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closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/8/2008 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   
doing really bad lately. not that I've been good any time in the past 6 months, but life just keeps throwing things at me one right after another. I would go into it all, but seriously...you'd be here all day.

I'll try to sum it all up real short and quick...

my dad's severely sick, been in and out of the hospital for heart and brain problems and procedures/surgeries.
family has turned their back on us so it's only me, my boyfriend, and my dad dealing with everything...literally...no exaggerations.
my boyfriend is on his last warning from work because he's missed so many days trying to pick up the slack my family has left...he's close to flunking out of school too because of going in late or missed days...again because of me and my dad. he's our main transportation and we have tons of appts and emergencies are popping up everywhere...
that leads me to my own health problems...along with my bipolar I am having some serious stomach issues, joint problems, tons of tests, and tons of meds.
I am going into debt more and more everyday. paying utiliities with credit cards. I'm already on disability and welfare for food money and to suppliment my medicare, but still can't afford to live.
extremely depressed over family turning their back on me and my dad. I only have my dad and my boyfriend left and now I'm having severe abandonment issues because of this and past relationships...friendship wise and romantically.

I guess that should catch you up for now. if I'm forgetting something I wouldn't be surprised...little things are dropped in my lap every 5 min so it's hard to keep up and my brain is so foggy.

I'm having very irrational thoughts, or at least I hope they're irrational.

can't believe my family won't help at all. my mom's side of the family walked out on me when I was 8. my dad's side of the family has been there for most everything, we had our troubles, but what family doesn't? now they've completely checked out because they are selfish SOBs. I've asked for help numerous times because I can hardly take care of myself let alone my sickly father now. I've been turned down so many times and I just keep trying because they're my family...my blood...they're supposed to be there through thick and thin...right? maybe I just watch too much sappy tv. "family will always be there" "blood is thicker than water" "when everyone else walks out you'll always have family" what a bunch of crap. my dad is now unemployed because of his conditions...he just applied for disability so I hope he gets it and gets it soon because I'm afraid he's going to lose his house. I'm barely making it payment wise on my own house. my dad can't pay for most of his bills. I definitely can't help him on that end of things.

newest thing to add to the mix...my boyfriend's grandpa has lung cancer. he is very sick as it is and they want to operate ASAP. my boyfriend can't miss any more school or work so he can't go see him. his next day off that is completely open is Sept 20. we're going to go see them then...his family lives out of state. he's been home to see his family once since Easter (March) because of all the responsibilities he's taken on for me and my dad. his family is extremely close. nothing like mine. I wish we lived closer to them. I already told my dad to be ready to pack it up because if we ever get a chance we're moving closer to my boyfriend's family. there's no way I can leave my dad in the condition he's in so he'd be coming with us. my dad's conditions are not fixable. only managable, but we've already been told it's only going to last a couple of years. just typing that makes me cry.

I just can't deal with all this anymore. I'm very overwhelmed. That last sentence doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling though. I'm sinking faster and faster. the only things keeping me from doing something stupid are my boyfriend and my dad. there's no way I can leave my dad and even though I'm constantly afraid he's going to run because of everything he has to do now I can't leave my boyfriend. everyone has walked out on me but them. my dad is slowly going away, not by choice, but it's still like he's leaving me. why wouldn't I think eventually my boyfriend will leave too? everyone else has. we've been together almost 3 years now though. I'm hoping since he's stuck around this long he's in it for the long haul. he says he is, but it's hard to believe now because of my family. if I lose them I literally have no one.

I feel so alone, so let down and betrayed. I hurt so badly inside. I cry constantly and not just a few tears...like uncontrollable, crazy, sobbing. my boyfriend spent over 2 hours one night trying to calm me down. I just don't know how much more I can do. the docs and therapist won't help me because they say it's mostly situational. like I don't know that, but I can't handle life. there has to be something they can do. I see my therapist again on Tues, but what can she do in 50 min to make me feel better or teach me to cope better? I want to run away.


27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 9/8/2008 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
 I am so sorry that you have so many troubles. and stress.
 
 
 God bless you sweetie..,
 
Caren

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/8/2008 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Closure,

((((Big hugs)))). I'm so sorry. You are in such hard circumstances. I wish there were something I could do. You are bearing a lot of the responsibility for your father, which of course you would do, you are a good daughter. But is he at all capable of helping you do some of this planning, some of the figuring out of how to shuttle himself around, of talking to his family for help? Some of that is his responsibility as well if he is at all capable of it. If not, then that's another story... but I just wanted to remind you that you don't have to be responsible for the whole world. IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. And one person can't shoulder all this responsibility alone. It's good you have your boyfriend, but it seems you're taking on far more of the task than is your share. That may just be how it has to be, but you are correct that it's not alright.

I'm also sorry to hear you've been feeling so unwell. I bet stress is contributing to it, too. Keep going to your doc and therapist. It may feel pointless right now, but tell them how you're feeling, tell your therapist you're true thoughts, and get the support you need.

That's a good boyfriend. He's a keeper. :-)

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 9/8/2008 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Vent away that is what we are here for.
I am sorry you are going thru this, please take care of yourself.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease
We will find a way, or make one.-Hannibal (crossing the Alps in the 15th Century on war elephants) 
Make sure your suffering has meaning...
All suggestions/options/opinions are caveated with please consult with your local health care provider...


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 9/8/2008 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   

closure,

Sad to say we cannot pick our relatives and just because they are relatives  does not make them nice and sweet and supportive.  At this time I would write off these relatives as not people you can deal with.  It is not your fault how they behave and to dream they will change overnight is a waste of your energy. You cannot make somebody who is steeped in emotion see reason and understand how destructive and unreasonable their behavior is.

Dealing with the depression right now is your first priority.  You have to take care of yourself.  Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones.  No "stinkin thinkin".  Talk to your therapist and tell her how you feel and how down you are.  Be honest about your feelings.  Just talking about it takes away some of the stress.
 
Your boyfriend seems extremely loyal.  I would try to take some of the pressure off of him as he needs his job and his education.  Do you have a senior citizen van service that will take you back and forth to your Dad's appointments.  How about your church or one of the volunteer services that are willing to take patients to appointments.  Tap into every thing that is available. Food shelves, any local family services.
 
 
Does your Dad live at home in his own home?  I would assume he is on some sort of SS or pension plan.
 
Know that I care and I am here for you so start to climb out of the dark hole and take baby steps but remember to set goals for you.
 
Bless you,
Kitt
 
 
 

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/8/2008 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks guys.

what a surprise! another bunch of crap thrown in my lap today. checked my bank account online and I found a charge for $9.05 from a company I never heard of. I called the 800# listed and got a message saying to leave a message. it seemed fishy. decided to google the number and name to see if maybe I did buy something and it was just listed as something else. I found pages and pages of people who are complaining about this same thing. my credit card had been compromised. apparently this company takes around $9 out of everyone's account. everyone, including me, had to cancel their card so they didn't see any other charges from the company. now I'm being charged $5 for a new card even though it's because it's been compromised. $5 might not seem like a lot to my credit union, but right now $5 is a lot to me. they're going to investigate the $9.05 charge, but it will take up to 60 days. I'm pissed. my credit union never heard of this before and talked to me like I was making it up or just didn't know what I was talking about. I should print out the pages I found and give them to the credit union as proof that I'm not the only one scammed. no one has tried to find a connection between us all so that sucks. I have no clue how it happened. now I wait 2 weeks for a new card.

as for what you all asked about and posted....

my dad has reached out to his family and has gotten the same response as I did...that is when they even answered the phone. I'm afraid the "family" is a lost cause.

as for income...my father doesn't have any at the moment. he's living off of credit cards and a little bit of savings he has. he's in the process of trying to get SSD. they said it could take up to 120 days. my father is I guess technically able to try to participate in finding help, but has fallen into a very deep depression and because of his conditions now gets confused easily and has a hard time focusing so even the littlest things send him over the edge and I don't think he would even know where to start to find help and right now I don't think I could do it either.

speaking of his depression...he's against ADs...always has been. I finally got him to admit to his family doc about his depression and he was prescribed lexapro, but honestly I don't think he's taking it. he's become a compulsive liar since his depression started so it's hard to trust him. for example...he's not allowed to drive. I think he secretly is from time to time. I'm so sick of being a babysitter. my boyfriend and I were trying to figure out ways to check the miles on his cars without him knowing since I have keys to the vehicles, but that is just ridiculous. I just have to give up fighting with him about the driving since he denies it and since I don't live with him and can't watch him 24/7 there's nothing I can do. I have to keep on him about appts or else he'll forget about them or just won't go. he's basically given up in a sense since they told him there's nothing they can really do for him.

I wish I had the strength to look into other services for driving my dad around and stuff, but seriously...I'm struggling really bad right now to even shower or take care of myself. I have therapy tomorrow and called my pdoc again today and they said they'll put me on the cancellation list, but I only have a ride Tues and Thurs after 1:30pm. they call you like 30 min before the opening. so I doubt this cancellation list is going to really help. they treat me like I don't want help because I can't find a ride, but I have to go when I can...I can't fly there, walk there, teleport, pay for a cab, etc. then on top of it all I have multiple appts on Tues and Thurs already because of my other health issues. I have at least one appt somewhere every tues and thurs.

I had to reschedule one appt already for tomorrow so I can go to the credit union and file a complaint, a dispute form, etc. it was an appt for my stomach, but it was either reschedule that or therapy and I think I need therapy more than the other at the moment even though the stomach problems could be pretty serious. they're also looking to test for NAFLD...non alcoholic fatty liver disease. nice. I see my primary care doc on Thurs though so since I had to reschedule the stomach doc maybe she can schedule the tests. anyway my stomach won't matter if I kill myself or something stupid so I figured therapy was more important. I have to wait til the end of Sept to go to the GI doc now.

I have to go...I'm crying again, my nose is running, and I have a horrible headache so I'm going to go hide under the covers for a while.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


Marie-Claire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 9/8/2008 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Closure... OH honey! How I wish I could be there to help... know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are very strong, even though you may not be feeling strong right now... to have been dealing with this all this time. Your boyfriend is a keeper... and honey... if he was going to leave he would have done so by now... I think he really loves you and is in it for the long haul.
As far as your dad goes. Do you have public health agencies in the states. Here in Canada... when we see someone in need of medical, phychiatric help.. we call the Health Unit. The nurse would come into your fathers home and assess him for physical, medical, emotional needs etc. Then she may get a homecare worker to come in and help him get to his appointments.,. prepare his meals etc... I don't know how things work in the states...but surely there must be someone who would be willing to help. Has he ever belonged to a church community? They sometimes have volunteer drivers etc... Check the Salvation Army or the Y... they may have volunteers there able to help.
You can do all this by phone which would make it easier on you...
Now as Kitt says... you need to take care of yourself. Put your foot down with your therapist/doctor. Explain that you think you aren't going to make it... I'm sure there are meds they can give you on a short term basis , just to get your feet back on the ground.
You are not alone... I have felt that helpless and overwhelmed as you have. Prayer is good if your inclined to do so. You WILL get through this closure!
Come to us often... we are all here to help you .
Sending peaceful thoughts and prayers to you ,your father, and your boyfriend.
Mary
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.
 
 


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/9/2008 2:13 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you Mary. my dad hasn't belonged to a church in probably 10 years, but maybe I will call the salvation army as soon as I'm up to it and see if they have anything for us. as for what you guys call a health unit...I'm not sure if we have anything like that besides a visiting nurses association. unfortunately you have to pay for them and we really don't have the extra money.

speaking of money I think I'm in somewhat of I mixed state. I haven't been sleeping for the past couple of days (it's past 5am now) and I just rang up over $200 on the one credit card that hasn't been compromised. how am I going to pay for this you may ask...no clue. I already have a bill from them from I don't even know how long ago because I've only been paying the minimums. I don't even remember how much that bill is in full, but I'm sure I'm up to about $300. I say I may be in a mixed state because obviously as we've seen here I'm in quite a depression, but my manic symptoms are coming out in full force the past 2 days or so. I've had to add fraud protection to my other cards because they said my computer may be compromised and hackers are watching what I do online and that's how they could've gotten my info. it's about $10 a month for the service for the other 2 cards I have. I figure I'll keep it for a while and when things calm down I'll cancel the service. I haven't decided yet...depends on what else pops up I guess. just another expense to add on.

since we're still on the subject of money...I haven't paid a single utility bill yet and the due dates start in 2 days. my rent is paid, but I have 2 credit cards with balances, gas, electric, phone, cell phone. I would get rid of one of the phones, but I'm paranoid. if I get rid of the home phone I'm afraid my cell won't work since the signal goes in and out. I want to keep the cell though in case I'm out somewhere and there's an emergency. I'm on the cheapest plans for both.

oh! I almost forgot. I got really upset about the credit fraud thing so I called the city police in CA that the supposed business it out of. they said they've received numerous complaints, but they have no record of the business and they can't find it anywhere. so I called my local news. I figure they can investigate better than me and possibly find out what's going on...if anything they can at least warn people of the fraud so that everyone's more careful with their accounts. the news people said it might be too big for them since it's a nationwide thing, but they'll look into it. they want me on the news if they decide to do it and I really don't want to do that! I told them I'm not looking for my 15 min of local fame, you know...I just want an answer and to help others.

that's the update for today. I have to wake up in a few hours to go to the bank.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 9/9/2008 5:13 AM (GMT -7)   
when my grandpaw got sick my whole family suddenly disappeared so me and my mom took care of him till he passed , my mom didn't have anyone else, but when his inheritance for his daughters came to light everyone sure was there, your boyfriend is a saint, and remind him of that, and so are you , i sorry you have to go through so much, but always know you where there for him and thats what really means the most in the end, your awesome for that, i send you strength and friendship if you ever need a ear, just remember your a great person who does have friends on here, and may things turn around for you, and best wishes and prayers for your dad

your friend
machelle

closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/9/2008 7:14 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you machelle. your mom's family sounds a lot like mine. I tell my boyfriend how much I appreciate him all the time...I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate him.

my dad was out driving again today. he admitted to the driving today since I could hear his windshield wipers as he was talking to me on his cell phone...not happy about that either, the cell use while driving!... but insists he doesn't drive any other time.

made a balance transfer today and will save a huge amount of money with that credit card debt I racked up recently. that really helped my mood today...now I have to deal with the bank and stuff today and hopefully get that straightened out. I put a watch on the credit card I sent the balance transfer to so hopefully I won't have any more trouble.

I don't know how I'm going to make it all day today...hopefully I can get a little bit of a nap. I have 2 doctor's appts on opposite sides of town, have to somehow get to the grocery store, go to the bank, go to my dad's house to drop off a bill that was sent here for him. it's just a mess. it wouldn't be so crazy, but like I said we have to do things on my boyfriend's days off which means cramming all you can in 2 days which aren't even full days since he has school all morning and afternoon. I wasn't supposed to have 2 appts today since I rescheduled one, but found out I technically triple booked today so I still have 2 appts after that cancelled one. I really need a planner or something.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


machelle
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 491
   Posted 9/9/2008 4:23 PM (GMT -7)   
me and my husband fell on hard time after 9/11 and went bankrupt it was the best thing we did, we were using our credit cards to pay credits too, we had no money. we tried to pay it back and never where late but it just got so big it shadowed us like a dark cloud. it may be your only way out if needed be, since all this is consuming you, we tried credit counseling but found out they are owned by the credit card companys and could not guarantee that they could help us now we have a fresh start i never want a credit card again. i didn't want to do this but they cornered us by raising our interest rates, where we couldn't afford to pay them we tried to talk to them but they don't care, you are so strong and what your doing for your dad means so much to him that someone does care . stay strong even though i know its hard.

closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/10/2008 12:38 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks again machelle. *hugs* here's a summary of my day.

if my computer could be any slower at the moment I would throw it out the window.

I'm going to try to keep this brief...we know how I do with that...but I have a billion other websites to go to so I want to update people and then possibly go back to bed.

my day was jam packed. started at about 12:30...got home at 7. my primary care doc is out of the office apparently. first she took vacation for 2 weeks and now she has pneumonia. the doc I saw today isn't part of the practice, but just helping out. SHE WAS AMAZING! I think she's new to the area, but I'm going to call the hospital she's affliated with here in town and see if she's going to a practice after helping out so I can follow her there. She read most of my chart before I even got there so she knew stuff about me. Then she listened and made a plan of action. I didn't ask for any tests...just told her what was going on and we went from there. The last time I asked my doc to do tests she told me "don't go looking for trouble". You know what one of the tests in that this doc wants to do? the SAME f'n test I wanted to have done months ago. I was so shocked that she recommended it I didn't even think to tell her about how my doc treated me when I wanted the test. so here's what we've done to me so far as of today...

I had a packet of bloodwork done. LITERALLY a packet. multiple pages stapled together. this was the most blood work I have ever had done. they told me I would have to get something to eat or drink asap afterwards because of how much blood they took out. so she's checking my liver, which is really enlarged she said, my pancreas, kidneys, checking for any internal bleeding, checking my electrolytes since I am dehydrated so much due to tummy problems, blood cell counts, checking for autoimmune diseases since I already have one, hashimotos, and my mom has lupus and my aunt has MS...this is the test I asked for before because of my mom's lupus and all the problems I had been having and I got that wonderful response about looking for trouble. my mouth probably dropped open when she suggested I be checked for lupus without even knowing about my mom or whatever. there were tons of other things checked in that packet, but honestly I have no clue when it comes to all of them. starting today I have to do a 24 hour urine to check for cortisol/cushings disease. they're going to set up an ultrasound of my upper abdomen, but she said because of my weight plus how swollen/bloated my stomach is she doesn't think they'll actually be able to see any organs so she's looking for fluid basically. didn't tell me exactly what the fluid would be doing or how it got there...just said it was bad. my stomach is very painful to touch so I'm not looking forward to the pressure of the ultrasound. main things she's concerned about...my liver...could be nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. I have all the risk factors, plus just found out it runs in my family. nice of people to tell you these things. she's worried I could have an autoimmune disease...mainly lupus. she's really concerned about my outrageous trigyceride readings, but won't put me on meds til we find out more about my liver. she thinks the upper swelling...which now is moving up to the middle of my chest...like were my cleavage is...could be from my acid reflux getting worse. I take meds for it and don't notice the acid reflux anymore, but she says she can tell just by looking at the inside of my throat and with the bloating that it's still a major problem. she doubled my acid reducer for now. I may still need the endoscopy. may get a CT scan of my stomach for more answers...hopefully that would tell us more than the ultrasound. that's the majority of what happened there.

fast forward to my therapy appt. we got there an hour early so we sat in the car and waited. my appt was after hours...I guess some of the therapists stay til about 8pm. I finally go in and there's no one to be found so I sign in and wait in the waiting area. some guy keeps going in and out of my therapists office. looks fishy, but whatever...don't really think about it. it's finally time for my appt and still no sign of my therapist. a girl walks in and signs in. the man that keeps going in and out of my therapists office asks her who she's there to see and what time her appt is for. she says my therapists name, so I thought she was way early since my appt was an hour long, then she says her appt time is the same exact time I'm supposed to be there. so I get up and tell the guy I'm there for the same therapist, same time. he stands there just staring at us and finally says he doesn't know how this could've happened. he then says she won't be seeing us today...she wasn't scheduled to even come in until an hour later! so not only was she double booked she wasn't even there! he said she was booked the rest of the night and couldn't see us, like I was going to wait another hour anyway! he took down our numbers and said the therapist would call us to reschedule. never heard anything back tonight. so I wasted over an hour of my life on that place. I was and am still not a happy camper.

that's about it...did tons of stuff in between all of this, but too tired to type anymore. that's the main things from today though.

ugh! just realized my gas bill is officially late. nice.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/10/2008 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   
just checked my bank account. said I had a courtesy credit. I called to find out what that meant because at first I actually thought maybe the thieves refunded my money. Obviously that wasn't the case. The bank told me they can't do disputes under $20 so they just take the fall and give you the money back. what a bunch of crap! lol. I spent over a half hour of my life at the bank yesterday, not a lot of time I know, but with the rest of my day any little bit counted. we wasted gas money driving all over town for that stupid therapist appt that never happened and now the bank thing. so now the thieves win. they're not going to investigate, not going to even attempt to find them to get their money back. those guys are probably rich if other banks are like mine. I know they probably wouldn't have been able to find them since no one else did, but what if they were able to? now we'll never know and those guys got another free $9 and change. hopefully the bank will at least keep my dispute on file so if anyone else has it happen they'll treat them better than they did me. oh well...got my money back at least even if half of it's going to pay for my new bank card.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/13/2008 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
not doing so well tonight. I can't seem to beat these mood swings plus I'm sick again on top of it all. meaning I have a nasty cold again. I haven't been able to get rid of this cold and it just keeps coming back. I'm sure I'm run down from stress or whatever. so now I have all those other health problems to deal with plus a nasty cold plus depression.

I got my ultrasound referral today. I'm not a happy camper. I called the doctor's office early Friday to see if they scheduled it because I have limited ride access so I needed to know asap. the ignorant receptionist wouldn't even take a note for the scheduler...just kept telling me they obviously haven't made the appt if I didn't get a call from them. she said they'd call as soon as they got it scheduled. come today and my referral is in my mail box with Thursday's date on it. meaning they scheduled it Thurs. did they call? no. so if that woman would've taken a note they could've called me back and let me know Friday about the appt. now I have to call the hospital to reschedule for two reasons

main one...my appt is the first day of the new term at school for my ride. no way they can take me.
second reason...it's a day after my follow up appt for the ultrasound.

now why am I so mad? because if they would've called me thurs I would've had 2 full days to try to reschedule...if that ignorant woman would've let me talk to someone on Friday I would've at least had 1 day to do it. now there are 2 days worth of people scheduled for ultrasounds which means it's going to be harder for me to get a new appt plus it's probably going to have to be even later than the one I've already got.

then today I decided to look up the conditions they are looking for and got myself all worked up worrying that I might actually have one if not both of the main things they think I have...Ascites and NonAlcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. neither's too fun. so that with all my other issues like money, with my dad's health problems...it's basically all wreaking havoc on my body and mind. been in bed for 2 days straight now.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/14/2008 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Closure, dear,

I know what I'm going to say is impossible, but you've got to try. You have enough problems on your plate without worrying about the ones you don't know about yet. Don't get yourself worked up thinking about what conditions you may or may not have. You'll just make yourself crazy doing that.

I think your meds could use some tweaking. You are absolutely dealing with some extremely stressful situations, but everyday stresses are getting you very down too, and I think some medication might help with your day-to-day stress level. What do you think?

(((hugs)))
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/14/2008 7:38 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you serafena. they just increased my lamictal to 200mgs a few weeks ago. other than that nothing has been changed and I'm not feeling any better. very moody. can't get in to see my pdoc or any pdoc there because they are booked. I've tried. waiting to schedule with my therapist til after I get this ultrasound thing rescheduled. if I were to make a therapist appt and have to cancel they keep you from seeing a therapist til you go in for a special "meeting" where you have to sign a paper saying you won't cancel anymore...you understand how important keeping appts are, etc. no one has said anything about last week when I went to the therapist and she double booked and I wasted an hour of my time waiting for her...I guess it's ok for them.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/15/2008 3:50 AM (GMT -7)   
eyes  Dear Closure: Ya gotta slow down child. You're racing, trying to do all this stuff for yourself, for your Dad, financially. Meanwhile your emotions are running amok, you remind me, of me, at your age and stage of life. I had two small kids, (thank your lucky stars you haven't that situation yet, have you?,) I had three jobs, one fulltime, two part-time, and I was taking two courses; University. At one point I found myself sitting at a kiosk in Minneanapolis/St. Paul Airport, balling my eyes out with my two little boys in tow and surronded by a bunch of strangers staring at me. I realized 'my life is out of control". Back to basics, yup. I managed to finish up those courses, applied for Social Assistance (my pdoc was most willing to sign me out for a year as he knew I was unravelling). I think to a bit of an extent my wanting to appear so "efficient and in control", I may have inadvertently run off some of the folk who might have helped me out. Anyway, prioritize. You first. BF since he's a "keeper" second, Dad, well there are services and supports out there in the community he can tap into, does he have a diagnosis? That will get him going to the right agencies for help. There is quite a bit of help available, one just has to figure out what slot he fits into in order to get services. I care for my Dad fulltime. I have been on Disability Assistance, for my own Bi-polar illness. I finally got to see a therapist after waiting 10 months. She simply wrote out an ABC list for me to follow, and sent me in the right direction. I did the ABC thing (priorities) and guess what, it worked. Me first, then my Dad. Period. Same for you, no? Breathe.

closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/15/2008 6:33 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks tyno3. thankfully I don't have kids yet. oh my...I have no idea how I would deal with everything and have to raise kids. I think I would change the list of priorities though to 1. boyfriend 2. my health 3. dad and so on. as important as my dad's health is I can't help him if I'm too sick to help myself. I'm trying my best to keep me a priority, but it's pretty hard to be honest.

Speaking of me and my health...I was able to reschedule my ultrasound for tomorrow at 8am. Unfortunately the boyfriend has to miss class for it, but we have no choice. now I should call and try to schedule with my therapist.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


CapninHapnin
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 9/15/2008 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Closure

I am so sorry to hear of your tribulations. I am in a funk right now so I really have nothing to offer you.

But my suggestion, which may be a silly one and probably one you have already heard. It does sound like sound like stupid feely good rhetoric, but it does help me. My wife saw that I am sinking, so she called a friend of mine and I went out and helped him work his cattle. Really helped me out.

Take a break. Take 15 minutes, an hour, or afternoon for just some stress free time. Focus entirely on you, not you dad, his family, money, bills, rent. A good cup of coffee, a slice of apple pie, or a strawberry milkshake taste good all the time. And spend this time with your boyfriend. He is a man I truly respect. I am criticizing my own gender, but there are not many men that step up to the plate like your guy when troubles arise.

Your friend

Cap
I want "I wish I had one more day to spend at the office" on my tombstone.

I used to be crazy, but now I have enough money to be called eccentric.


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/15/2008 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
aww...thanks for the support Cap. I haven't seen you around much lately...it means a lot that you offered support to me. sorry to hear you're not doing well either. I am really lucky that I have my boyfriend. I've been burned pretty bad in the past so I'm always a little paranoid, but I really am starting to believe he's different than anyone else I've ever known, that he loves me, and that he's not going anywhere. he really means the world to me.

getting nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow. there's a chance if there's too much fluid in my abdomen they could admit me because they would have to try to drain it and all that good stuff. that scares me. I'm going to be writing an updated med list just in case. hopefully I won't need it.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


closure
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 471
   Posted 9/17/2008 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
got 7 pages of bloodwork back today. 26 tests still pending though. all signs are pointing to some sort of liver problem/disease. we'll know a little more with the ultrasound I had done yesterday, but they may not have been able to get a good look at the liver because of the swelling and my weight/body fat. if that comes back inconclusive it's probably on to a CT scan and again if that's even too hard to see from my fat basically, the next step would be a liver biopsy. there is a good chance it's that NASH or NAFLD especially since it can be hereditary and I have family members who have it plus I have most of the risk factors, but another thing it can be...which I don't think they tested for is hepatitis C. they checked for autoimmune hepatitis which was negative, but I don't think they checked for C. I have over 20 tattoos and I have a lot of the symptoms of hep C. I was tested like 2 and a half years ago for it because of symptoms and it was negative, but now with the liver tests coming back abnormal it could be likely if it's not another form of liver disease.

now we wait for the ultrasound to come back and that should be within the next day or two if they don't have it already because it was done so early yesterday morning.
27 female
 
Bipolar, panic disorder, PTSD, PCOS, hashimoto's disease/hypothyroidism, acid reflux, and in the process of being diagnosed with either crohns, colitis, or even lupus...who knows really! the docs sure don't lol. Now possibly even celiacs disease!Lots of tests coming up so hopefully I'll know more soon. Too many meds to list!


BOXERSON
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/17/2008 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
WOW EVERY POST I READ SOUNDS LIKE ME.. I ENEVE REALIZED THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE IN SUCH A SAD STATE.
I AM SO DEPRESSED I CAN;PT STAND IT EVERY DAY I WAKE UP WITH NO ONE OR NO WHERE TO TURN. I WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR AND HE WANTS TO UT ME ON MEDS. WHICH I DON'T WANT. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WORK THIS OUT BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN. I THINK I NEED HELP AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT. I THINK I AM TOO FAR GONE AS I DON'T KNOW WHJERE TO TURN TO. I TRY BUT I CAN'T FIND A PLACE A GET HELP. I AM HANGINGOUT THERE IN THE open..I WISH GOD WILL HELP ME BUT I GUESS I NEED MORE THEN GOD RIGHT NOW. SO TOMORROW I GO BACK TO THE DOCTOR AND PROBABLY START ON SOME MEDICINE. I CAN'T LIVE MUCH LONGER LIKE THIS, I AM WAY TO SAD AND ALONE. I CAN;T FIGURE OUT WHERE TO START OR WHERE TO FINISH..
I PRAY AND PRAY AND I KNOW GOD IS THERE AS HE DOES HELP ME WITH SOMETHINGS BUT THEN I HIT A BLANK WALL AND I AM LOST,
 
IAM LOST AND ALONE AND I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN. I JUST HATE THE SIDE EFFECTS OF PILLS.
 
I HAVE HAD 13 BACK SURGERIES, CAN HARDLY WALK , HAVE A  PAIN PUJMP IN ME AND NOW THEY WANT  THE ELECTRICAL STIMULI. I AM 65 YEARS OILD AND I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS.
 
PRAY FOR ME AND HELP ME PLEASE
 
 

Post Edited (BOXERSON) : 9/17/2008 12:50:58 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/17/2008 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Boxerson:

Welcome to HealingWell and to our board. I'm truly sorry to hear about how much you're suffering. I'm glad you're willing to go to the doctor and get some medication, however, because my only other suggestion would be a trip to the hospital. Depression is not something you can fight alone. Untreated, it gets worse with time, not better. You need to have help and support, and a medical professional intervening on your behalf.

Certainly most of us can understand not wanting to take the meds because of the side effects, but there are lots of different medicines now, and doctors will try different ones until they find something which doesn't cause side effects for you. You have to have faith and be patient, and eventually a medicine will life the depression for you.

It's not just medicine that does the trick, though. You need a support system -- someone you can talk to. Do you have family who understands? You are of course always welcome here. We absolutely understand what you're going through. But I also highly recommend getting a professional therapist. I don't care how old you are, therapists are there to help us work through the toughest times of our lives, and I really believe they make a huge difference between just being stable and actually doing well. You have to want to work a little harder, and therapy can really bring that out. It's good for your self-esteem, too.

Good luck and keep us posted.

By the way -- please don't type in all capital letters. It's considered yelling. Thank you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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