Bi-Polar Spouse

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luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/25/2008 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
 I wonder if any one here has any thoughts on letting go of a spouse that is bi-polar? I have been married for 39 years the past 15 a roller coaster. He is in and out  of treatment and on his meds some of the time. Now he is drinking heavily and I have lost the ability to even talk to him He leaves and comes back 2 3 or 4 days later sick and hung over. He has a great doc but he wont be honest with her and she cant help him that way. I went with him last month and she got the whole picture. She is suppose to see him tommorrow but he is off drinking tonight so I dont know what will happen. I am at the end of the road with this and dont know what to do. I want him to be accountable but he refuses. When he has been stable he is a sweetheart ,but when he isnt he is totally out of control. Should I make him move out until he seeks serious help? Right now he is only here when he is hung over or broke. It is killing me but I know he has to want the help or ther is nothing I can do, any thoughts?I am loosing myself in the middle of all of this. cry

ddd
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/26/2008 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I don't know much, I do know that I used to do all that to my ex husband, I am bi-polar and i used to go on massive binges and not answer to him or even think about anything except me and then come home and beg for forgiveness and promise not to do it again and be steady for a while then do it all again... I can say that in order to empathize with the situation he is going through that you have to imagine like this feeling just growing inside you until you can't handle it , and you just have to go, like flee and get away from it. Then once you get it out, it seems like you just need to go home??? I hope that makes sense? I used to do it to my family and leave my son at my parents and leave my husband and just take off and then return later. Its got to be a tough position to sit and watch it happen and not even be able to fathom what the person is thinking. Im sorry you are going through it. From this end, I would tell you that only time helps and just fighting the disorder, it always takes on new faces I think but there seems to be seasons of different behavior with it for instance I used to run out and party and drink and now I am a total recluse, scared to leae the house???? I think sometimes there's nothing that can be done except letting it run its course....I would weigh whether or not this is what you want to be doing, and I would really evaluate the possibility of your codependency on his reactive behavior.... I think that I acted worse with my ex husband cuz I wasn't happy with him or my situation and it would set me off into those episodes more frequently than now..... You need to protect yourself and not let him suck the life and joy out of you.... so whatever you decide to do, quit letting him walk on you and make him realize there's consequences to this behaviour long term even if he is bipolar. It just takes longer to realize the effects of poor choices with us.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/26/2008 8:53 AM (GMT -7)   
luvluvmedo,

In some ways, it might even be the kind thing to do. You are stuck in a very unhealthy cycle right now and he is not going to break his end of it without some serious intervention. It's going to have to come from you. Is that what it's going to take to show him that his behavior is unacceptable and he needs to be responsible for it? Then you may be even doing him a favor as well as saving your own sanity.

Alcoholism is a very common problem with bipolar. He has a long road ahead of him. The responsibility for his recovery is HIS, not yours, and you have to let him take ownership of it.

If you aren't sure you want to break it off entirely, try a separation and place a stipulation of coming back that requires him to get help.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2008 3:47 PM (GMT -7)   
cry   Thank you. we have separated now. I seem to be taking it harder I guess I am co-dependent! It is so sad. He is thinking of going into a half way house for 90 days. Or so he says,I dont think he is serious yet,just talking about it. He said to me the other day he didnt know if he could do it.I told him do it for yourself, You have to help yourself. Should I cut all ties during this time? Or should I still comunicate with him?

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/10/2008 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Congratulations on doing the hard thing (getting out) which is also the right thing. I have been on both sides of this duet and can say, the side you are on is soooo much harder. Before being DX'd with BiPolar, I was a miserable b----, to my partner. I would go out, drink, not come home, I even left my small children with relatives for long periods of time b/c the easing of the psychological pain was more important than anything. Then there was a family intervention, I was forced into recovery, I did lose my partner but salvaged my relationship with my children. Had my family, partner, responsibilities given in to my acting out behavior, softened in their "tough love" position, I would never have cleaned up, gotten sober and began an acceptable life. You, stand your ground. Don't soften. If you do you'll never be taken seriously by your partner again and you will most definitely lose him and he may lose himself. Now, for the flip side. I loved a BiPolar alcoholic, even though I was sober. He kept on going into treatment, cleaning up for a bit, slipping, falling way down, and even though we did the forgive me, it'll never happen again dance, for years, I lost him. I hurt for ten years. Longed for the sober person, wished and hoped and hung on, and hurt and hurt some more. I couldn't get on with my life. I ended up moving 2500 miles away for four years, and don't have a clue whether he is dead or alive.Co-dependency is a miserable existance. Your life goes out the window for someone who is determined to destroy themselves as you stand by helpless.There are some excellent books out there on co-dependency. Women who love too much, co-dependency and beyond, smart love. Get to a library. Get to an al-anon meeting. Get to a Coda meeting. All AA tel no.s will give you times and locations of al anon, and Coda metings. As a Bipolar woman who has had about four or five great loves in my time, and now have a good relationship (for the most part) with my grown children, I simply don't bother with relationships much, anymore. I've loved and lost, enough already. I do have a couple of good friends worth their weight in gold bouillion, who keep me sane. I just feel like if I'm ready and the right person happens along, well, I'll settle for that. I've tried the online dating thing, too clinical for me. I too love my dogs. 

luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2008 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
blush   I am trying to hang on to my decision. We have been together my entire adult life. We have had at the beginning a great marrige. He loves are children and grandchildren and It breaks my heart they have to got through this too. But the past 15 years or so have been some really horrible times. He has drank gambled had affairs. disappeared for days. Spent more money than I will ever know about and I have stood by watching. I have my own bussiness for the past 11 years,thank God! I love what I do and that helps. I also have my dogs which love me unconditionally. Right now the nights are so very hard. I cry  alot and try to stay busy. I hope as some time goes by it gets easier. I wont back down, I cant because I dont want to waste what time I have left on this beautiful earth.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/10/2008 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
It's good to hear from you luvluvmedo. I'm sure it's terrible times right now. But stick to your guns. Do you have plans about getting together or splitting permanently? Has he gone into treatment?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2008 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   
 Hi yes it is pretty terrible. I am having to let go and let God do whatever he sees fit. I am hearbroken and I dont know if this is permanent. If he doesnt go into tretment it will be  Of that I am sure,If he does get help I still am not sure .There has been so much damage done between us I just dont feel the same. I wont know until some time has passed and some stability comes back. He says he is thinking of going into a half way house but I dont know if that is just talk or if it is real. He has lied so much I  dont try to figure it out. I hope he finds his way back to inner peace and stability,time will tell.

Diskus
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 9/11/2008 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Have your children been supportive of you?

luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/11/2008 7:21 AM (GMT -7)   
 Yes they are very supportive, I think I have been the weak link here! It is hard after 39 years to do this I must and I will but it is painful and so very sad.
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