New Member - Help, wife and I are separating... and I think its because of her BP

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TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/26/2008 10:27 AM (GMT -7)   

Help - I am so confused with what is going on in my life... trying to understand how my wife's BP is impacting our children and our marriage. 

 

A few months back, my wife, not happy moves out of our marital home... I believe this was easier than most would think as everything was in my name solely... leave on no ties... but this is going down a different road for discussion later...

 

My wife had a hysterectomy a couple years ago and had been battling with emotional ups and downs.  She had been talking with our doctor for several months without letting me know… well, actually I was seeing our doctor who put me on anti-depressants to address the feelings I had been experiencing and not knowing why or what was causing such swings in my marriage.  As it turns out, after eliminating several possibilities, he diagnosis her with BP and sends her to PDoc.  The typical year with experiments on drug cocktails… she thinks she is doing fine…

 

Before I go on to the next issue, I have to share that I found it odd that the pdoc would record his observations while she was in the room… I mention this because I started noticing her making sure she was showered and looked good for going in to see the doctor – so she could get the positive reinforcement of hearing him verbally dictate his observations – I believe this has been a detriment to her treatment as she does not spend that kind of time on a daily basis…

 

So, with her living on her own, I attempt to make a go at reconciling.  Unfortunately, it was akin to banging my head against a brick wall.  Nothing was ever right – I didn’t do laundry right, I didn’t do the floors the right way, I spent too much time worrying about taking care of the cars when I should have been helping her… the list goes on and on…

 

One thing that concerns me is that she is drinking quite a bit.  She says her pdoc says it is okay… but that is not what I have read.  I am not asked to participate in her pdoc visits… I have tried, but from stuff she has said about me, her doctor thinks that I am part of her problem – and that she needs to find someone and settle down – be happy watching a movie on the sofa, etc…   HELLO, I am a man and a perfect couch potato!

 

She has done several things that have hurt – leaving the marital home being one… one other, which she vehemently says is innocent is a relationship she struck up with a guy she met at the gym.   Knowing the manic tendencies, I have concern and have been vocal with them… She swears nothing has happened, although one time something almost did… and one time in anger, actually telling me something did happen…  Anyway, I expressed my concern and told her that continued contact was inappropriate – maybe a bad choice of words but is how I am feeling – only to be told that he is a friend and I am being paranoid. 

 

A few weeks ago, I had enough – explained it isn’t working, she doesn’t listen to what people are saying… and she does a complete 180… things were great, we were looking at a new house – something that could be ‘ours’… but the ‘buying’ impulse hits and of course the $1600 a month house that we loved was leased immediately, but instead of looking for others in that price range, she starts sending links to houses that were $2,200 and $2,500 a month – a level that we couldn’t keep up with while married with both of our incomes.  While I had a desire to get into a house that could again be considered “ours” I backed off because of where it was going financially.  When I backed off, her last ‘buying’ impulse – a new car started to kick in again… the Tahoe bought for her earlier this year wasn’t good enough… she justified saying it was falling apart, the transmission was breaking, the a/c was breaking and then starts looking at newer Mercedes convertibles, BMWs and Audis…  While there were some that would be considered in her price range – 2001 – 2003 model years… she started looking at 2005’s because they were ‘newer’ body styles.  I could not be supportive of her getting into something that she couldn’t afford and quite frankly in a decision that would have caused a lot of loss on the Tahoe – have you seen gas prices?  Well trade-in values are not kind to people wanting to get rid of big SUVs after 6 months… Needless to say, I wouldn’t be supportive and as a result, I was blamed as ‘taking all the excitement out of buying a new car.’

 

The real kicker in all this is that because of her first marriage, her credit was severely blemished, so everything was in my name… needless to say, I am currently in bankruptcy and with things looking gloomy for the two of us, am having trouble finding a rental that would be suitable for my kids and one that even comes close to the meager lifestyle that we lived previously…

 

I would have preferred to work on the relationship while we were together, but things just were getting worse and worse… she started talking to the guy from the gym several times a day… even when I was home… again, even as recent a yesterday… being told he is not a problem…

 

Submitting with tears… please, I need advice…

Post Edited (TTown) : 8/26/2008 11:31:22 AM (GMT-6)


ddd
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/26/2008 10:39 AM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry for you and for her and all the people getting hurt here.... Not sure what to tell you, but I just wanted you to know that here people support you... I think you are a strong person and that you should rely on the fact that you know better than to let things go where they are going especially the financial aspect and the fact that she's talking to other men in your house. Thats not good for a relationship. I am bp and I have done a lot of the things she is doing and it heads in a bad direction quickly. Also is she only on an antidepressant????? Its a fact that people with bi polar tendancies can get really manicky really fast without mood stabilizers. I am experiencing that again right now. . No matter what it is important to protect yourself, there are so many posts on here and so many of them resemble eachother, its a very destructive disease and its sad. I hope just talking about it can help you to feel a bit better????? d

TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/26/2008 10:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, I hate that I have to talk annonymously, but have been told by her that anytime any of her family talks about her BP, we are just conspiring against her... I appreciate the opportunity, feedback and advice.

No, the doc gave me anti-depressants to help me deal with the ups and downs while things leveled out... she is on lithium and maybe adderall right now... she was on lithium and other meds prior... but she tends to self medicate with the adderall when she doesn't think things feel right - and I think her doc knows this...

Speaking of adderall, she tends to stay up late - I know this is a side effect of adderall as our son from her first marriage has ADHD and he takes that kind of medication - and sleeps in late - leaving me to get the kids ready for school and be to work on time... her job is out of the house... which I think doesn't give her the structure she so deperately needs, but she won't give it up because of the flexibility it gives her...

Trouble on self medicating because she has never had a baseline, nor any significant time trying to level certain cocktails out...

ddd
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/26/2008 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
holy crap you just opened up a whole new can of worms telling me that!!!! She needs to get off that stuff asap and if I were you I would get far away from anyone on it. Adderall I believe has done permanent damage to me personally. I was on it and I havn't recovered. that stuff is evil ... You will destroy anyone and anything in your path and have totally nothing but sociopathic and narcissistic behaviour cuz it is amphetamine...I mean whoever decided it was good to put anyone on meth in a pill is crazy... I bet she loves it, she's high, probably lost weight and is creative and feels like what she would describe as herself!!!!! wow, get away from that situation...she will come down crashing and have to put her life back together and spend a lot of time learning to deal with herself ..... All I can say is that this is not good from personal experience.... It has devastating consequences, almost untreatable depression for long long periods of time, that stuff will suck your soul out of you and leave you dry.... HSevere anxiety and that's just a few, inability to ever concentrate or to ever feel like "you" again.... man bad deal if she's self medicating with adderall...what do you think...????? Do you think maybe the selfishness and disregard for anyone's feelings and total lack of realization that she's losing control may be due to the fact she's tweaked out???

TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/26/2008 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
shocked   your description kinda sounds familiar...
 
I guess if she doesn't feel right on the prescribed adderall and is not taking it consistently, that is a good thing, but it does sound like the side-effects are, to an extent, what we are experiencing...
 
I think the bigger problem is that her pdoc does not get the true picture... she figured out quickly how to get the positive remarks... even getting the positive remarks is important to her... but doesn't really matter given that she doesn't see her doctor daily... (not saying she should - but if getting her out of bed and showered on a daily basis at a normal morning hour was the result, it wouldn't be bad)

ddd
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/26/2008 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   
ya its funny how manipulative BP can be... Almost like we map out all scenarios and how to explain and convince our way out of them.....Been there done that... Guess the good news is after adderall I decided to get sober..... meaning I couldn't take what it had done to me as a person, the decisions I made thinking they had been thought out and were "my" decisions, the stuff it caused mentally, paranoia, anxiety, life got harder for a while but now I am in a place where I see what happened during the period I was manic and medicating with drugs and alcohol and I choose to never ever return to that... the point of all that being that sooner or later you hit rock bottom with the disease and with substance abuse and realize cleaning your life up and being honest and living a better life without the chaos isnt easy nor will it ever be but its better than having nobody there cuz you've straight destroyed them all.... But I would venture to guess she runs you up and down the wall with ever changing moods, which clearly the adderall contributes to and and does a lot of convincing you that things will or are going to change, probaby feels like you are the cause of her problems. Sooner or later she will realize that she has to deal with herself and hopefully its before she's lost everything. I used to blame everyone or anything on my reactions then I severed all contacts and realized the common denominator was me... nobody was out to get me, they wanted me to be happy and healthy and balanced but I was making such terrible choices that they had to stop caring and I eventually figured some of it out. Ill never understand the disease but I will constantly try to !!!!!!!!!! Are you codependent??? My ex husband hated the ride yet loved it cuz when it was good it was good but when it was bad it was bad... he got addicted to my insanity much like a codependent person does?

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/26/2008 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ttown,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. They are very familiar. A trip through our board with show you several people dealing with similar issues right now. Your wife's medications are not doing their job. I am no doctor but she seems pretty manic from your description. I couldn't tell you if it's the adderall or if she needs her lithium levels adjusted or both, but you yourself said she's never had a baseline to work with. That's got to be exhausting for both of you.

You need to decide how much abuse you are willing to take. She will give you as much as you will stand for, and that's the truth, because she's out of control right now. That's not just bipolar, either, that's partly your wife. Not all bipolars behave the way your wife is. The bipolar takes your wife's behaviors and turns them up, makes them more irresponsible, more hurtful. But she could accept help and intervention if she wanted to. But right now she has no reason to. She needs legitimate help. But you can't give it to her. I would seriously consider turning yourself into the one who calls the shots in your relationship and get yourself a lawyer.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


adorie
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/26/2008 2:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with serafena. Your situation sounds similar to mine, except I'm on the other side of the fence. I am in a relationship where I feel like I have no control over my emotional impulses despite how I feel for my fiance. We've spoken about it and it's something that has to be taken out of my hands, I am unable to control it. You may not always hit the jackpot the first doctor you see, sometimes it takes searching to find a person suited for your specific situation. Sounds to me like the doctor she's visiting is having a bad influence on her. And as serafena said, if she's unwilling to find the solution to change, you really have to either take things into your own hands, or let her go so she can feel the loss and come to her senses. It's a harsh reality, but sometimes people need a wake up call even if it is from their own mind.

TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/27/2008 4:01 AM (GMT -7)   

Thank you for everyone's input... unfortunately, I am at the point of letting her realize for her self.  I had thought I did this a while ago, but she regressed...

Of course, everything is my fault in her eyes... and I do place some of the blame on me... what could I do differently... why do I take her comments so personally when I believe them to be an affect of the BP...

All I know is that I have been accused of being selfish and only thinking of me since I am no longer spending time at her house.  It hurts, because part of me does feel that I am taking time for myself when I should be there for her.  I am confused, saddened, etc....

Interesting thing last night though... she called at 9pm asking if the kids could stay since my house is closer to their school and there are many road closures from Tropical Storm Fay that delay her getting them to school...  I felt bad because I was hesitant in responding - my typical thoughts going through my head, a cal a 9 asking for me to keep the kids, wht offer does she have to go out with friends, etc... - well, since I hesitated, she hung up on me and started sending nasty text messages about me only thinking about myself - no wife, no kids, no worries...  To tell you the truth, this is something I felt if she really needed the help, she would have asked long before 9 pm... or at least should have.  I love our kids and would give up the world for them, but the whole things just didn't feel right...

Well, thanks for listening to my morning rant... any thoughts?  suggestions on how I can reach out to her and have her understand?

Thank you...



ddd
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/27/2008 5:08 AM (GMT -7)   
ya, she needs to be called out on all of this and you need to consider some kind of intervention and get the point across that should she choose to go on like this and manipulate you and use the kids as leverage which that's all she will do, and behave like this that you are done being any kind of support for her or help to her let alone a shoulder to cry on or someone to be there when she crashes...... Man you have got to quit even questioning yourself or your decisions.

She knows she can make you feel guilty and get what she wants and she can make you feel like this is your fault and she can have control of this entire situation. Honestly Id be unavailable to her in any why shape or form other than your time with the kids and just let her sit and take this ride alone and choose to not participate, no matter what its going to get worse and have to come to some sort of resolution before it gets better and the less people she has to fuel her chaotic mind and the faster she reaches rock bottom the quicker she's going to learn she can't run around getting whatever she wants whenever she wants.

Dude I would straight make her know what you feel like, pull some of her antics and see how she likes it. But you are going to have to not take her going off the deep end personally... Im sure if you started ignoring her she'd come running back and or threaten that she will kill herself or that she needs you soooo bad. So be prepared. Id go find a therapist or something you can personally work with to help you cope with the fact that you can't fix her and are not the cause of her behavior.

TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2008 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, moved out - in the house that will be lost to bankruptcy soon - just secured a rental that I can move into next week...

Wife is bitter, wanting me to explain to the kids what, why, etc. Our son from her first marriage didn't want to spend the night, so didn't push it, but did spend great time with our daughter. She did ask questions why I wasn't living with mommy anymore...

Told her that mommy and daddy were not getting along and we would get upset/fight/yell at each other and the kids, and that wasn't the best for anyone, so I decided to move out...

Daughter also started explaining what wife's male friend does for a living... and asks why don't you like him...

Should have let it go, but said that mommy and daddy fight when mommy spend time with her friend when it is time daddy would like to spend with mommy.

Needless to wife asked daughter what I said and I got an earful via text, email and phone... How could I, wife said daughter said I left because mommy always yells at daddy and daddy doesn't like male friend (sorry, keeping it annon).

I explain that is not what was said, explain how conversations went, offered for both of us to sit down and talk with kids - no takers though...

I am an aweful person, have been for years... I am going to be lonely - sitting around my new place without hearing kids, wife and wanting to have that again... but I should just remember that they would be at their house, all sitting around watching tv with male friend and that was sad...

I asked her to seek additional help, be honest with herself, with her doctor... that she needed to change something, what she is doing is not working - to which all I get is a response that she thinks I am bi polar.

Funny, typed this in the Quick Reply section - definately wasn't quick -- thanks guys for your support and thoughts, feel free to tell me I am wrong if I am wrong... I know I was talking to daughter about male friend...

Thanks

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/29/2008 8:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi TTown,

You can take this advice or leave it, I'll say that right up front. But as a child of a bitter divorce, it is not okay when parents vent their problems to their children. This puts the responsibility of either telling or not telling the other parent on the child. And as you saw, your daughter told, she got it wrong, and more problems arose. Now I know you aren't angry at your daughter, but that's a hell of a lot of responsibility for a young girl. Your wife is pumping her for information when she gets home -- also unfair. Best to agree upfront what you're going to tell them, keep it honest, keep it clean, leave each other's hurtful actions out of it (My parents told me the WORST stories about each other: sexual misconduct, affairs, chasing with knives, arguments over money... And it was so horrible.) Don't you bring up Male Friend -- especially if the kids like him. That's just going to make you look bad in their eyes. If the kids want specifics, fine, point to a specific fight "Remember that night when mommy and daddy were fighting... that's one of the reasons we have to live apart now." But don't accuse her of anything. Remember they love her still AND THEY SHOULD. Demand that she follow the same tactics, but even if she doesn't, take the high road. In the end, the kids will know the difference -- believe me.
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


TTown
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2008 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Searafena,

I agree... I felt bad after it was relayed back to me how my daughter took what I said. It was an eye opener for sure... this is all new to me... Never intended to put her in the middle, but by dancing around one of her questions, I did just that... just need to let it go... and will let it go in the future...

Wife's comments on the phone this morning about her, kids and male friend sitting around watching tv were meant to get me angered... but really don't feel the threat from male friend anymore, guess I have let go...

I have told my wife that I was sorry and that if male friend is brought up, will keep it simple, yes, he is very nice and fun to play with...

Thank you....

luvluvmedo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 9/10/2008 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
blush   Hey there,I have been in your shoes for 20 years. I can tell you it took me forever to draw a line in the sand but I did. We are separated now and I am hoping he will get help.He has a good doc and hospital support group but he still hasnt taken responsibility for his illness. I have allowed way too much to happen . He binge drinks and has started gambling again. The gambling had stopped but is back again! I am scared he wont do the work it will take but I finally get it. I CANT DO IT FOR HIM! I will always be there as a friend but I cant trust him anymore. We have 3 wonderful children and 6 grandchildren. This should be a happy time but instead my heart is broken and I am grieving right now.I am really stuggling to get through this time right now. As they say just one day at a time.
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