Hello everyone !
I am a bipolar and I was diagnosed with this disease in 2002.I was on treatment for a while until I met my ex on the internet who convinced me to stop the treatment.We started an overseas relationship and in 2004 I imigrated to Canada.
I did not have any episodes of depression or mania until Oct. 2007 when I ended up in the hospital.
I had to put up with a lot of things from my ex who does not have any respect for anyone who has this disease.He always called me emotionally unstable and told me that I am not bipolar and if I exercise,read motivational books ,listen to motivational tapes and learn to play chess,I don't need the medication.
He is a maniac.He always gave a hard time, was always not satisfied about how I look,was also emotionally abusive,very verbally aggresive with my few friends from Canada,etc.,he did not want to make our relation public also.I didn't know all this things at that period of time.I was thinking that I am not good enough for him.I always tried to please him and it wasn't enough.
In august 2007 he came home and told me that it's possible for him to loose everything that he has because he was on debt : 600.000 CAD.He did not pay his taxes.When he told me this...I was shocked and I asked him what he did with the money and he replied that it's not my business.
After this he started to be very irritable all the time and he was giving me a hard time at work.We used to work together.Most of what I was doing was wrong...
Other things happenned also that put a lot of pressure on me and I decided to leave him and I did...but with so much stress that I had to handle I ended up in the hospital.The police found me in the car.The only thing that I knew right were my name and my date of birth, everything else in my head was a mess...
After 10 days of hospitalization I was put on medication and I took it 2 days.Meanwhile, my ex was sending me e-mails telling me mean things .I replied once and told him that I asked for help,and I was on medication and he told me again that it's a wrong thing that I take the medication.
I don't know why I stopped the medication again and it get worse....I ended up in the hospital again and because I did not realize how sick I was....when I left the hospital I was so manic that I could not sleep at all, I was thinking that I am Queen's Elizabeth best friend, I could not wear any colors,I was dressed only in black, I had panic attacks that were very strong,I could not eat,or drink I felt that I am possesd by the devil, I was going out only at night so nobody will see me...I was craving very bad for fish and cheese,I was always hot and in that period of time outside was snow,but I did not care...
What I can remember....I can tell you...I was very bad and I ended up in the hospital again, three times in 1 month and a half.
The police brought me again....Oh,God...it's so painful when I am talking about this....
My parents from Europe didn't know anything about me and my ex did not come to visit me at the hospital...The person that I loved the most dissapointed me when I needed him the most...
After 10 days of hospitalization, I started to feel better and a good friend came to pick me up from the hospital and brought me to her house.
I started to take the medication,Lithium and Olanzapine and I started to feel better but I could not realize what Is happening with me...
After a couple of days ,when I realized that that I quit my job, I don't have any money in my bank account because I spent everything 12000 CAD in 1 month and a half , that I left my ex,that my parents are so far away in Europe the depression came and I started to cry almost every day.
But...I was lucky...a friend of mine with who I was not allowed to talk told me to go and visit her for a while in a different province.My parents sent me some money from Europe and I decided to go.
I was in a very bad shape...I became so depressed...I was taking just Lithium 900mg/day because I did not have any money for Olanzapine,I was in debt 25.000 CAD, everything was a mess in my life.
After 1 month, I decided to start to work and I was talking with my parents every week,they wanted me to go back to Europe.
After 3 months I decided that I am going back home,I fill out my forms for bankrupty and left Canada.
Now I am home,after what happened to me I know I am a bipolar and I am taking my medication: Sodium Valproat 900 mg an Olanzapine 2,5mg.I already have 5 months on this medicaton and I feel ok.
Pretty soon, I will open my own business and I hope that everything will be ok.
I also met somebody that is younger than me and we started a sexual relationship.He told me that he is not ready for a stable relationship and I accepted.
I feel good when we are making love,but I feel bad before and after, because even if he will be ready, if I will tell him that I am a bipolar, he will run from me.
My parents don't know this and this stresses me out also.But it's so good when we are together even just for a short period of time.
Sometimes I feel like a ********** because I am doing this and I don,t have the courage to talk about this with anybody.
Logically I know that if a relation starts like this, the chances to become a serious one are very few, but emotionally, I like to believe that he will want more in time.
I tried to break up with him but he is sending me messages and we talk on messenger and he tells me how good he feels with me and how much he likes me.
I am so confused about this and I know that nobody wants a serious relationship with somebody who has a mental disease and it's so hard to be 37 and not to have a normal sexual life.
I know I wrote a lot but I cannot talk with any of my friends about this.The only ones that know about my disease are my parents and my relatives.
I hope my story will hep other persons not to do the same mistakes that I did and i also hope that somebody will answer to my letter and give me an advice about what should I do with my relationship.
Thanks a lot !