show up for you somehow. The universe has a way of working that way. Just do what you must, make wise (not necessarily the easy) choices for yourself and gain strength and wellness for yourself…fully.

I hope that helps. Best wishes to you. LFW

justbelieve08
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 8/21/2008 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, noticed your post was from Jan 08. What is going on now? Are you guys back together? Please let me know. I am in a very similar situation as you are/were.
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